Reflection, Prayer & Renewal

One year, that Jim broke and God had to take him home.

The Pink House

I went away earlier this week -- I needed to spend some time alone, reflecting, praying.  I got a 48 hour prayer retreat packet from Pastor John along with his suggestion that I go to Three Mountain Retreat in Clifton, TX and take my camera.  Three Mountain Retreat is an amazing place, where I have been taking youth groups & Confirmation classes to on and off for 20 years.  It's about 100 miles southwest and its where you can really disconnect (cell phones too)...perfect, right! There was plenty of time to walk/hike and just "be".
I loved the structure of the prayer retreat--although, I'll be honest, it was difficult and the overachiever in me sometimes finished sooner then the time allotted. Then there's that part about being still and listening---so hard for me to do!
I also spent time re-reading cards, emails, blogs & notes that I had received when Jim died.  I have a scrapbook--and my goal was to better organize it.  Truthfully, it was to actually read all the love, prayers and amazing words.  You see, my mind was in a fog a year ago and frankly, I didn't remember most of what I read during that time.  I've mentioned before that shock and a foggy brain are great buffers for your mind and body when the grief is so deep and painful.  I was humbled, once again by everything I read and how so many others grieve for the loss of Jim.
Another reason for getting away, was to re-read the journal I began writing on the night Jim died.  I started the journal as a way to express my feelings each day. I had made a pact w/myself that I would go back and read it in a year.  I wanted to see where I've been and where I would be in a year.
I was apprehensive, and afraid.  I didn't know how I would react.  Needless to say, there were some tears, but at the same time I learned a few things about my journey over the last 12 months:

• I cry out to the Lord constantly
• I find solace & strength in The Word
• I am blessed w/an abundance of loving caring family, friends & co-workers
• I worry about my kids and pray for them without ceasing
• I struggled with anxiety and only wanted to be at the house for those first few months
• As I went through Jim's things, or stumbled upon stuff that was his, it was confirmed over and over how deeply & completely he loved and cherished me (and our kids)
• I had determination to push through this journey (which continues)
• I learned to thank God in ALL things
• I learned to live in the present and not to predict the future
• I make time for family, I've seen/talked to my kids, my mom, my sisters, Jim's family more then ever before
• HOPE, hope was always present in my journal; each and every day
• I am strong (stronger than I ever knew)
• I seem to have ADD when I was writing, my little 1/2 page to fill everyday -- the sentences were never connected by a common thread; my thoughts were all over the place
• I was each and every day: tired, lonely, not really liking my job (I did not like this about myself)
• I prayed everyday for my kids, for peace and a good night's sleep
• I can do a lot on my own, because I must...and I only got angry when I had to do something that I considered "Jim's responsibility"
• My faith, it never wavered--it grew! It's deeper, bigger, better
• I am more attentive: to those who hurt, to helping others, to Angels that are wonderfully placed in my life at just the right time
• Being the care receiver vs. the care giver is NOT a bad thing (I've always been a giver, to have the tables turned on me was rather uncomfortable)

I call this journal my very own book of Lamentations.  I actually could only read it for about 20 or 30 minutes at a time, I sounded so pathetic at times!  I only read up to the end of May--by then I had read enough to know that my journal served it's purpose.  I don't want to be that needy, whiny, tired lonely person anymore.... So, my journal days are over (I'm actually relieved) and it's on to my next self-improvement project: reading devotions, meditating on the word & prayer--the prayer journey was extremely powerful.  It's hard to describe what it was like to pray as I did--it was a conversation with God, one where I ranted, I cried, I was thankful, encouraged and I felt such an overwhelming sense of peace.  I left Three Mountain Retreat renewed and filled with a peace that I'm OK, I really am OK.

This past Sunday, Zamar remembered Jim by wearing hawaiian shirts and the flowers that day were in memory of him.  The sermon -- "Rejoice Always" included a few of the songs that were played at Jim's celebration.  Not planned by Jess, but certainly planned by God.  It was the perfect message and a great service!

The Hebert's

On Thursday (8/23), I was once again humbled and reminded that the kids and I are not the only ones that miss Jim.  There were Facebook posts, text messages, phone calls, hugs, cards, gifts.  There were also lots of people wearing hawaiian shirts to honor and remember Jim.  If they didn't have a hawaiian shirt, they were wearing Texas Ranger gear. Thanks to the Hebert's for starting that little spark of an idea--about the hawaiian shirts.  I LOVED seeing all the pictures! It did my heart good to know that Jim is not forgotten!

