My Journey

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Misses...

on Thursday, February 23, 2012 at 2:27pm ·

Today marks 6 months...if you want to get technical and really play out the numbers, it's actually 26 weeks, 2 days or 184 days, or about 4,416 hours...since Jim's body broke so horribly bad that God had no choice but to take him home. I think back to the book, "Why? Making Sense of God's Will"... where I learned a valuable lesson that helped heal my heart just a little: I couldn't fix Jim, neither could the EMTs or the Doctors, but God did and he now lives with Him, perfect! Anyone else a bit envious of that?
I try to focus on the blessing that was Jim's life with me for 30 years. I try to focus on the blessings, oh SO MANY blessings that have come my way in the last 6 months. I try to focus on the Angels that have crossed my path, I try to focus on the way God uses others around me to answer my prayers.... but I also find myself focusing on all my "Misses":

I miss his smile!
I miss the way he could always make me laugh!
I miss his physical presence
I miss worshipping w/him, sinking into him during the sermon
I miss holding his hand and praying after we took communion, together
I miss sharing my day with him
I miss watching him be the very best dad ever!
I see Jim in our son, and in our daughter, the goodness that was Jim lives on in them, they will say or do somthing and I see Jim, I miss him
I miss watching him worship, playing his guitar--that was his time w/the Lord and he always got lost in those moments
I miss his cold feet and constant complaints about the cold
I miss him always picking up after me...he was a better housekeeper than I was
I miss watching our favorite TV shows and baseball together
I miss that final text messaging at the end of the work day as we both left work and headed home, knowing that for the most part, we were going to be together
I miss watching him prepare for rehearsals and Sunday service and that excitement he would get when he was working on some music that he didn't get---and then he finally "got" it
I miss those lazy mornings, we didn't have to get up immediately and go our separate ways
I miss how he would ask me what's wrong, I'd say nothing and he would pick and pick until he got the answer of what was really wrong---I should have learned to just give it up the first time he asked, but I never did...
I miss texting him when I'm driving the Mustang with the top down...just the word, "TOPLESS"! He did that to me too when he drove w/the top down....

The list could go on and on as each day something will happen, or I'll see something and be reminded of a "Miss". The physical hurt is easing and I find myself smiling more at these Misses than crying at these misses.
The journey remains long and hard, but I am, as always sustained by Faith, Family & Friends.

Valentine's Day...How to kidnap the one you love

on Friday, February 10, 2012 at 7:33pm ·

I've been getting the house ready to put on the market. My Mom and I spent an entire weekend going through rooms and closets. I discovered a few things:

My husband was a bit of a hoarder...he disliked throwing anything away he "thought" he might need or may reuse!
My husband kept everything, and it's kind of a blessing. I didn't realize how bittersweet going through everything would be. Touching things and discovering things I hadn't seen in a very long time, all sorts of memories.
I've found some stuff that will allow me to do something special for my kids. (shhh, that's a secret for another time)
Jim had a box in the closet marked, "Jim's keepsakes." I haven't had the strength to actually go through it. I'm afraid that along w/the joy of memories of what was, I also will get lost in what will never be. I know I need to allow the grief to happen, but sometimes it sideswipes me and its so powerful, so painful.

I did peek into the box--you all know I can't resist at least a peek. On the top, was my garter from 28 years ago, wrapped around 7 red envelopes. Oh, the memories!

In October of 1998 I kidnapped my husband. That was the year we celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. I was the store manager of AT&T in Temple, and my Assistant Store Manager, Nikki, helped me w/my notes. We spent hours cutting words and letters out of newspapers and magazines to create my notes, spraying them w/my favorite perfume.

