Frustrated & Lonely

Frustrated & Lonely

(warning--this blog is a rant, I was rather angry)

on Friday, October 28, 2011 at 10:49am

Frustrated:  the dictionary defines this word as "feeling or expressing distress & annoyance, especially because of an inability to charge or achieve something."

• The credit union where Jim has banked since he was 9, and I've been on the account for 29 years is a source of frustration.  This CU is in Belton/Killeen, so when I was down at mom's 3 weeks ago, I stopped by to see what I needed to do since Jim died.  I was told HIS assets would be frozen, they needed a death certificate.  Hmmmm, my name is on the account, there are NO survivor benefits, the $$$ is actually mine! It should not be this difficult!  **FYI: the Social Security office was so, so easy!**
• One of the life insurance companies received the death certificate, 6 days later I get a letter informing me the certificate was 'pending' they needed a completed one....if the processor had LOOKED at the ADDENDUM to the certificate, towards the bottom 1/2 of the document, they would have seen it.  I called: "oops, sorry, we will process this, but it will be tomorrow, our systems are down."  I realize this is "just a job" for these people, but for the survivors--it's an emotional, distressing time and these tasks, when there are road bumps--make it worse...
• The short term disability I am trying to get---probably won't happen, since I'm not 'so severely disabled' I can't function....I suppose if I said I was a danger to myself or others, I'd get it...I have an amazing boss and I'm certain she will work with me.  I truly just need this time to focus on grieving and reinventing myself--as one person, instead of the two I've always been.

WHERE is the practical "how to" or "what to expect" book for widows/widowers that guides a person through the practical aspects of the death of a husband/wife? I can only imagine what doing taxes and things like that are going to be like... Where's the compassion?  The sensitivity that people need to have when they are dealing with customers that have experienced a severe loss?

Lonely: the dictionary defines this word as "being without company, sad from being alone, producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation."

• This is the emotion/feeling I'm having the strongest right now.  I noticed it  week ago, and actually talked it through w/my therapist this week. And it's something I have to make room for in my body and experience, (I tend to hold my breath to keep the grief inside--lessen the tears) it's all part of that walk through the valley of grief---the goal is to get to the other side, for me it is the struggle of not having a set timeline--I do not know how long the emotions will be so strong, nor do I know when the emotion is going to double me over with grief, I am unable to control it at this point.
•  I can be in a crowd, with family or friends and I feel so overwhelmingly lonely.  We went to the Alliance Air Show on Saturday-- Austin, Christi and I and as we walked around and sat and watched the airshow I realized I don't have that "someone" anymore who gets my jokes, I can share my thoughts with, discuss what's happening, laugh with, hold hands, share private jokes, melt into...
• Watching the Ranger games--I have this warped sense of humor about some of the baseball players names (Pujols is my current favorite...)--I'll pronounce them wrong on purpose, or sing a little ditty. Jim always commented that it was 'so different' watching sports w/me, I always kept it interesting.  I miss that...
• I had a friend tell me how blessed I am that I have my kids, my family, my friends, my church(s).  I tried to tell him, yes, I'm blessed by those that love me but it's just not the same! And to be FRANK (Kim/Susan), I'd rather have my husband back!
• Jim's physical presence is what I miss most...his touch, his arms, his hugs, the kisses, his warmth, the way he had of just sharing a look..sometimes that just said so much. No one, no one knew me like he did--and I doubt anyone will ever again.

I have a note I've carried in my wallet for many years, I think he dropped it off while riding his bike when we lived in Alaska, while I was at work:  "I just wanted to leave you a note to say that I love you & be careful driving home, I'm thinking about you! I love you so much. Be careful Honey, see you when you get home.  Love you, Jim".
I was going through his wallet, shredding credit cards that no longer will be used.  I found a note I had written him and left in the car for him to see, I don't remember when I wrote it, but it was fairly recent: "When I see you, my heart jumps & I'm so full of love for you!  You are my Joy! Be Careful! Love you! Edie :)"  He carried that in his wallet along w/a Happy Valentine's day heart sticker...that note is now in my wallet.

The bible, when I searched for lonely brought up this verse: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5 (this was one of Elizabeth's verses when she was a toddler, so cute!)
I will trust in Him, and I am leaning on Him, but all of this hurts, and I don't like it, I don't like it at all--too bad a temper tantrum will not change anything because I believe I could conjure up a really good one right now!