 My kids and I celebrated the life that was Jim with family & friends.  We did what Jim loved to do---we went to a Texas Rangers game and had a great time! It was the perfect way to remember Jim...thanks Elizabeth for that idea!  There was laughter, stories, hugs, love & just a few teary moments (at least for me), oh and a great game to watch.  I really was truly OK and that took me by surprise! I will always miss Jim (my forever love).  But, I know that I'm doing what he would want me to do: live life, love to the fullest, have fun and laugh!

 One of the Angels, placed in my life (well, it's actually a family of angels) gave the kids and I a lei, attached to it was a picture for each of us w/Jim.  Mine had the following on the back of the picture: "...be strong and courageous, Do not be terrified, for the Lord you God will be you wherever You go." Joshua 1:9  The Lord and Jim are with you every second of every day smiling upon you, protecting and guiding you.  Lovely words to end my blog. 

I love taking pictures!  And took quite a few while on my retreat--too many to post on Facebook.  Here's a video of those pictures.  Three Mountain Retreat

The Bitter and the Sweet

Bittersweet: the dictionary defines this word as producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure.

It's been 11 months <or> 48 weeks, 3 days <or> 338 days <or> 8,112 hours <or> 486,720 minutes since Jim died.  In 4 short weeks, it will be 1 year.

SWEET:  I went to Houston and had the most relaxing week--hanging out with very special friends.  They have 2 boys and had just brought home their newborn daughter. I got to play w/the boys, visit with their parents and snuggle a newborn and worship with them.  I talked alot about Jim...I realized this and apologized, I discovered that I was comfortable talking to them about Jim and they were comfortable talking about him...and I seemed to have this need that they fulfilled.
BITTER:  Realizing that most people are uncomfortable talking about Jim with me...or even saying anything about Jim's death.
SWEET:  I got my new bedroom furniture, got my new drapes & bedding. It looks fabulous, and it's purely mine--I picked it out, I really like it.
BITTER:  I got new furniture because I wanted it to be mine...my "old" furniture and bedding was ours, we picked it out, together.  It's just me now and there's a need inside me to start making things mine.
SWEET:  The small group I belong to, Dining Disciples, met for dinner in July -- we didn't meet in June and I missed them! Hugs and fellowship, great food and just a great time.
BITTER:  The small group, is made up of 5 couples, and me. Most everyone I know and tend to hang out with is a couple (I try not to be jealous, but sometimes I can't pray away that feeling)

BHS Class of 1982 -- YAT YAS

 SWEET:  I attended the BHS, Class of 1982, 30th reunion.  Got lots of hugs, words of comfort and encouragement.  Saw some people I had not seen in many years! I was made to feel so welcome, even though it's not my class! Got to talk to someone who kind of shares the same experience, who shared words of comfort as only another widow can share. I got do it all again the next night at the annual BHS Alumni Bash, got to see even more familiar faces from years ago.  I hung out w/Jim's brother, Mike and my sister-in-law Pam, and some of their friends.  Heard some interesting stories, even a few about Jim.
BITTER:  Attending Jim's class reunion...alone, no Jim. Sitting w/Mike and Pam and feeling the overwhelming loss of Jim.  Hearing country music, songs we use to dance to when we had dates at Frank's or at the SPJST Hall and just sitting there--with only my memories.  Having to tell people who didn't know that Jim had died---it's become a normal thing for me to tell and I always feel so bad for anyone hearing about his death for the first time.
SWEET:  I got this idea to re-purpose our wedding rings...asked around, went to a jeweler and he redesigned the wedding bands and my solitaire into a family ring--incorporating our birthstones and an eternity band.  The design was finalized and I should have my new ring in a few days. This new ring will now symbolize our family, the love we shared and the amazing life we built.
BITTER:  I stopped wearing my wedding rings & Jim's wedding band in January.  It just hurt too much to see them everyday--they were a constant reminder of what was and never will be again...that whole "till death us do part" thing in our wedding vows we exchanged so many years ago (it would be 29 this year).  Which is strange, because I'm reminded everyday of what I no longer have, rings or not.
SWEET:  I see my baby girl, Elizabeth, more now than ever before, saw her just last Sunday.  We spent some time together and had lunch.  I had lunch with my Sister-in-Law, Dianne.  Again, spent time w/Mike & Pam.  Spent the weekend with my Mom recently.
BITTER: It took Jim dying to drive home how precious family is and that you have to make the effort to stay connected---pick up the phone, send a text, go to lunch, make that hours long drive, stop being "too busy" for family!
SWEET:   I've made one plan (thank you Elizabeth for the idea) for "that day", the one year mark of Jim's death.  I've rented a suite at the Texas Ranger game, my kids, my mom & pops, Mike, Pam & Dianne and few friends will join us as we acknowledge "that day".  I know the memory of  that night, the horror of Jim's collapse, the efforts to save him, the waiting at the hospital, those words that he didn't make it, will never go away.  It's my prayer that by celebrating Jim, remember him while we enjoy a great night at the Ballpark will ease those memories for this first year.  We'll be doing something he loved, we'll be together.
BITTER:  I'm doing this as a result of Jim's death...

