The Bitter and the Sweet

Bittersweet: the dictionary defines this word as producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure.

It's been 11 months <or> 48 weeks, 3 days <or> 338 days <or> 8,112 hours <or> 486,720 minutes since Jim died.  In 4 short weeks, it will be 1 year.

SWEET:  I went to Houston and had the most relaxing week--hanging out with very special friends.  They have 2 boys and had just brought home their newborn daughter. I got to play w/the boys, visit with their parents and snuggle a newborn and worship with them.  I talked alot about Jim...I realized this and apologized, I discovered that I was comfortable talking to them about Jim and they were comfortable talking about him...and I seemed to have this need that they fulfilled.
BITTER:  Realizing that most people are uncomfortable talking about Jim with me...or even saying anything about Jim's death.
SWEET:  I got my new bedroom furniture, got my new drapes & bedding. It looks fabulous, and it's purely mine--I picked it out, I really like it.
BITTER:  I got new furniture because I wanted it to be mine...my "old" furniture and bedding was ours, we picked it out, together.  It's just me now and there's a need inside me to start making things mine.
SWEET:  The small group I belong to, Dining Disciples, met for dinner in July -- we didn't meet in June and I missed them! Hugs and fellowship, great food and just a great time.
BITTER:  The small group, is made up of 5 couples, and me. Most everyone I know and tend to hang out with is a couple (I try not to be jealous, but sometimes I can't pray away that feeling)

BHS Class of 1982 -- YAT YAS

 SWEET:  I attended the BHS, Class of 1982, 30th reunion.  Got lots of hugs, words of comfort and encouragement.  Saw some people I had not seen in many years! I was made to feel so welcome, even though it's not my class! Got to talk to someone who kind of shares the same experience, who shared words of comfort as only another widow can share. I got do it all again the next night at the annual BHS Alumni Bash, got to see even more familiar faces from years ago.  I hung out w/Jim's brother, Mike and my sister-in-law Pam, and some of their friends.  Heard some interesting stories, even a few about Jim.
BITTER:  Attending Jim's class reunion...alone, no Jim. Sitting w/Mike and Pam and feeling the overwhelming loss of Jim.  Hearing country music, songs we use to dance to when we had dates at Frank's or at the SPJST Hall and just sitting there--with only my memories.  Having to tell people who didn't know that Jim had died---it's become a normal thing for me to tell and I always feel so bad for anyone hearing about his death for the first time.
SWEET:  I got this idea to re-purpose our wedding rings...asked around, went to a jeweler and he redesigned the wedding bands and my solitaire into a family ring--incorporating our birthstones and an eternity band.  The design was finalized and I should have my new ring in a few days. This new ring will now symbolize our family, the love we shared and the amazing life we built.
BITTER:  I stopped wearing my wedding rings & Jim's wedding band in January.  It just hurt too much to see them everyday--they were a constant reminder of what was and never will be again...that whole "till death us do part" thing in our wedding vows we exchanged so many years ago (it would be 29 this year).  Which is strange, because I'm reminded everyday of what I no longer have, rings or not.
SWEET:  I see my baby girl, Elizabeth, more now than ever before, saw her just last Sunday.  We spent some time together and had lunch.  I had lunch with my Sister-in-Law, Dianne.  Again, spent time w/Mike & Pam.  Spent the weekend with my Mom recently.
BITTER: It took Jim dying to drive home how precious family is and that you have to make the effort to stay connected---pick up the phone, send a text, go to lunch, make that hours long drive, stop being "too busy" for family!
SWEET:   I've made one plan (thank you Elizabeth for the idea) for "that day", the one year mark of Jim's death.  I've rented a suite at the Texas Ranger game, my kids, my mom & pops, Mike, Pam & Dianne and few friends will join us as we acknowledge "that day".  I know the memory of  that night, the horror of Jim's collapse, the efforts to save him, the waiting at the hospital, those words that he didn't make it, will never go away.  It's my prayer that by celebrating Jim, remember him while we enjoy a great night at the Ballpark will ease those memories for this first year.  We'll be doing something he loved, we'll be together.
BITTER:  I'm doing this as a result of Jim's death...

SWEET: That's my boy and me at a Ranger's Game!

