The Bitter and the Sweet

Bittersweet: the dictionary defines this word as producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure.

It's been 11 months <or> 48 weeks, 3 days <or> 338 days <or> 8,112 hours <or> 486,720 minutes since Jim died.  In 4 short weeks, it will be 1 year.

SWEET:  I went to Houston and had the most relaxing week--hanging out with very special friends.  They have 2 boys and had just brought home their newborn daughter. I got to play w/the boys, visit with their parents and snuggle a newborn and worship with them.  I talked alot about Jim...I realized this and apologized, I discovered that I was comfortable talking to them about Jim and they were comfortable talking about him...and I seemed to have this need that they fulfilled.
BITTER:  Realizing that most people are uncomfortable talking about Jim with me...or even saying anything about Jim's death.
SWEET:  I got my new bedroom furniture, got my new drapes & bedding. It looks fabulous, and it's purely mine--I picked it out, I really like it.
BITTER:  I got new furniture because I wanted it to be mine...my "old" furniture and bedding was ours, we picked it out, together.  It's just me now and there's a need inside me to start making things mine.
SWEET:  The small group I belong to, Dining Disciples, met for dinner in July -- we didn't meet in June and I missed them! Hugs and fellowship, great food and just a great time.
BITTER:  The small group, is made up of 5 couples, and me. Most everyone I know and tend to hang out with is a couple (I try not to be jealous, but sometimes I can't pray away that feeling)

BHS Class of 1982 -- YAT YAS

 SWEET:  I attended the BHS, Class of 1982, 30th reunion.  Got lots of hugs, words of comfort and encouragement.  Saw some people I had not seen in many years! I was made to feel so welcome, even though it's not my class! Got to talk to someone who kind of shares the same experience, who shared words of comfort as only another widow can share. I got do it all again the next night at the annual BHS Alumni Bash, got to see even more familiar faces from years ago.  I hung out w/Jim's brother, Mike and my sister-in-law Pam, and some of their friends.  Heard some interesting stories, even a few about Jim.
BITTER:  Attending Jim's class reunion...alone, no Jim. Sitting w/Mike and Pam and feeling the overwhelming loss of Jim.  Hearing country music, songs we use to dance to when we had dates at Frank's or at the SPJST Hall and just sitting there--with only my memories.  Having to tell people who didn't know that Jim had died---it's become a normal thing for me to tell and I always feel so bad for anyone hearing about his death for the first time.
SWEET:  I got this idea to re-purpose our wedding rings...asked around, went to a jeweler and he redesigned the wedding bands and my solitaire into a family ring--incorporating our birthstones and an eternity band.  The design was finalized and I should have my new ring in a few days. This new ring will now symbolize our family, the love we shared and the amazing life we built.
BITTER:  I stopped wearing my wedding rings & Jim's wedding band in January.  It just hurt too much to see them everyday--they were a constant reminder of what was and never will be again...that whole "till death us do part" thing in our wedding vows we exchanged so many years ago (it would be 29 this year).  Which is strange, because I'm reminded everyday of what I no longer have, rings or not.
SWEET:  I see my baby girl, Elizabeth, more now than ever before, saw her just last Sunday.  We spent some time together and had lunch.  I had lunch with my Sister-in-Law, Dianne.  Again, spent time w/Mike & Pam.  Spent the weekend with my Mom recently.
BITTER: It took Jim dying to drive home how precious family is and that you have to make the effort to stay connected---pick up the phone, send a text, go to lunch, make that hours long drive, stop being "too busy" for family!
SWEET:   I've made one plan (thank you Elizabeth for the idea) for "that day", the one year mark of Jim's death.  I've rented a suite at the Texas Ranger game, my kids, my mom & pops, Mike, Pam & Dianne and few friends will join us as we acknowledge "that day".  I know the memory of  that night, the horror of Jim's collapse, the efforts to save him, the waiting at the hospital, those words that he didn't make it, will never go away.  It's my prayer that by celebrating Jim, remember him while we enjoy a great night at the Ballpark will ease those memories for this first year.  We'll be doing something he loved, we'll be together.
BITTER:  I'm doing this as a result of Jim's death...

SWEET: That's my boy and me at a Ranger's Game!

The sweetest of all:  I remain first and foremost, a woman with an incredible faith in God, whose faith has grown in the most amazing way over the past 11 months! I know that He has been the one that has, at times, carried me on this journey of grief and surrounded me with so many earthly angels!

Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.