I wonder...

...if the day will ever come when there won't be tears...
...when the memories will bring more laughter than sadness...
...when I will sleep and feel like it was a peaceful sleep and wake up rested...
...when songs on the radio will NOT make me cry...
...if the sense of loss eases over time... (I read that it does, I hear from those that have experienced death of a loved one that it does) I'm still waiting...
...if I'm providing the support my kids need as they mourn the death of their Daddy/Father...
...if Jim can really watch over us...
...when I will "move on", sometimes it seems that everyone around me has, but I'm still deep in grief...
...what to do to ease the pain of Father's day for my kids...
...when I won't feel lonely
...if people know that sometimes I get jealous and envy couples
...how can it already be 8 months
...if I will figure out how to handle that 1 year mark, is it alone, is it with the my kids, is it a quiet thing, is it a time meant to celebrate what was...because it's certainly not to celebrate what happened...
...what is in store for me each new day--I think more in the present than I ever have before...
...what God intends to do with me, how does He want me to be His hands & feet here on earth...

I know...

...there is eternal life after death and I will be reunited with Jim, someday
...there is HOPE
...that I no longer "sweat the small stuff"...and it's ALL small stuff
...I was given the gift of a stronger faith through Jim's death
...my eyes are open and I've slowed down to actually pay attention to what's going on around me
...I don't hurry and rush anymore
...I have FAITH
...I have a FAMILY that is so very supportive & loving--visiting both my sisters was priceless!
...I have FRIENDS that are amazing
...God provides exactly what I need, at exactly the right moment, even though I constantly question His timing
...Angels are everywhere, you just need to watch for them
...that I really, really appreciate when someone takes the time to reach out to me ask how I'm doing, and they really want to know--even if it's not the "standard" answer of good
...this is a journey, and it's long, it's rocky, it takes unexpected turns, and sometimes it's startling, sometimes it's surprising
...eventually, I'm going to be OK, Jim would expect nothing less

(he use to tell me that he knew, without a doubt, should anything ever happen to him, that I would be OK...I'd be able to take care of myself.  He's right, I can, I just sometimes wish I didn't have to)