Contentment leads to Making it Happen!

I recently went to Italy.  It was a week of amazing adventures: the sites, sounds & tastes of the Tuscany region!  I put myself out there as never before.  I traveled alone, met up with a group tour (of 9) and had such a great time!  I believe Ireland is on my agenda for 2014 with two gals from Atlanta.

 Upon my return home, the unpacking, laundry, recreating amazing Italian food & enjoying my front porch & all things home, I realized how content I was feeling.  It was Tuesday, April 30.  I was standing in my living room and remember saying out loud, "I am so content right now, Thank you, Lord!"  An epiphany moment for me!


That contentment remains not only in my personal life, but my professional life as well.  Three weeks ago, on Monday, May 20, Moore, Oklahoma was devastated by a EF5 tornado.  AT&T went into disaster recovery mode.  The Business Continuity Manager normally handles this. Unfortunately, that position is open.  I volunteered to go, to be the project manager for AT&T's disaster recovery.  25 hours later I was in OKC plugged in and managing all the many parts and pieces of ensuring that everyone impacted by the devastation could remain connected with their friends & family and take care of business.






A few things to consider here:

1. I've never project managed anything like this before.
2. For the last 22 months, I've been about 80 to 90% "on my game" at work.  It's been difficult to find my way back to the employee who gave over 100% each and every day prior to Jim's death. I do my job and I'm good at it, but I haven't done anymore than necessary for such a long time.
3.  I did not consider my own safety when I went to OKC...sorry kids.  I just knew I had the skills necessary to "make it happen". My boss needed help & I volunteered!

I cannot begin to share all the experiences I had while in OKC for 2 1/2 weeks!
I was in a conference room with a small group of people (which dwindled down to just me quickly). I was on the phone and on email constantly--coordinating, making it happen!
There were not enough hours in the day that first week!

My boss sent me an email with these words: "Whatever it takes...Make it Happen!"  I quickly wrote that on large chart paper and put it up on the wall.  I lived by that mantra every moment!
I added another:  Tactical & Assertive (T&A, if you will).  It was extremely important as I worked all the pieces of the recovery I was tactical and assertive when necessary to ensure that what needed to happen, happened.

I helped coordinate the network efforts, we lost one cell site to the tornado--so COWs and COLTs were quickly brought in (Cell on Wheels/Cell on Light Truck); generators; 11 charging stations were dispersed in the Moore area, including the Little Axe area that was hit by tornadoes on 5/19.
We brought in landlines and high speed internet to the shelters, the internet cafes and the Multi-Agency Relief Centers.
The mobile store was brought in, inventory was brought in and set up at the Moore Community Center.  Volunteers from Retail were coordinated to work the mobile store, work in our two stores directly impacted by the tornadoes (Moore & Shawnee).  We had volunteers at our charging stations -- located at Walmart, Best Buy, Red Cross Shelters, MARCs (Multi-Agency Relief Centers).  We worked to unload/load supplies, unpack & organize clothes, toys, groceries, served meals, provide phones, micro-cells & mifi's to local agencies, relief centers, churches to keep the workers connected.  We transported residents from the shelters to the MARCs or to do their laundry.
We went out into the devastated neighborhoods to offer charging of cell phones on the go, to help dig out and clean up.  We "adopted" Mr. Bob Cannaday and worked to help him clean up his 5 acres everyday!
I seem to have a knack for flirting with much older men, as in over 70 and men that were quite tipsy...(that's an adventure all in itself....)
I enjoy working with the "young-uns" (kids the ages of my kids). So much energy and an attitude of whatever you need, I'll do it!
I met some amazing construction guys from McKinney, TX, St. Louis & OKC who were awesome to work with! They were my "go to" guys moving around the charging stations, signs, generators, etc.
The team from St. Louis, even called and checked on me more than once.
I realized that the relationships you build while in crisis mode are intense & emotional.
I met a marine, Bryan West, home from Afghanistan, on leave who was in Moore helping before he headed back overseas, he worked without ceasing for 2 1/2 days.  There was an emotional flag ceremony I got to witness.
I met two guys from Wisconsin--who were on vacation and helping.  They helped Mr. Cannaday along with two blokes from Louisiana & our team. Angels, from Wisconsin!! THAT is an amazing story!