SWEET: That's my boy and me at a Ranger's Game!

The sweetest of all:  I remain first and foremost, a woman with an incredible faith in God, whose faith has grown in the most amazing way over the past 11 months! I know that He has been the one that has, at times, carried me on this journey of grief and surrounded me with so many earthly angels!

Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Father's Day 2012

Today, Father's Day, probably one of the most difficult days for my kids in the continuing journey of grief.  I've been praying fervently that the Lord hold my babies tight and give them comfort!  I also give thanks to God, everyday, that they were given such an incredible Daddy/Father
Note:  Elizabeth called Jim, Daddy.  Austin called Jim, Father.
Jim set such a good example of what a Daddy/Father should be: kind, patient (most the time), funny, always there for them, a man of integrity, of great faith, a man who kept his promises and while he always put the Lord first, his family was next! The joke in our house was that Jim was the Gospel, I was the Law...it was true!  He was ever so much better in situations where patience and tact were necessary! We were a great parenting team, at least I like to think so.
While cleaning out the house in January, getting it ready to sell, I came across a box of Jim's stuff. OK, I came across many boxes of Jim's but this one in particular, oh, it was a treasure!  Jim had a box full of things the kids had either made him, colored for him or as they got older, the cards they bought for him, notes they wrote him, notebooks of baseball stats, band programs --- all things that were from his kids and all of it meant something special to him.
I put this box aside, and about a month ago I began working on a scrapbook for each of the kids.  I didn't want these precious things to stay in a box, hidden.  I wanted the kids to see how very much Jim treasured what they gave him. I put together the scrapbooks (with some help from a friend, thanks Lorianne) and wrote them each a letter.  As their Mom, it hurts my heart that they are grieving...I want to fix it, make it better, (like when I would kiss their owie and make it better) but I can't, not this time...I can only hold them, listen and pray.
I know that sharing these scrapbooks with the kids will probably bring even more sadness and tears to this day, this Father's Day.  At the same time, these are precious memories. I believe they each need a tangible, physical reminder of just how much Jim loved them.
It's my hope that they treasure these books!  I know today they may not see them as treasures, they will probably see them as painful. But, I also know, given time,  they will come to appreciate these scrapbooks and share them with their own families and friends--and talk about their Daddy/Father with laughter and smiles instead of tears and grief...
I also have a journal, that is specific to "Memories of Jim that make me smile" --- I will be asking the kids to share their memories with me so I can add their memories to this journal.  Another tangible, way to remember Jim, laugh and smile at all the good times we had as a family. 
If you'd like to see what I put together, I've made a video of each scrapbook, the links are below.
Elizabeth's Scrapbook
Austin's Scrapbook
Happy Father's Day to all the Dad's out there! Hug your kids, Dad's, make certain they know how much you love them!  For those whose Dad's are in heaven, I pray that today, of all days, you can spend some time remembering your Dad and that those memories fill your heart and make you smile!

A very special shout out to my niece, Jodi...she made me a scrapbook, pictures of Jim, and attached a note: " Aunt Edie, I made this scrapbook for you so you can have something to look at when you are sad or when you are thinking of Uncle Jim.  10,000 Reasons is a song and I put the lyrics in there.  I learned the song at camp.  I love you and miss you. Love, Jodi Bader   xoxo"

My Plans vs. His Plans

Isn't there a joke about how God just laughs and laughs as we humans, here on earth, make plans then get so upset when our plans are interrupted or don't happen as we had...planned?