The sweetest of all:  I remain first and foremost, a woman with an incredible faith in God, whose faith has grown in the most amazing way over the past 11 months! I know that He has been the one that has, at times, carried me on this journey of grief and surrounded me with so many earthly angels!

Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Father's Day 2012

Today, Father's Day, probably one of the most difficult days for my kids in the continuing journey of grief.  I've been praying fervently that the Lord hold my babies tight and give them comfort!  I also give thanks to God, everyday, that they were given such an incredible Daddy/Father
Note:  Elizabeth called Jim, Daddy.  Austin called Jim, Father.
Jim set such a good example of what a Daddy/Father should be: kind, patient (most the time), funny, always there for them, a man of integrity, of great faith, a man who kept his promises and while he always put the Lord first, his family was next! The joke in our house was that Jim was the Gospel, I was the Law...it was true!  He was ever so much better in situations where patience and tact were necessary! We were a great parenting team, at least I like to think so.
While cleaning out the house in January, getting it ready to sell, I came across a box of Jim's stuff. OK, I came across many boxes of Jim's but this one in particular, oh, it was a treasure!  Jim had a box full of things the kids had either made him, colored for him or as they got older, the cards they bought for him, notes they wrote him, notebooks of baseball stats, band programs --- all things that were from his kids and all of it meant something special to him.
I put this box aside, and about a month ago I began working on a scrapbook for each of the kids.  I didn't want these precious things to stay in a box, hidden.  I wanted the kids to see how very much Jim treasured what they gave him. I put together the scrapbooks (with some help from a friend, thanks Lorianne) and wrote them each a letter.  As their Mom, it hurts my heart that they are grieving...I want to fix it, make it better, (like when I would kiss their owie and make it better) but I can't, not this time...I can only hold them, listen and pray.
I know that sharing these scrapbooks with the kids will probably bring even more sadness and tears to this day, this Father's Day.  At the same time, these are precious memories. I believe they each need a tangible, physical reminder of just how much Jim loved them.
It's my hope that they treasure these books!  I know today they may not see them as treasures, they will probably see them as painful. But, I also know, given time,  they will come to appreciate these scrapbooks and share them with their own families and friends--and talk about their Daddy/Father with laughter and smiles instead of tears and grief...
I also have a journal, that is specific to "Memories of Jim that make me smile" --- I will be asking the kids to share their memories with me so I can add their memories to this journal.  Another tangible, way to remember Jim, laugh and smile at all the good times we had as a family. 
If you'd like to see what I put together, I've made a video of each scrapbook, the links are below.
Elizabeth's Scrapbook
Austin's Scrapbook
Happy Father's Day to all the Dad's out there! Hug your kids, Dad's, make certain they know how much you love them!  For those whose Dad's are in heaven, I pray that today, of all days, you can spend some time remembering your Dad and that those memories fill your heart and make you smile!

A very special shout out to my niece, Jodi...she made me a scrapbook, pictures of Jim, and attached a note: " Aunt Edie, I made this scrapbook for you so you can have something to look at when you are sad or when you are thinking of Uncle Jim.  10,000 Reasons is a song and I put the lyrics in there.  I learned the song at camp.  I love you and miss you. Love, Jodi Bader   xoxo"

My Plans vs. His Plans

Isn't there a joke about how God just laughs and laughs as we humans, here on earth, make plans then get so upset when our plans are interrupted or don't happen as we had...planned?

I've had two encounters where I've made plans, only to be interrupted by God. I felt the need to share:

Back in March, I went Bluebonnet hunting. Had my new camera and was determined to have myself a pity party while out and about in Jim's mustang--top down, beautiful day, just me, crying and feeling so sorry for myself. I'm entitled...or so I thought. A random stop at a gas station: I NEVER drive west on 287 and I didn't really need gas, I could have gone a few more days. My carefully laid plan for the pity party went away when I "happened" to meet up with a very, very dear friend, Steve Spohn. He was getting gas for the mower and about to leave, he noticed Jim's car pull up..I didn't realize it was him right away, just assumed it was some crazy man in the truck trying to talk to me. We chatted for a bit, and then I followed him home to visit with his wife and family. Oh, it was a wonderful visit!! I love and adore that family! And, the pity party--never happened! I left their house feeling so much better, so much brighter! Hunted down some bluebonnets, got sunburned, had a great afternoon!