I met a young call center gal, Angela, new to AT&T.  I learned alot about her, her kids, her dogs & boyfriend as we rode out round two of tornadoes in Moore on May 31.  The closest I've ever been to a tornado--I felt the air pressure drop, there was damage to the Community Center roof, our Penske truck ended up on it's side and the Verizon mobile store rolled twice. Our mobile store & "ice cream" truck were fine...we remembered to set the parking brake!

I got to hold a precious 3-month old girl, Lily and chat with her momma while she charged her phone (they had been without electricity for over a week).

I got to "rock a hairnet" and serve food at the shelter.  That's not a job I'm very good at...ask me to run a multi-million dollar company and I'm in...ask me to serve food and I'm totally out of my element, not one of my talents!

So, now I'm back home, back to my normal job.  It's weird.  I'm so grateful and feel so blessed to be home, to be back to normal.
Matter-of-fact, when I got home Thursday evening, I sat on my porch for almost 2 hours (never going into my house) enjoying Chick-Fil-A and just being home, on my porch, listening to the birds, admiring the green grass, the leafy trees, the beautiful homes.  Soaking in "normal". After seeing so much devastation mile after mile...how blessed am I to be able to return to such beauty!

So yes, I'm content & I have discovered what I think I really want to do in my life, ultimately, help people and manage disaster relief...I totally rocked it, a nice surprise along this journey of Discovery....don't you think!

Sleepy & Weepy

I am sleepy.  I have spent this entire day weepy.  I'm tired.

The lack of sleep comes from a few things:  I did not take my handy dandy prescription for sleep (trying not to rely on it every night).  The explosion in West happened last night.  My daughter is a dispatcher for Waco PD, she was dispatching & handling 911 calls -- she (and her co-workers) were many, many people's lifeline in the late hours of yesterday and into the wee hours of this morning. Handling life & death situations, one right after another.  I was fervently praying for her, for the first responders, for the victims.
I felt much better after I talked with her this morning--I'm one proud Momma, she has a tough job, sometimes thankless, but she was a hero last night.
It was after 1am this morning when sleep finally came, then the storm blew in, so I was awake again at 3am.         Have I already said, "I'm tired?"

I got up and did what anyone else would do, shower & bake.  I had many errands today and the first one, at 7:15am (on my first day of VACATION) was an oil change & tire rotation.  I always bring breakfast for those wonderful guys at Alliance Auto--that shop is so good to me!

Here comes the weepy part.
I got the Mustang's vehicle registration renewal in the mail a few weeks ago.  It's due in May.  It has Jim's name on it.  My heart always does this weird leap when I see his name, especially on mail.  I hate it, it upsets me.  My solution is to get the car in my name only.  Today was my day to do this.
I was helped by a very nice lady named, Misti.  She told me that the title says James E OR Edith N, I didn't have to change it.
My head was screaming, "YES I DO!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, IT HURTS MY HEART WHEN I SEE HIS NAME ON MAIL!!" Mission accomplished.

On to more errands. I stopped at probably 6 other places, picking up odds and ends getting ready for my trip...I leave Saturday for Italy, lots to do.

Thank you Wendi, for interrupting my day with a lunch date!  I wasn't very hungry, but the company was great as was the carrot cake! No weepy-ness at all!  I also got to chat w/my mom and sisters today.  I love them so!

I stopped at Kroger--things to buy.  My Angel, Bennie, from Fred Meyer Jeweler's, was working.  (I blogged about in November 2011) I'm so glad she was there!  I needed a hug so very bad from someone "who gets it".  She held me tight for a few minutes, whispered to me that God's got this until I could stop my tears. We moved on to catching up, chit-chat and I felt better after I left her.

Tonight, I had Praise Moves, it's christian based yoga--the music is christian, the moves have amazing names: Mt. Zion, The Dove, The Cross, The Shawl and each move has a bible verse.  At the end of the session, it's quiet, relaxation & reflection time.  As the leader reads a devotion & prays, I'm laying on my mat, quiet, relaxed, listening. I was asking myself why, oh why is today so weepy for me, as tears roll down my face once again.
As I let the words I was hearing wash over me I realized that changing the car into my name only makes me feel like it's one more way Jim is being erased from ever existing.  Oh, I know he's in my memories, my heart, my head & I see him in my kids -- but his existence, in all things worldly, is disappearing, disappearing and one day, poof,  gone. So, that thought hit me hard.  BINGO: weeping!