3 weeks in advance I planned...arranged for the kids to stay w/my Mom; talked to Jim's boss to arrange a lunchtime pickup and he wouldn't return. Found a fabulous B&B in the Hill Country a few hours away.
Jim left for work that Friday morning, we had plans for me to pick him up and take him to lunch (a date).
I packed his bag after he left along with mine.
I had created 6 "notes" each numbered and in a red envelope.
I picked up Jim for lunch, never said a word--just handed him note #1 which instructed him that he was being kidnapped, ask no questions, gather you stuff, leave w/your wife, await further instructions (he would not stop asking questions, but I never gave in)
Note #2 was delivered when we got in the car he was instructed: Go to lunch at Wendy's, get in the car, kiss your wife.
Note #3 (delivered after the kiss) instructed: Travel IH-35 S; 190W to Killeen...to Lampasas, Hwy 281, STOP, kiss your wife.
Note #4 (delivered after the kiss) instructed: Drive S on Hwy 281 to Marble Falls, STOP, kiss your wife.
Note #5 (delivered, you got it, after a kiss) instructed: Continue S on 281 to Hwy 290, STOP, kiss your wife.
Note #6 (after the kiss) instructed: Go W on 290 to hwy 16, STOP, Kiss your wife...
after this kiss, I delivered my final red envelope, a letter:

My Darling Jim,
By now you realize that we are Fredericksburg. I have kidnapped you for a romantic weekend -- just the two of us. We are not expected back in Belton until Sunday afternoon. I've had this secret for 3 weeks, can you believe it?!!
Ed gave me permission to "kidnap" you for the afternoon. I asked days ago...Mom & Pops have the van, and they have the kids. I hear that they will be heading to the Ft. Worth zoo tomorrow to meet Thomas, Rosie & Brooke. I've got the dogs being fed. Your Sunday school class is also covered.
The bags were packed--they are in the trunk. You only have to get us to the reservation place we are staying, "A Little Waltz."
We talked one night, weeks ago and you made comment that started me thinking. You said we never just talk anymore. We discuss schedules, work, kids, church, school and such but we never visit anymore, we never have an opportunity to really, really focus on us--you and me, the couple we established almost 15 years ago.
YOU are the love of my life, my center, my foundation, you complete me. We need this time to re-connect, and recapture that crazy time, long ago, when we were silly in love and oblivious to all that surrounded us.
So happy anniversary...early. I'm looking forward to focusing on you, and me and putting us first, this entire weekend.
I love you, Edie

We had a tremendous weekend, and we did re-connect. We had such fun! Wandering around the shops, eating terrific food. That Saturday night, at an Italian restaurant, as we were eating, a lady approached our table and asked Jim if he was Anthony Edwards (Dr. Green from ER)....he said no, and I almost snotted tea out of my nose I was laughing so hard!

So, kidnap the one you love sometime! It will create memories to be treasured always!

I thank God for revealing this precious memory around Valentine's Day -- just my little peek into Jim's keepsakes box that overwhelms me gave me such a strong feeling of Jim's love at just the right time...

Last Day of 2011...I'm a party of One...

on Saturday, December 31, 2011 at 8:47pm

I spent this week out of town, I ran away from home. I felt the need to be alone, be quiet, away from home. I don't know if you are like this, but if I'm home, I find a million things to keep me busy!
The alone part, I believe, I have mastered--as I'm now, always a "party of one". The be quiet...not so much. I'm thinking this time alone was a test for me to really do things alone: eat out, alone; shop, alone; drive, alone; make decisions, alone; plan my schedule, alone.
I think patience may have also been part of what I was to focus on...difficult at best for me. I have always struggled with being patient. It's hard to be patient with myself, just when I think I've mastered something within this journey of grief, I haven't...I want (and prefer) timelines, schedules, deadlines... For this journey, there is no timeline, no deadline to meet and no schedule to keep--it's all dependent on each and every moment of the day, and it's almost a dance, sometimes it's two steps forward and 3 steps back. Very frustrating to me...
I can honestly say there were moments of fun sprinkled in to my running away: nothing like running errands with the Innkeeper in a limo...developed a great appreciation for the Sweet Tea Martini...
I was made to feel so welcome each and every day by everyone at Inn on the Creek!
Met up with a guy I went to high school with and we talked for hours, catching up, he lives in MS, but was home for Christmas!!
Another angel, this one named Janice, crossed my path. A spunky, friendly, octogenarian who was concerned I was dining alone last night, so she introduced herself and asked if I was OK. When I explained, she offered me comfort and hope (she's 2 years into her 2nd marriage and she and her new husband had both been married once before for 50+ years!). It was cute to hear her go back to her table and tell her husband he was right about me!
So here it is, New Year's Eve. I feel like I should say something profound, but I don't have anything. I have spent some time reflecting on this year. It was a year with one of the most shocking changes complete with ripple effects that will be felt forever. There were gifts sprinkled in:

wonderful, precious moments with Jim that I will treasure!
I've reconnected with "old" friends and have many, many new friends!
I have learned what it is to truly throw myself at the Lord's mercy, begging for Him to be strong for me because for right now, I'm not.
The power of prayer sustains me. So many prayers were said and still are said for myself, the kids, Jim's family.
Humility -- I've been humbled by the effect Jim had those that knew him, even those that only knew "of" him.
My quiet, unassuming husband was such a witness for Christ and he touched so many people!
I'm learning that the future I had envisioned, to be shared with Jim now has to be rewritten, and it's a future for "a party of one". This makes it "all about me" and you'd think that would be kind of cool, except my life has NEVER been all about me. It's always been Jim and I then Jim, the kids and I...well the kids are grown, Jim's gone and it's just me, the party of one...

I've had to pause (stop actually) and rethink my priorities which is currently ongoing: I'm rethinking my career, where I live, what kind of life I truly want to live that will be pleasing to God.
For the New Year, it's customary to think about what you want the year to be, set a resolution or two. I won't be doing that. To plan or wish for certain things over an entire year is too much for me these days. I'm focusing on the present, I want to do that each and every day and work to make each day count as we are not promised tomorrow.

The journal I continue to write in every night says the following for today (author unknown):
"Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song.
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Does Jesus care when I've tried and failed
To resist some temptations strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?
Does Jesus care when I've said "goodbye"
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares."

Happy New Year! My prayer is for the Lord to watch over you, protect and comfort you, give you peace. And that you will live each day of 2012 like there will be no tomorrow, with no regrets!

I had a "wobbly" moment then an ANGEL appeared...

on Thursday, December 15, 2011 at 3:53pm ·

I had a lunch date today with a very dear friend, thanks Lorianne! Your company at lunch (thanks for the invite) was exactly what I needed. I forgot about my wobbly moment!