This past Tuesday, was a bit of a tough day. I needed Jim, I needed his calmness and wisdom w/an issue I had in my head. This need, only he could fill, made me miss him. So after a very restless and sleepless night, I decided to stay home, try to sleep some and well, yes, have myself another pity party.
I was primed and ready to spend the day in misery. I checked Facebook and read a post from a friend, about someone close to them who was dying. This lovely person was called home, later that evening, but prior to her death, she was sharing with those around her glimpses of heaven! It took my breath away to read what this woman was seeing of heaven as her life her on earth was ending! So amazing, so awesome, so comforting--as she was seeing those who had gone before, waiting, to welcome her Home!
I settled in for a really good round of pity. Lorianne called me, checking on me. She and Amelia had heard the song "God of this City" on the radio, it made them think of Jim, so they called. Lovely, lovely memory they shared with me, it made me smile to think of Jim playing in the praise band. So thoughtful, her calling me.
My Pops called, he was in town, and up the highway for the night. So I picked him up and we went to supper. I took him by the church to see Austin and talk w/him for a bit. Got wonderful hugs from the Bennett's. When I got home I went for a walk/jog. I believe the term is wogging I stopped to talk to my neighbor's that live behind me. They thought Jim had died, but weren't sure, so I confirmed it, and there were words of compassion and sorrow for me. I walked on home.  Austin had gotten home about 15 minutes before me. There was a police car parked in front of the house. As I walked in, I jokingly, jokingly asked him if the cops were here for him...and he told me YES! It was a case of mistaken identity---but I really was joking!
I write in a journal every night, and as I was writing down my thoughts for the day, I realized, God once again, blew up my plans for a pity party! It made me laugh, it made me smile as I realized this is twice that I've planned on feeling sorry for myself and twice that God thwarted my plans. I truly believe that because of Jim's death, I am so much more observant of God's hands working around me, through other people carefully placed in my path at just the right time.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

He certainly does, and in my case, evidently, pity parties are not part of His plan for me. Once again, I am thankful and humbled.

Mother's Day & moving on

Today is Mother's Day. Another day of moving on in this journey of grief, another "first" holiday. There are not too many firsts left as its now been almost 9 months since Jim died.
This year, today, is different for me. Jim usually reminded me in the most romantic way what made me a mom (wink, wink). He also always had flowers for me (Byron Nelson HS floral class rocks) and he learned that jewelry was the perfect gift.
This year, I got flowers from my Baby Girl and our best friends, George & Diane. I got to spend time with my mom and my daughter over the weekend, and tonight it's dinner, out, Austin's treat! I got beautiful cards and Austin--the iTunes card, perfect!

My children are truly wonderful, what a blessing they are to me and to anyone that knows them...it's Mothers Day, I can brag! Jim and I, wow! God allowed us to do such great work, what a collaboration -- those two precious human beings are the very best of both of us!

It's bitter sweet, as before Jim died, this day was pretty much all about me, in a most selfish way.

Today, I remember those gone before me (thanks Mom for releasing balloons as a remembrance of Grandma, Huffer and Mildred, Jim's mom).

I pray for comfort to women (and men) whose Mom's are in heaven--a hole for them always here on earth! I pray for women I know who are struggling with infertility, they yearn to be Moms! I pray for women I know who have lost babies before they were born, women who are suffering or have suffered through the tragic death of a child. I pray for the Moms in Haiti, who so desperately want to care for their children but don't know how, who struggle to put food on the table, a roof over their heads, much less medicine and doctor's visits. These are things I am so blessed to take for granted.

I subscribe to a daily email, Grief Share Daily, an Angel sent me the link soon after Jim died. It's daily words of hope, encouragement all tied to continuing to have faith and to lean into God during this journey. This morning's message truly touched me and I wanted to share. I pray that for anyone hurting, it offers hope and gives you strength to move on. This grief, is a journey, you must continue to move on, move forward. Are there set backs, unexpected turns? Absolutely! But we are to press on, with His help. God demands it from us...so we should probably listen.

