Good Grief...

Good Grief...

on Sunday, April 15, 2012 at 5:34pm ·

I receive a daily email, from Grief Share, I had an angel suggest this website and signed up for their daily emails a few weeks after Jim died.  They get delivered very late at night, so it's always one of the first things I read each morning.  They have been very helpful, some deal with the loss of parents, the loss of a child, suicide, but most deal with loss of a spouse and just grief in general, and faith--faith and hope are what you need to cling to during these times.  They always have a biblical basis and end with a bible verse and prayer.  The last few days they have been about "Good Grief".  Here's today's:
 
Good Grief
Day 225 Good grief is accepting the fact that your loved one has died, accepting the sorrow and pain, and knowing there is more to come. Good grief is getting through the days, the months, and, eventually, through the years.

Dr. Erwin Lutzer says, "There was a young woman who saw me for counsel. She was madly in love with her husband, and he died unexpectedly. She was contemplating suicide. She said, 'I simply cannot live. I want to die, and I want to be with him. That's all that I care about.' So I explained to her that what she needed to do was to get through the first year. I promised her that the sun would shine again.

"She saw me several months later, and she said, 'You know, the sun is beginning to shine. I have now discovered I can make it without him.' And she's on her way. Grief takes time but you will find it gets better, and you must recognize that it is a period of transition to a brand-new kind of life for you."

Your life will never be the same again, but you will get through the grief. The grieving process is a transition into your new life.

"He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age" (Ruth 4:15).

Lord, I did not want a new life. I liked my old one just fine, but I understand that going back is not an option. Therefore, Lord, I will move forward. Teach me to seek You and embrace You and grow in this new life. Amen.

Over the last few weeks I've realized a few things.  It's been almost 8 months.  Most people in my life (and I knew this would happen, I read about it) assume that for the widow (ugh!) life is getting back to the new normal, and everyone kind of goes back to normal--no longer checking in, no longer dropping by, etc.  I've seen this happen.  That seems to be life and it's OK. There are still people uncomfortable -- please don't be.  It's OK to talk about Jim, share your memories and say his name...that's how we remember and memories are all we have now of that great guy!  To those friends who are so persistent...thank you for not giving up on spending time with me, calling me, sending me a quick note or text...you'll never know how many times I'm wallowing in my grief only to be lifted up by you--your timing is impeccable!

I struggle with the new normal, what is that exactly?  I am reading, a great book, thank you Donna L.  It's by Paula D'Arcy When People Grieve Guidance for Grievers and the Friends Who Care.  In her book she talks about how the person you were prior to the death of your loved one is never the person you will be again.  I realized just how true that statement is, and that while I am grieving Jim's death, I'm also grieving what was for me.  I will never be exactly the same person I was -- growth and change is all part of the aging process.  Death of a spouse, accelerates that change. So I also kind of grieve for who I was, I was Jim's wife, he was my best friend and we did everything together, I was happiest when I was with Jim, that's just how it was, we loved each other that much!

I was talking with one of my "kids" yesterday, bless you Sarah Grace, for calling and checking on me yesterday.  And I mentioned that I had been out with a group of women the night before, and it was so fun to be with these strong women, we laughed, and laughed.  I talked told her about getting very involved with a ministry in Haiti--I want go and help w/my hands! And I'm off to volunteer at an incredible art exhibit at the Dallas Arboretum next month...things I would have never done if Jim were here.  She asked me why?  I had to stop and think for a moment....the answer is simple really.  I was very content to spend every waking moment with Jim when I wasn't at work or teaching at church.  I didn't plan outings w/others that didn't include Jim, Jim wasn't into the arts so we didn't go, and frankly, we didn't really get involved in mission work. Again, I was so content just being with him, watching baseball, hanging out, going out as a couple.  Maybe that consuming focus on each other was God's way of helping me spend as much time with Jim as possible, as He knew Jim's time was limited here on earth...
So, along with grieving for Jim's death, I also find that I'm grieving the me I use to be and stumbling through discovering who I am to be now...what moves me forward, what excites me, what helps me feel that I'm being the very best person that God wants me to be.  I question what I do a lot these days.  I want everything I do to "mean something".   Things like my work, where I'm living, what can I do be a better Mom, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better representative of God's hands and feet, here on earth...

I'm proud to say that I'm experiencing "Good Grief"...I know I cannot go backwards and have Jim back in my life, so I take this journey, this long, winding, rough, sometimes 1 step forward, 3 steps back kind of journey through grief, moving forward to a new me, to new adventures, new life with a faith so much richer and deeper than I ever knew before Jim's death...I take this journey a day at a time...OK, let's be real, sometimes it's minute by minute! But I"m moving forward, that's what matters most.

Love each and every one of you, thank you, thank you for your prayers, support, notes, calls, text messages, cards...keep them coming, I cherish them!