Before meeting Lorianne for lunch, I needed to pick up a few items from the grocery store. And at the Kroger, there's a jewelry store. There's also a Starbucks, furniture store, baby store, toy store, sushi bar, olive bar, but that's another blog, some other time!
I have a gold watch that has needed a battery for over a year, and I wanted to wear gold today, (I do like to accessorize) so I thought I'd pop in there, get a battery then grab my stuff.
A very nice lady, named Bennie helped me. She asked if I had replaced a battery here before, I told her no. She said if I filled out some information, the battery would be free! OK! She gives me the form, it asks the normal stuff, then there was a section for my spouse's information...
...my eyes filled with tears, she interjected that was so email reminders of special days could be sent.
...I then used "that" word for the very first time, outloud to a perfect stranger, "I'm a widow".
...and tears overflow my eyes, in front of a stranger, just doing her job.
...Bennie turned into an Angel! She took my hands in her's, asked me how long...16 weeks and 2 days (but who's counting)
...Bennie the Angel then asked if it was sudden, and I answered yes, and so very unexpected...his heart
....Bennie the Angel told me that she too is a widow, 4 years, her husband went out for his daily walk and did not return home, he collapsed and died of a heart attack.
...Bennie the Angel, witnessed to me, offered me comfort and told me that anytime I needed to talk with someone that "had been there" to come by and see her, and if it was break time, she'd be more than happy to walk with me around the store, or grab a cup of coffee.
The "wobbly" moment was from saying out loud the word WIDOW, it places such a bad taste in my mouth and makes me sick to my stomach....which reminds me I am also unable to say "Jim passed" or "I lost my husband"....#1 I didn't lose Jim, I know exactly where he is and it's not lost! #2 Passed, he didn't pass, Jim died and it's OK to use the word died, passed makes it sound like he was a kidney stone or something (in my mind anyway).
So, if you live locally, and you need to a new battery, jewelry repair or want to purchase jewelry, there's an angel at Fred Meyer Jewelry inside the Kroger Market Place at Alliance Town Center, her name is Bennie. Give her your business and tell her a very thankful widow referred you to her!
And if you work in retail, and you sense the customer you are assisting is hurting, take a moment, be an angel to them by saying a kind word, showing compassion. You may think it's no big deal -- trust me, to the person you are kind to, it means so very much!
This is a moment that will live in my heart forever, the compassion of a stranger, of an Angel! Isn't that what Mary & Joseph relied on all those years ago as they traveled home and searched for a place to have their baby--the compassion of strangers, the kindness of strangers.
It's all about Faith, Family, Friends...and strangers who become Angels right before your very eyes!

My First Christmas in Heaven

on Tuesday, December 6, 2011 at 4:03pm ·

My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees
     Around the world below.
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars
     reflecting on the snow,
The sight is so spectacular
     please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with
     Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
     that people hold so dear,
But the sound of music cannot compare
     with the Christmas choir up here,
I have no words to tell you
     The joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description
     to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me
     I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away
     We really aren't apart
So be happy for me dear ones
     You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I am spending Christmas
     with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift
     from my heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory
     Of my undying love,
After all love is a gift more
     precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the
     stories that Jesus told.
Please love each other as
     The Father said to do,
For I cannot count the blessings
     or love He has for you,
So have a Merry Christmas
     and wipe away that tear,
Remember I am spending Christmas
     with Jesus Christ this year.

I received this beautiful poem from Lucas Funeral Home today...I've been in awe at the thought that Jim is in heaven and gets to celebrate Jesus' birthday with Jesus! It's overwhelming to think about and I can't help but be so happy for him...I do wish he was here, with me, the kids, the family, but goodness--how awesome! I wonder if they sing Happy Birthday to the "birthday boy"....

Life moves forward and the holidays

on Saturday, December 3, 2011 at 8:31pm ·

Ke'anea Point, where we honored Jim.I realized it's been since 10/28 since I've posted a note. That note, I moved to private--it was all about frustration, and as I read it, I didn't like it...it was all true, but I was obviously angry and bitter about the worldly items I had to deal with.

It's been 14 weeks and 4 days since Jim collapsed and died. So much has happened!

I don't "watch the clock" reliving Jim's collapse every Tuesday night anymore. I am so thankful that time has allowed me to let go of that tragic memory!
I have seen my daughter at a minimum every two to two and a half weeks since Jim died.
I'm back to work, feeling a bit lost, things change so fast in the wireless world! I have a very patient boss and an incredible team leading the way for me.
I've had to buy a new winter wardrobe -- my clothes are way too big..that's a good thing, really, just not how I go about it...I'm exercising more, but I tend to forget to eat 1 or 2 meals a day... (4 dress sizes in about 21 months)
The medical expenses and funeral expenses have been paid in full.
The life insurance policies are settled, still waiting for one to be complete, but its in process and there have not been any issues.
The kids and I fulfilled Jim's last wish: it was a week of fun, laughter, remembrance, sadness and JOY

November brought many different "firsts":

Jim's 47th birthday. The kids and I spent that day at Putt Putt. We played miniature golf, rode go carts, had batting practice, played video games and air hockey. It was a day of family fun and we've all decided that will the best way to celebrate Jim's birthday every year!