What It Means to Move On

Moving on does not mean . . .
• you forget the person.
• you never feel the pain of your loss.
• you believe that life is fair.

Moving on does mean . . .
• you experience a lessening of the pain.
• you can treasure your best memories of the person who has died.
• you can realistically accept the different aspects of your loss.
• you can form new relationships, try new things.

Moving on also means . . .
• you grow in grace and in your walk with God.
• you accept your loss and forgive others.
• you understand that both joy and loss are a part of life.
• you believe that God is good, even when life isn't.

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete" (John 15:11).

I wonder...

...if the day will ever come when there won't be tears...
...when the memories will bring more laughter than sadness...
...when I will sleep and feel like it was a peaceful sleep and wake up rested...
...when songs on the radio will NOT make me cry...
...if the sense of loss eases over time... (I read that it does, I hear from those that have experienced death of a loved one that it does) I'm still waiting...
...if I'm providing the support my kids need as they mourn the death of their Daddy/Father...
...if Jim can really watch over us...
...when I will "move on", sometimes it seems that everyone around me has, but I'm still deep in grief...
...what to do to ease the pain of Father's day for my kids...
...when I won't feel lonely
...if people know that sometimes I get jealous and envy couples
...how can it already be 8 months
...if I will figure out how to handle that 1 year mark, is it alone, is it with the my kids, is it a quiet thing, is it a time meant to celebrate what was...because it's certainly not to celebrate what happened...
...what is in store for me each new day--I think more in the present than I ever have before...
...what God intends to do with me, how does He want me to be His hands & feet here on earth...

I know...

...there is eternal life after death and I will be reunited with Jim, someday
...there is HOPE
...that I no longer "sweat the small stuff"...and it's ALL small stuff
...I was given the gift of a stronger faith through Jim's death
...my eyes are open and I've slowed down to actually pay attention to what's going on around me
...I don't hurry and rush anymore
...I have FAITH
...I have a FAMILY that is so very supportive & loving--visiting both my sisters was priceless!
...I have FRIENDS that are amazing
...God provides exactly what I need, at exactly the right moment, even though I constantly question His timing
...Angels are everywhere, you just need to watch for them
...that I really, really appreciate when someone takes the time to reach out to me ask how I'm doing, and they really want to know--even if it's not the "standard" answer of good
...this is a journey, and it's long, it's rocky, it takes unexpected turns, and sometimes it's startling, sometimes it's surprising
...eventually, I'm going to be OK, Jim would expect nothing less

(he use to tell me that he knew, without a doubt, should anything ever happen to him, that I would be OK...I'd be able to take care of myself.  He's right, I can, I just sometimes wish I didn't have to)

The Sense of Smell

on Monday, April 16, 2012 at 9:00pm

Smell, its the strongest sense I have... I can smell a hyacinth in bloom and immediately be taken back to growing up in the gray house on the hill in Hot Springs.
I smell chocolate chip cookies baking and remember baking dozens of them for Austin & his friends.
I smell crayons and immediately think of Pastor John's VW bug.
Smell can be a powerful reminder of things past.

 I've refrained from spraying Jim's cologne--I made that "mistake" very early on after his death--it sent me into such a tail spin of grief, nothing good happened from that experiment. 

Tonight, I took out that bottle of Mary Kay's Domain and sprayed it on my pillow...and it took me immediately back into being enveloped in his arms...he had other cologne, but he wore this one, special, for me, as it was my absolute favorite. And while there is sadness (yes, some tears are being shed) that scent, tonight, it brings me comfort and memories that are so very precious! Just what I needed. The blessing of the sense of smell & memories...

Good Grief...

Good Grief...

on Sunday, April 15, 2012 at 5:34pm ·

I receive a daily email, from Grief Share, I had an angel suggest this website and signed up for their daily emails a few weeks after Jim died.  They get delivered very late at night, so it's always one of the first things I read each morning.  They have been very helpful, some deal with the loss of parents, the loss of a child, suicide, but most deal with loss of a spouse and just grief in general, and faith--faith and hope are what you need to cling to during these times.  They always have a biblical basis and end with a bible verse and prayer.  The last few days they have been about "Good Grief".  Here's today's:
 
Good Grief
Day 225 Good grief is accepting the fact that your loved one has died, accepting the sorrow and pain, and knowing there is more to come. Good grief is getting through the days, the months, and, eventually, through the years.

