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| The Pink House |
I loved the structure of the prayer retreat--although, I'll be honest, it was difficult and the overachiever in me sometimes finished sooner then the time allotted. Then there's that part about being still and listening---so hard for me to do!
I also spent time re-reading cards, emails, blogs & notes that I had received when Jim died. I have a scrapbook--and my goal was to better organize it. Truthfully, it was to actually read all the love, prayers and amazing words. You see, my mind was in a fog a year ago and frankly, I didn't remember most of what I read during that time. I've mentioned before that shock and a foggy brain are great buffers for your mind and body when the grief is so deep and painful. I was humbled, once again by everything I read and how so many others grieve for the loss of Jim.
Another reason for getting away, was to re-read the journal I began writing on the night Jim died. I started the journal as a way to express my feelings each day. I had made a pact w/myself that I would go back and read it in a year. I wanted to see where I've been and where I would be in a year.
I was apprehensive, and afraid. I didn't know how I would react. Needless to say, there were some tears, but at the same time I learned a few things about my journey over the last 12 months:
- I cry out to the Lord constantly
- I find solace & strength in The Word
- I am blessed w/an abundance of loving caring family, friends & co-workers
- I worry about my kids and pray for them without ceasing
- I struggled with anxiety and only wanted to be at the house for those first few months
- As I went through Jim's things, or stumbled upon stuff that was his, it was confirmed over and over how deeply & completely he loved and cherished me (and our kids)
- I had determination to push through this journey (which continues)
- I learned to thank God in ALL things
- I learned to live in the present and not to predict the future
- I make time for family, I've seen/talked to my kids, my mom, my sisters, Jim's family more then ever before
- HOPE, hope was always present in my journal; each and every day
- I am strong (stronger than I ever knew)
- I seem to have ADD when I was writing, my little 1/2 page to fill everyday -- the sentences were never connected by a common thread; my thoughts were all over the place
- I was each and every day: tired, lonely, not really liking my job (I did not like this about myself)
- I prayed everyday for my kids, for peace and a good night's sleep
- I can do a lot on my own, because I must...and I only got angry when I had to do something that I considered "Jim's responsibility"
- My faith, it never wavered--it grew! It's deeper, bigger, better
- I am more attentive: to those who hurt, to helping others, to Angels that are wonderfully placed in my life at just the right time
- Being the care receiver vs. the care giver is NOT a bad thing (I've always been a giver, to have the tables turned on me was rather uncomfortable)
This past Sunday, Zamar remembered Jim by wearing hawaiian shirts and the flowers that day were in memory of him. The sermon -- "Rejoice Always" included a few of the songs that were played at Jim's celebration. Not planned by Jess, but certainly planned by God. It was the perfect message and a great service!
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| The Hebert's |
One of the Angels, placed in my life (well, it's actually a family of angels) gave the kids and I a lei, attached to it was a picture for each of us w/Jim. Mine had the following on the back of the picture: "...be strong and courageous, Do not be terrified, for the Lord you God will be you wherever You go." Joshua 1:9 The Lord and Jim are with you every second of every day smiling upon you, protecting and guiding you. Lovely words to end my blog.
I love taking pictures! And took quite a few while on my retreat--too many to post on Facebook. Here's a video of those pictures. Three Mountain Retreat