Our 28th wedding anniversary -- George & Diane Highsmith came and spent the day with me, as did Austin. It was a very difficult day, made easier by their presence. Lots of remembering, laughter and tears. It just seemed weird. I think I will go away for a few days around our anniversary. Jim and I always celebrated with just the two of us, either together all day or going away for a weekend retreat. I'm going to try that next year.

Austin's 20th birthday--Jim had preordered Austin's birthday gift back in July (the newest Call of Duty) and had actually made me buy a birthday card he thought was perfect back in July too. Thank you, Lord for that gift!

Thanksgiving. The Gulley's favorite! We totally twisted it up by heading to Maui to fulfill Jim's last wish. It was a GREAT vacation! We had fun, we remembered our family trip in 2005, did some of the same things. Did new things like a helicopter tour (Jim would NEVER!). There was sadness as we honored Jim, but also jubilation! Weird, right? God made that time last week perfect for us, thank You! Both kids want to move to Maui and live there now.

Now it's December. I toyed with a tree, no tree, decorate the mantel, don't, the wreath on the door or not? What is going to be less upsetting? I discovered that nothing is "less" upsetting...any decision is wrapped in grief right now, and the tears can come at the darnedest time, triggered by memories or something silly or even while brushing your teeth....

I did put the wreath up and lighted garland around the front door.
I did put up a tree (not the huge, normal one). I found a 4' lighted tree and put it on a table, in the office and picked just a few special ornaments to put on it.
I DID put our stockings up on the mantel, but I used different garland, and I positioned the stockings in an entirely different manner. Jim, as head of the household was always first, then me, then the kids in birth order, then the dog's. Jim's stocking is in the center of the mantel, w/a picture of him from last Christmas on the stocking holder. I like to think that our stockings surrounding his stocking represents how this family now surrounds his memory with our love, and how we always, always will surround his memory with our love!
My sister, Kim gave me a fabulous idea for Christmas, but I can't tell, as I need to talk w/the kids first, but I think it will be a great, new Christmas tradition.
Elizabeth's 25th birthday is the 6th. Austin and I drive down to Waco tomorrow to celebrate. I bought her a beautiful plumeria pendant while we were in Maui for her birthday. I always was "in charge" of her birthday gifts, Jim always left that to me to arrange. I've got a bit of a surprise for her..it's silly, but she'll like it! And she thinks the pendant is also for Christmas, but I've got something else up my sleeve....
Christmas, Jesus' birthday! I'm taking this holiday a day at a time, not stressing. My shopping is done! Things are wrapped, I'm waiting for a few items to be shipped. It's sad, bittersweet but at the same time, I'm "awe-struck" that Jim is actually celebrating with the BIRTHDAY BOY...Jesus!
Austin will be rocking it out at FUMC on Christmas Day! My mom (and hopefully Pops) will be here with us. Elizabeth, too, but I imagine since she was off Thanksgiving she will have to work, but I'll pray for that!
We will celebrate w/the Gulley's on the 26th in Belton.

I find my solace and my strength in my Faith, my Family and my Friends! It seems that the right words, the right bible verse, that hug, that card or that phone call happens at the most perfect time! We are promised eternity in heaven with all the saints that go before us and with our Lord and Savior. While we remain on this earth, it is my hope, my prayer for everyone to live each day with no regrets! Merry Christmas!

Frustrated & Lonely

(warning--this blog is a rant, I was rather angry)

on Friday, October 28, 2011 at 10:49am

Frustrated: the dictionary defines this word as "feeling or expressing distress & annoyance, especially because of an inability to charge or achieve something."