I've had two encounters where I've made plans, only to be interrupted by God. I felt the need to share:

Back in March, I went Bluebonnet hunting. Had my new camera and was determined to have myself a pity party while out and about in Jim's mustang--top down, beautiful day, just me, crying and feeling so sorry for myself. I'm entitled...or so I thought. A random stop at a gas station: I NEVER drive west on 287 and I didn't really need gas, I could have gone a few more days. My carefully laid plan for the pity party went away when I "happened" to meet up with a very, very dear friend, Steve Spohn. He was getting gas for the mower and about to leave, he noticed Jim's car pull up..I didn't realize it was him right away, just assumed it was some crazy man in the truck trying to talk to me. We chatted for a bit, and then I followed him home to visit with his wife and family. Oh, it was a wonderful visit!! I love and adore that family! And, the pity party--never happened! I left their house feeling so much better, so much brighter! Hunted down some bluebonnets, got sunburned, had a great afternoon!

This past Tuesday, was a bit of a tough day. I needed Jim, I needed his calmness and wisdom w/an issue I had in my head. This need, only he could fill, made me miss him. So after a very restless and sleepless night, I decided to stay home, try to sleep some and well, yes, have myself another pity party.
I was primed and ready to spend the day in misery. I checked Facebook and read a post from a friend, about someone close to them who was dying. This lovely person was called home, later that evening, but prior to her death, she was sharing with those around her glimpses of heaven! It took my breath away to read what this woman was seeing of heaven as her life her on earth was ending! So amazing, so awesome, so comforting--as she was seeing those who had gone before, waiting, to welcome her Home!
I settled in for a really good round of pity. Lorianne called me, checking on me. She and Amelia had heard the song "God of this City" on the radio, it made them think of Jim, so they called. Lovely, lovely memory they shared with me, it made me smile to think of Jim playing in the praise band. So thoughtful, her calling me.
My Pops called, he was in town, and up the highway for the night. So I picked him up and we went to supper. I took him by the church to see Austin and talk w/him for a bit. Got wonderful hugs from the Bennett's. When I got home I went for a walk/jog. I believe the term is wogging I stopped to talk to my neighbor's that live behind me. They thought Jim had died, but weren't sure, so I confirmed it, and there were words of compassion and sorrow for me. I walked on home.  Austin had gotten home about 15 minutes before me. There was a police car parked in front of the house. As I walked in, I jokingly, jokingly asked him if the cops were here for him...and he told me YES! It was a case of mistaken identity---but I really was joking!
I write in a journal every night, and as I was writing down my thoughts for the day, I realized, God once again, blew up my plans for a pity party! It made me laugh, it made me smile as I realized this is twice that I've planned on feeling sorry for myself and twice that God thwarted my plans. I truly believe that because of Jim's death, I am so much more observant of God's hands working around me, through other people carefully placed in my path at just the right time.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

He certainly does, and in my case, evidently, pity parties are not part of His plan for me. Once again, I am thankful and humbled.

Mother's Day & moving on

Today is Mother's Day. Another day of moving on in this journey of grief, another "first" holiday. There are not too many firsts left as its now been almost 9 months since Jim died.
This year, today, is different for me. Jim usually reminded me in the most romantic way what made me a mom (wink, wink). He also always had flowers for me (Byron Nelson HS floral class rocks) and he learned that jewelry was the perfect gift.
This year, I got flowers from my Baby Girl and our best friends, George & Diane. I got to spend time with my mom and my daughter over the weekend, and tonight it's dinner, out, Austin's treat! I got beautiful cards and Austin--the iTunes card, perfect!

My children are truly wonderful, what a blessing they are to me and to anyone that knows them...it's Mothers Day, I can brag! Jim and I, wow! God allowed us to do such great work, what a collaboration -- those two precious human beings are the very best of both of us!

It's bitter sweet, as before Jim died, this day was pretty much all about me, in a most selfish way.

Today, I remember those gone before me (thanks Mom for releasing balloons as a remembrance of Grandma, Huffer and Mildred, Jim's mom).