I want so much at this very moment to be held, hugged and to be told that it's going to be alright, I'm strong but it's OK to cry, it's OK to be sad, there's not expiration date on grief.
I want to be held by Jim.
As time slips by, I still get so caught off guard by that rogue wave of grief and it just knocks me flat on my ass!

My prayer for me tonight (because I really need comfort) is for a restful sleep, for the memories of my husband to surround my heart and my mind. That the Lord wrap his loving arms around me, holds me tight & gives me the comfort I so desperately need!
I also pray for safe travels as I embark on an amazing trip.  Lord, open my eyes on this trip, let me see You as I travel make new friends, have new experiences and make new memories.

Amen

Is It Time....Move Forward

Is it time?

• to replace the carpet (did that)
• to get the oil changed
• to pay the bills
• to replace the filters in the HVAC (bought them)
• to  have new adventures (in progress)
• for Ranger baseball (it's time!)
• to re-grout the kitchen counter (evidently, it is...a professional told me so)
• to make that sun room/sitting room into my own personal, private space
• to buy groceries (I don't really cook, so no)
• to "move on with my life"....

That last one, is the kicker for me.  I read another Widow's comment about how she's being told "it's time to move on" and she isn't ready... That kind of pressure and expectation is
unrealistic for even the strongest willed person much less a person that is broken, grieving & temporarily lost.

Here's the deal.  In my head, I decided that good would come out of Jim's death. Whether it's me being open with discussing my journey of grief, discussing Jim's death, all the details NO ONE and I mean NO ONE ever wants to talk about or me providing support to others experiencing grief.
I'm determined to focus on being that person that is never afraid to talk about death and the details and share what my faith has done for me.

So today, my heart is telling me to offer up some of my thoughts about "moving on" and the timeline everyone seems to have in their head for grieving.

• I'm not going to "move on"...accept it
• The person I was before Jim died, well, she died too, the moment Jim did. (Only in the aftermath did I realize this)
• There is no timeline to grief...a loss of a loved one is a sadness that will be a part of that person forever, until the day they die and join those that have gone before.
• One of the very worst things you can tell a widow/er or anyone who's suffered a loss (like my kids) is that it's time to move on (or compare my loss to your divorce...that's for another blog)

Instead of focusing on a "grief is over timeline" just be there, be supportive, listen and when asked, offer up your thoughts!  Encourage moving forward!

• Today, a co-worker came up, hugged me and told me I looked amazing and that she had wanted to say something to me for awhile but didn't have the chance until now.
• I almost cried as I hugged her back--I am beginning to feel an amazing confidence that hasn't been there before, and she validated that for me!
•  And, while I'm not moving on, I am moving forward -- this is my year of discovery: the widda fog has lifted. 
• As I move forward I'm figuring out who I am, what do I like/dislike, who I want to hang with, what things I want to do, where I want to go, etc.  I have this amazing opportunity to re-invent myself and I'm gonna!

 My journey continues...

Discovery

The new year has started with quite the "bang" for me!  I attended a women's retreat, where the focus was on Heart Space.  One the amazing parts was choosing my WORD for the year 2013.  I love the idea of a word, kind of a compass for the year, a guide to bump up against as I make decisions.  Much better than a resolution.  Can you guess my word by reading this?

• I never have been on a women's retreat -- I loved it, want to go again next year
• It's weird and odd to be living by myself, but I'm OK with it
• I'm rearranging the house, again, the way I want it. I'm replacing furniture, carpet, changing up rooms, being selective about what I put on the walls
• I've discovered the most amazing metal artist who custom designed a guitar and ukelele holder so I can display Jim's guitars on the walls, which makes me smile when I see them.  I remember his love for music & playing (Iron Chinchilla check out his website or Facebook)
• I'm so in love with Patrick's work, I bought 3 nesting tables in the brightest turquoise & blue and now I'm redecorating my sitting room (my heart space) around these colors! Goodbye gold and burgundy, gold couch, big coffee table & end table!
• Work has sent me to Arkansas, San Antonio and next week, Atlanta--new places, new faces
• New forever friends: a trip to meet people I only knew from an online widda support group! A weekend in VEGAS!!

• I played the slots, won enough money to pay for my trip
• I laughed, I cried and re-discovered the absolute total JOY of having fun!