The credit union where Jim has banked since he was 9, and I've been on the account for 29 years is a source of frustration. This CU is in Belton/Killeen, so when I was down at mom's 3 weeks ago, I stopped by to see what I needed to do since Jim died. I was told HIS assets would be frozen, they needed a death certificate. Hmmmm, my name is on the account, there are NO survivor benefits, the $$$ is actually mine! It should not be this difficult! **FYI: the Social Security office was so, so easy!**
One of the life insurance companies received the death certificate, 6 days later I get a letter informing me the certificate was 'pending' they needed a completed one....if the processor had LOOKED at the ADDENDUM to the certificate, towards the bottom 1/2 of the document, they would have seen it. I called: "oops, sorry, we will process this, but it will be tomorrow, our systems are down." I realize this is "just a job" for these people, but for the survivors--it's an emotional, distressing time and these tasks, when there are road bumps--make it worse...
The short term disability I am trying to get---probably won't happen, since I'm not 'so severely disabled' I can't function....I suppose if I said I was a danger to myself or others, I'd get it...I have an amazing boss and I'm certain she will work with me. I truly just need this time to focus on grieving and reinventing myself--as one person, instead of the two I've always been.

WHERE is the practical "how to" or "what to expect" book for widows/widowers that guides a person through the practical aspects of the death of a husband/wife? I can only imagine what doing taxes and things like that are going to be like... Where's the compassion? The sensitivity that people need to have when they are dealing with customers that have experienced a severe loss?

Lonely: the dictionary defines this word as "being without company, sad from being alone, producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation."

This is the emotion/feeling I'm having the strongest right now. I noticed it week ago, and actually talked it through w/my therapist this week. And it's something I have to make room for in my body and experience, (I tend to hold my breath to keep the grief inside--lessen the tears) it's all part of that walk through the valley of grief---the goal is to get to the other side, for me it is the struggle of not having a set timeline--I do not know how long the emotions will be so strong, nor do I know when the emotion is going to double me over with grief, I am unable to control it at this point.
I can be in a crowd, with family or friends and I feel so overwhelmingly lonely. We went to the Alliance Air Show on Saturday-- Austin, Christi and I and as we walked around and sat and watched the airshow I realized I don't have that "someone" anymore who gets my jokes, I can share my thoughts with, discuss what's happening, laugh with, hold hands, share private jokes, melt into...
Watching the Ranger games--I have this warped sense of humor about some of the baseball players names (Pujols is my current favorite...)--I'll pronounce them wrong on purpose, or sing a little ditty. Jim always commented that it was 'so different' watching sports w/me, I always kept it interesting. I miss that...
I had a friend tell me how blessed I am that I have my kids, my family, my friends, my church(s). I tried to tell him, yes, I'm blessed by those that love me but it's just not the same! And to be FRANK (Kim/Susan), I'd rather have my husband back!
Jim's physical presence is what I miss most...his touch, his arms, his hugs, the kisses, his warmth, the way he had of just sharing a look..sometimes that just said so much. No one, no one knew me like he did--and I doubt anyone will ever again.

I have a note I've carried in my wallet for many years, I think he dropped it off while riding his bike when we lived in Alaska, while I was at work: "I just wanted to leave you a note to say that I love you & be careful driving home, I'm thinking about you! I love you so much. Be careful Honey, see you when you get home. Love you, Jim".
I was going through his wallet, shredding credit cards that no longer will be used. I found a note I had written him and left in the car for him to see, I don't remember when I wrote it, but it was fairly recent: "When I see you, my heart jumps & I'm so full of love for you! You are my Joy! Be Careful! Love you! Edie :)" He carried that in his wallet along w/a Happy Valentine's day heart sticker...that note is now in my wallet.

The bible, when I searched for lonely brought up this verse: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5 (this was one of Elizabeth's verses when she was a toddler, so cute!)
I will trust in Him, and I am leaning on Him, but all of this hurts, and I don't like it, I don't like it at all--too bad a temper tantrum will not change anything because I believe I could conjure up a really good one right now!