I pray for comfort to women (and men) whose Mom's are in heaven--a hole for them always here on earth! I pray for women I know who are struggling with infertility, they yearn to be Moms! I pray for women I know who have lost babies before they were born, women who are suffering or have suffered through the tragic death of a child. I pray for the Moms in Haiti, who so desperately want to care for their children but don't know how, who struggle to put food on the table, a roof over their heads, much less medicine and doctor's visits. These are things I am so blessed to take for granted.

I subscribe to a daily email, Grief Share Daily, an Angel sent me the link soon after Jim died. It's daily words of hope, encouragement all tied to continuing to have faith and to lean into God during this journey. This morning's message truly touched me and I wanted to share. I pray that for anyone hurting, it offers hope and gives you strength to move on. This grief, is a journey, you must continue to move on, move forward. Are there set backs, unexpected turns? Absolutely! But we are to press on, with His help. God demands it from us...so we should probably listen.

What It Means to Move On

Moving on does not mean . . .
• you forget the person.
• you never feel the pain of your loss.
• you believe that life is fair.

Moving on does mean . . .
• you experience a lessening of the pain.
• you can treasure your best memories of the person who has died.
• you can realistically accept the different aspects of your loss.
• you can form new relationships, try new things.

Moving on also means . . .
• you grow in grace and in your walk with God.
• you accept your loss and forgive others.
• you understand that both joy and loss are a part of life.
• you believe that God is good, even when life isn't.

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete" (John 15:11).

I wonder...

...if the day will ever come when there won't be tears...
...when the memories will bring more laughter than sadness...
...when I will sleep and feel like it was a peaceful sleep and wake up rested...
...when songs on the radio will NOT make me cry...
...if the sense of loss eases over time... (I read that it does, I hear from those that have experienced death of a loved one that it does) I'm still waiting...
...if I'm providing the support my kids need as they mourn the death of their Daddy/Father...
...if Jim can really watch over us...
...when I will "move on", sometimes it seems that everyone around me has, but I'm still deep in grief...
...what to do to ease the pain of Father's day for my kids...
...when I won't feel lonely
...if people know that sometimes I get jealous and envy couples
...how can it already be 8 months
...if I will figure out how to handle that 1 year mark, is it alone, is it with the my kids, is it a quiet thing, is it a time meant to celebrate what was...because it's certainly not to celebrate what happened...
...what is in store for me each new day--I think more in the present than I ever have before...
...what God intends to do with me, how does He want me to be His hands & feet here on earth...

I know...

...there is eternal life after death and I will be reunited with Jim, someday
...there is HOPE
...that I no longer "sweat the small stuff"...and it's ALL small stuff
...I was given the gift of a stronger faith through Jim's death
...my eyes are open and I've slowed down to actually pay attention to what's going on around me
...I don't hurry and rush anymore
...I have FAITH
...I have a FAMILY that is so very supportive & loving--visiting both my sisters was priceless!
...I have FRIENDS that are amazing
...God provides exactly what I need, at exactly the right moment, even though I constantly question His timing
...Angels are everywhere, you just need to watch for them
...that I really, really appreciate when someone takes the time to reach out to me ask how I'm doing, and they really want to know--even if it's not the "standard" answer of good
...this is a journey, and it's long, it's rocky, it takes unexpected turns, and sometimes it's startling, sometimes it's surprising
...eventually, I'm going to be OK, Jim would expect nothing less

(he use to tell me that he knew, without a doubt, should anything ever happen to him, that I would be OK...I'd be able to take care of myself.  He's right, I can, I just sometimes wish I didn't have to)

The Sense of Smell

on Monday, April 16, 2012 at 9:00pm

Smell, its the strongest sense I have... I can smell a hyacinth in bloom and immediately be taken back to growing up in the gray house on the hill in Hot Springs.
I smell chocolate chip cookies baking and remember baking dozens of them for Austin & his friends.
I smell crayons and immediately think of Pastor John's VW bug.
Smell can be a powerful reminder of things past.

 I've refrained from spraying Jim's cologne--I made that "mistake" very early on after his death--it sent me into such a tail spin of grief, nothing good happened from that experiment. 

Tonight, I took out that bottle of Mary Kay's Domain and sprayed it on my pillow...and it took me immediately back into being enveloped in his arms...he had other cologne, but he wore this one, special, for me, as it was my absolute favorite. And while there is sadness (yes, some tears are being shed) that scent, tonight, it brings me comfort and memories that are so very precious! Just what I needed. The blessing of the sense of smell & memories...