• I participated in a bible study on grief (Beyond the Broken Heart) and am so blessed to have these new friends in my life, we shared our deepest grief, our questions, our faith and on that last night, we shared the memories of our loved one through stories & pictures --- there was JOY in that room!
• Praise Moves -- christian based yoga....love it!
• I have  new confidence in myself:  I will tell my story in my words, my way.  I had been using words I don't like that are kinder/gentler to others and then apologizing for others reactions to my being widowed--as I tell my story.  I would feel bad for upsetting them.  I realize that I'm not responsible for their reaction. So goodbye "passed & lost" hello "he died, he's deceased"
• I've reached out to new widows, family members, whose spouses have died (both unexpectedly) and those are the hardest calls...ever! I know the journey ahead for them (I've gotten a head start on them), I know that not only did they lose the one they loved most, but they have also lost who they were before that death, because that person ceases to exist and a new person has to be discovered...so the rebuilding begins amongst the muck & ick of grief
• The Vegas trip, along w/my Turks & Caicos trip has shown me that yes, I can travel by myself and it's OK. This will be put to the test in April, I'm off the Italy for 9 days (traveling there alone, but it's a group tour once I'm there--Hello Tuscany). I'm excited about the new people I will meet, the places...the photographer inside me is SCREAMING let's go NOW!
• Got my CHL certification & am waiting on my license to arrive; I'm also a gun owner I have a Glock 17 Gen 4; I took a private handgun lesson, and practice session.  I'll continue to practice so I'm comfortable handling the gun.  But I LIKE shooting the gun, I'm kind of good at it and it's just FUN! (The old me, before Jim's death, was very anti-gun...NOT IN MY HOUSE)
• I'm training to be a Stephen Minister -- which is a trained lay person who can give Christian/Christ centered care to someone hurting due to divorce, death, lay off, etc. It's listening & helping people through their hard times keeping them focused on faith

My word for this year is DISCOVERY  

And once I figure out how to get out, I'm going to discover more!

All Thoughts Lead to Jim

Over the last few weeks, I've been pondering in my head the fact that almost each and every thought I have makes me think of Jim.
Sometimes, it's a welcome thing...memories surface that make me smile.
Sometimes, it's not very welcome...it makes me sad, makes me angry, the tears overflow and the grief takes over.
I begin to wonder if I'm crazy and realize that grief is a weird journey...it's a solitary thing. Certainly, many experience grief, but the journey, is different for everyone, even as you grieve the same person. Here are some of my recent thoughts w/how they lead to Jim in italics.

• Putting up the Christmas decorations, I actually climbed a ladder and put lights up outside (ok, it was a just a 6 ft ladder, and only on the front of the house). Jim would have been impressed, he would of  laughed with me, as I failed to realize you should start hanging lights at the power source...not the opposite end, where you discover, too late, you are 4 ft short reaching the outlet. So, it took twice the time it would have...I had to redo it all!
• Jim's sister has met a wonderful man...Jim would really like this guy and be so very happy for her!
• My trip to Turks & Caicos: Jim would have LOVED the beach.  He would have hated the food. He would have LOVED the small, intimate hotel.  He would have gotten sea sick on the boat excursion. He would have sat on the beach while I snorkeled. We would have celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary, just the two of us.
• Austin is moving out, on his own.  I should NOT be a widow AND an empty nester...Jim should be here.  What FUN we had that fall in 2010 when we had 4 month's "practice" of having an empty nest. A preview of what life after kids would be.  I'm grateful for that time, as it ended up being the ONLY time to experience this "after kids" life. Jim would be so proud of his son!
• Elizabeth & Dwayne bought their first house, and it's wonderful to see how well they are doing! They've been married almost 5 years.  Jim would be so very proud, add to it that Elizabeth really likes her job, double proud!
• Getting stopped by a train. I always text or called Jim complaining about the darn train!
• Christmas memories: Christmas Eve services, late at POP, sleepy kids, Silent Night by candlelight, in German, the Church bell ringing in Christmas morning. Purdy, Elizabeth's first puppy, being delivered Christmas morning. Drums for Austin.  Concert tickets, so our kids could say their first concert was KISS and their parents took them! The one time we got a "real" tree, because I wanted the kids to experience a real tree. Staying up late on Christmas Eve, putting together toys, cuddling on the couch, music on softly, just enjoying the moment & gazing at our tree.
• The kid's and I celebrate Christmas together Saturday.  Jim should be here--he hands out the gifts, that's his job. I remember that last Christmas, look at the pictures and my heart breaks.  We miss him so much that ache just never goes away.
• The front yard is a mess! Jim would have never allowed the yard to look so bad, he took such pride in a beautiful yard. I'm doing the best I can--that's just not my specialty.
• Joining a new church. Jim would have asked lots of questions to understand the beliefs during the new member class.
• Driving to and from work -- it's a 38 mile commute for me and my thoughts wander to Jim every day. Today, it was that I miss his touch...that hug, the look, the ability to "melt" into him, hold his hand, kiss him, sit beside him, our thighs touching, snuggling up to his back early in the morning we were weren't quite awake. I miss sharing my day with my love. Hugs from family & friends, while appreciated, and please don't stop giving them, just aren't the same...I have a physical reaction to missing him like this, it's actually painful, my chest hurts, and you know how when you eat that sugary icky icing, your mouth feels all weird--that exact feeling goes all the way through my body.
• We pick up the tradition of celebrating Mom's birthday and her & John's anniversary on New Year's Eve (I couldn't do it last year).  It's different this year, no Stagecoach Inn...it's Inn on the Creek. I remember the many years of this tradition -- Jim always got chicken fried steak and he loved their hushpuppies. He would not like the menu at the Inn....it involves shellfish.
• I was in the Church's Christmas Musical!  I don't know if I would have done it, had he been here, but I did it...I even sang (no microphone).  Adam told me the Jim would have been so proud of me.  That thought, made me smile and cry. 
•  I think about the future, just a little.  I'm still learning to live in the moment, in the present. I always wonder what Jim would want me to do when I need to make decisions.