Dr. Erwin Lutzer says, "There was a young woman who saw me for counsel. She was madly in love with her husband, and he died unexpectedly. She was contemplating suicide. She said, 'I simply cannot live. I want to die, and I want to be with him. That's all that I care about.' So I explained to her that what she needed to do was to get through the first year. I promised her that the sun would shine again.

"She saw me several months later, and she said, 'You know, the sun is beginning to shine. I have now discovered I can make it without him.' And she's on her way. Grief takes time but you will find it gets better, and you must recognize that it is a period of transition to a brand-new kind of life for you."

Your life will never be the same again, but you will get through the grief. The grieving process is a transition into your new life.

"He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age" (Ruth 4:15).

Lord, I did not want a new life. I liked my old one just fine, but I understand that going back is not an option. Therefore, Lord, I will move forward. Teach me to seek You and embrace You and grow in this new life. Amen.

Over the last few weeks I've realized a few things.  It's been almost 8 months.  Most people in my life (and I knew this would happen, I read about it) assume that for the widow (ugh!) life is getting back to the new normal, and everyone kind of goes back to normal--no longer checking in, no longer dropping by, etc.  I've seen this happen.  That seems to be life and it's OK. There are still people uncomfortable -- please don't be.  It's OK to talk about Jim, share your memories and say his name...that's how we remember and memories are all we have now of that great guy!  To those friends who are so persistent...thank you for not giving up on spending time with me, calling me, sending me a quick note or text...you'll never know how many times I'm wallowing in my grief only to be lifted up by you--your timing is impeccable!

I struggle with the new normal, what is that exactly?  I am reading, a great book, thank you Donna L.  It's by Paula D'Arcy When People Grieve Guidance for Grievers and the Friends Who Care.  In her book she talks about how the person you were prior to the death of your loved one is never the person you will be again.  I realized just how true that statement is, and that while I am grieving Jim's death, I'm also grieving what was for me.  I will never be exactly the same person I was -- growth and change is all part of the aging process.  Death of a spouse, accelerates that change. So I also kind of grieve for who I was, I was Jim's wife, he was my best friend and we did everything together, I was happiest when I was with Jim, that's just how it was, we loved each other that much!

I was talking with one of my "kids" yesterday, bless you Sarah Grace, for calling and checking on me yesterday.  And I mentioned that I had been out with a group of women the night before, and it was so fun to be with these strong women, we laughed, and laughed.  I talked told her about getting very involved with a ministry in Haiti--I want go and help w/my hands! And I'm off to volunteer at an incredible art exhibit at the Dallas Arboretum next month...things I would have never done if Jim were here.  She asked me why?  I had to stop and think for a moment....the answer is simple really.  I was very content to spend every waking moment with Jim when I wasn't at work or teaching at church.  I didn't plan outings w/others that didn't include Jim, Jim wasn't into the arts so we didn't go, and frankly, we didn't really get involved in mission work. Again, I was so content just being with him, watching baseball, hanging out, going out as a couple.  Maybe that consuming focus on each other was God's way of helping me spend as much time with Jim as possible, as He knew Jim's time was limited here on earth...
So, along with grieving for Jim's death, I also find that I'm grieving the me I use to be and stumbling through discovering who I am to be now...what moves me forward, what excites me, what helps me feel that I'm being the very best person that God wants me to be.  I question what I do a lot these days.  I want everything I do to "mean something".   Things like my work, where I'm living, what can I do be a better Mom, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better representative of God's hands and feet, here on earth...

I'm proud to say that I'm experiencing "Good Grief"...I know I cannot go backwards and have Jim back in my life, so I take this journey, this long, winding, rough, sometimes 1 step forward, 3 steps back kind of journey through grief, moving forward to a new me, to new adventures, new life with a faith so much richer and deeper than I ever knew before Jim's death...I take this journey a day at a time...OK, let's be real, sometimes it's minute by minute! But I"m moving forward, that's what matters most.

Love each and every one of you, thank you, thank you for your prayers, support, notes, calls, text messages, cards...keep them coming, I cherish them!