I'm not certain that I like this "new" normal. It's kind of like a new coat, it looked good when I tried it on, it felt good for those few minutes, but the longer I wear it, the more uncertain I am if I actually LIKE it.  Wearing a coat isn't normal for this Texas Gal.  "Wearing" my grief, that's not comfortable for me either...what if I'm doing it wrong? Where's the road map, dammit!  I'm so good at following processes & rules...
I currently feel lost.  I get comments that I seem to be doing so well.  I heard today, from my team, that they were so glad that I seemed to be enjoying the Christmas season this year.  I confessed to them that I don't really remember a whole lot about last Christmas.  I know I "went through the motions". And yes, it's different this year -- I've got the Christmas music playing, I didn't do that last year. Little steps towards my new normal.
By all outward appearances, I'm doing fine.  That's because when you see me, I'm busy, I'm focused on what I'm doing, what needs to be done.  It's those quiet times that are the worst.  When my mind wanders, my thoughts lead to Jim and it overwhelms me.  So I pray, I try to keep busy and yes, at times, I throw myself down, ask for mercy and let the tears and sobs overtake me.  I surrender to it, knowing that God has me in His loving arms, comforting me and hurting with me.
To end on a positive note, time does ease the pain. Memories bring more smiles than tears. I remain ever so humbled that God chose Jim for me.  I'm a better person because of him, I continue to focus on being the kind of person he was living a life with NO REGRETS because he truly was, my better half!
 

And life goes on

I've been thinking over the past few days that's it's been several weeks since I have taken the time to reflect and put into words all that is going on -- around me and in me.

• An amazing visit w/a childhood friend and the fun of putting together a gift for her of scarves and tiaras
• The Italian Car Show has come and gone, a great day spent w/my son 
• The wonderful celebration of a charter member of Prince of Peace, he's in heaven ringing the bell to bring all the saints to worship
• The Alliance Air Show has come and gone--another day, an extremely COLD day, spent w/my son  
• My birthday celebrated with two of my favorite gals then a wonderful birthday gift of dinner and seeing an amazing production of Fiddler on the Roof; actually, it was a wonderful day for me, so many wonderful wishes & gifts 
• An evening spent with my small group--Octoberfest dining at it's best
• I've taken the house off the market--while showings had kind of increased, there was only one offer and unfortunately, it would have cost me to sell the house. Frankly, I was tired of living like I don't live in my own home
• Time spent w/neighbors--call me Ms. Bartender...
• I'm officially a member of Fellowship UMC in Trophy Club
• Boss's day was Tuesday--I missed it for my boss, but my team, oh, my team--I got flowers, purple calla lilies, a bottle of wine & a cute set of flavored cocktail mixers and lunch
• My last day of working in Plano was today.  On October 22 my new work place is downtown Dallas--on the 5th floor of a very tall building in fancy, shiny, brand new digs
• Baking, I've discovered baking!  Dog biscuits, yeast dough pumpkin bread, cookies
• I continue to work out, and have seen my strength increase 20% since July

I'm in the midst of refinancing, so I'm at this house for several (5 to 10) more years.  We moved everything out of the storage place I was renting, and it's in my garage, just waiting to be unpacked and put away...exhausting just to think about, but, I'm very happy to have my "stuff" surrounding me again.  I get to redecorate! I get to put my pictures back up of the family, of Jim. I've discovered that I probably won't just put things back where they were before I put the house up for sale.  Kind of exciting, kind of sad as I realize, again {sigh} that nothing is the same as it was nor will it ever be that way again.  I'm all full of ideas of how to move things around and change it up.

I have a friend, who went to school w/my sister--she's on my mind alot, and I pray for her and her kids as they mourn the death of her husband---he graduated w/me, Class of '83.  While I didn't know him well, we kept up with each other on Facebook. I got the chance to talk w/her recently--I am amazed at her strength and faith, and I know that she has such dark days ahead, but she's going to walk that path, through the darkness and her faith will keep her going and light will soon dawn.

I'm making plans, well, short term plans:

• OU game this Saturday w/die hard OU fans and my son
• The 2nd annual Celebrate Jim day (11/10--his 49th birthday) with my kids..all of them, Elizabeth, Austin & Dwayne.  It will be another day filled with FUN, and I hope laser tag!
• Austin's 21st birthday, party coming up! Unbelievable that my baby will be 21
• I am heading to the island of Provo, part of the Turks and Caicos Islands for 4 days, by myself.  My first trip, totally solo and out of the country to boot!  I'm excited, I'm nervous and very thankful I can have this getaway, as I quietly celebrate what would have been our 29th wedding anniversary
• Then it's Thanksgiving, traditional style this year--at Mom's w/my sisters and my babies

So, you see, life does go on, new routines established.  I still have those moments of immense sadness, loneliness--for Jim.  I woke up at 3am the other morning and did not go back to sleep--I laid there and I should have gotten up, read or something and just when I finally dozed....you got it, the alarm went off!
I get angry he left me (like he had a choice, but when you are mad, you don't think rationally) when I have to make big decisions, or have to do "man stuff"...this refinancing, I needed him to help with that, what if I've made a terrible mistake?  The new member class at the church--I hardly asked any questions and realized for the first time since he died, that Jim truly was the spiritual leader in our household and he would have had many questions to ask! Replacing the HVAC filters, there's stuff I need to put in the attic, but the attic needs plywood laid down so it's safe--duh, girlfriend can't do that....I need some blinds on some windows, and I can measure, but it makes no sense to me, and as far as hanging them, I have a crooked eye, can't hang anything straight;  The surround sound needs to be put back up and the cable hung around the ceiling/top of the walls, I think I may have a roof leak. I throw away leftovers (when I cook), because Jim's not here to eat them.  This particular list could go on and on and some times I just want to throw myself down and have a good fit, but I don't, it's a waste of precious energy--something I've been lacking recently.
 
I'm reading the most amazing devotion book:  Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence
Small, daily reads w/bible verses.  I'd like to say I am diligent about reading everyday, but I'm not.  But, the one on 9/30 really spoke to me:  "I want you to live this day abundantly, seeing all there is to see, doing all there is to do.  Don't be distracted by future concerns.  Leave them to Me!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34

Life goes on, and I'm living it--day by day in the best way I know. 

Reflection, Prayer & Renewal

One year, that Jim broke and God had to take him home.

The Pink House

I went away earlier this week -- I needed to spend some time alone, reflecting, praying.  I got a 48 hour prayer retreat packet from Pastor John along with his suggestion that I go to Three Mountain Retreat in Clifton, TX and take my camera.  Three Mountain Retreat is an amazing place, where I have been taking youth groups & Confirmation classes to on and off for 20 years.  It's about 100 miles southwest and its where you can really disconnect (cell phones too)...perfect, right! There was plenty of time to walk/hike and just "be".
I loved the structure of the prayer retreat--although, I'll be honest, it was difficult and the overachiever in me sometimes finished sooner then the time allotted. Then there's that part about being still and listening---so hard for me to do!
I also spent time re-reading cards, emails, blogs & notes that I had received when Jim died.  I have a scrapbook--and my goal was to better organize it.  Truthfully, it was to actually read all the love, prayers and amazing words.  You see, my mind was in a fog a year ago and frankly, I didn't remember most of what I read during that time.  I've mentioned before that shock and a foggy brain are great buffers for your mind and body when the grief is so deep and painful.  I was humbled, once again by everything I read and how so many others grieve for the loss of Jim.
Another reason for getting away, was to re-read the journal I began writing on the night Jim died.  I started the journal as a way to express my feelings each day. I had made a pact w/myself that I would go back and read it in a year.  I wanted to see where I've been and where I would be in a year.
I was apprehensive, and afraid.  I didn't know how I would react.  Needless to say, there were some tears, but at the same time I learned a few things about my journey over the last 12 months:

• I cry out to the Lord constantly
• I find solace & strength in The Word
• I am blessed w/an abundance of loving caring family, friends & co-workers
• I worry about my kids and pray for them without ceasing
• I struggled with anxiety and only wanted to be at the house for those first few months
• As I went through Jim's things, or stumbled upon stuff that was his, it was confirmed over and over how deeply & completely he loved and cherished me (and our kids)
• I had determination to push through this journey (which continues)
• I learned to thank God in ALL things
• I learned to live in the present and not to predict the future
• I make time for family, I've seen/talked to my kids, my mom, my sisters, Jim's family more then ever before
• HOPE, hope was always present in my journal; each and every day
• I am strong (stronger than I ever knew)
• I seem to have ADD when I was writing, my little 1/2 page to fill everyday -- the sentences were never connected by a common thread; my thoughts were all over the place
• I was each and every day: tired, lonely, not really liking my job (I did not like this about myself)
• I prayed everyday for my kids, for peace and a good night's sleep
• I can do a lot on my own, because I must...and I only got angry when I had to do something that I considered "Jim's responsibility"
• My faith, it never wavered--it grew! It's deeper, bigger, better
• I am more attentive: to those who hurt, to helping others, to Angels that are wonderfully placed in my life at just the right time
• Being the care receiver vs. the care giver is NOT a bad thing (I've always been a giver, to have the tables turned on me was rather uncomfortable)

I call this journal my very own book of Lamentations.  I actually could only read it for about 20 or 30 minutes at a time, I sounded so pathetic at times!  I only read up to the end of May--by then I had read enough to know that my journal served it's purpose.  I don't want to be that needy, whiny, tired lonely person anymore.... So, my journal days are over (I'm actually relieved) and it's on to my next self-improvement project: reading devotions, meditating on the word & prayer--the prayer journey was extremely powerful.  It's hard to describe what it was like to pray as I did--it was a conversation with God, one where I ranted, I cried, I was thankful, encouraged and I felt such an overwhelming sense of peace.  I left Three Mountain Retreat renewed and filled with a peace that I'm OK, I really am OK.

This past Sunday, Zamar remembered Jim by wearing hawaiian shirts and the flowers that day were in memory of him.  The sermon -- "Rejoice Always" included a few of the songs that were played at Jim's celebration.  Not planned by Jess, but certainly planned by God.  It was the perfect message and a great service!

The Hebert's

On Thursday (8/23), I was once again humbled and reminded that the kids and I are not the only ones that miss Jim.  There were Facebook posts, text messages, phone calls, hugs, cards, gifts.  There were also lots of people wearing hawaiian shirts to honor and remember Jim.  If they didn't have a hawaiian shirt, they were wearing Texas Ranger gear. Thanks to the Hebert's for starting that little spark of an idea--about the hawaiian shirts.  I LOVED seeing all the pictures! It did my heart good to know that Jim is not forgotten!

 My kids and I celebrated the life that was Jim with family & friends.  We did what Jim loved to do---we went to a Texas Rangers game and had a great time! It was the perfect way to remember Jim...thanks Elizabeth for that idea!  There was laughter, stories, hugs, love & just a few teary moments (at least for me), oh and a great game to watch.  I really was truly OK and that took me by surprise! I will always miss Jim (my forever love).  But, I know that I'm doing what he would want me to do: live life, love to the fullest, have fun and laugh!

 One of the Angels, placed in my life (well, it's actually a family of angels) gave the kids and I a lei, attached to it was a picture for each of us w/Jim.  Mine had the following on the back of the picture: "...be strong and courageous, Do not be terrified, for the Lord you God will be you wherever You go." Joshua 1:9  The Lord and Jim are with you every second of every day smiling upon you, protecting and guiding you.  Lovely words to end my blog. 

I love taking pictures!  And took quite a few while on my retreat--too many to post on Facebook.  Here's a video of those pictures.  Three Mountain Retreat