Last Day of 2011...I'm a party of One...

Last Day of 2011...I'm a party of One...

on Saturday, December 31, 2011 at 8:47pm

I spent this week out of town, I ran away from home.  I felt the need to be alone, be quiet, away from home. I don't know if you are like this, but if I'm home, I find a million things to keep me busy!
The alone part, I believe, I have mastered--as I'm now, always a "party of one".  The be quiet...not so much.  I'm thinking this time alone was a test for me to really do things alone:  eat out, alone; shop, alone; drive, alone; make decisions, alone; plan my schedule, alone.
I think patience may have also been part of what I was to focus on...difficult at best for me. I have always struggled with being patient. It's hard to be patient with myself, just when I think I've mastered something within this journey of grief, I haven't...I want (and prefer) timelines, schedules, deadlines... For this journey, there is no timeline, no deadline to meet and no schedule to keep--it's all dependent on each and every moment of the day, and it's almost a dance, sometimes it's two steps forward and 3 steps back.  Very frustrating to me...
I can honestly say there were moments of fun sprinkled in to my running away: nothing like running errands with the Innkeeper in a limo...developed a great appreciation for the Sweet Tea Martini...
I was made to feel so welcome each and every day by everyone at Inn on the Creek!
Met up with a guy I went to high school with and we talked for hours, catching up, he lives in MS, but was home for Christmas!!
Another angel, this one named Janice, crossed my path.  A spunky, friendly, octogenarian who was concerned I was dining alone last night, so she introduced herself and asked if I was OK.  When I explained, she offered me comfort and hope (she's 2 years into her 2nd marriage and she and her new husband had both been married once before for 50+ years!). It was cute to hear her go back to her table and tell her husband he was right about me!
So here it is, New Year's Eve.  I feel like I should say something profound, but I don't have anything.  I have spent some time reflecting on this year.  It was a year with one of the most shocking changes complete with ripple effects that will be felt forever.  There were gifts sprinkled in:

• wonderful, precious moments with Jim that I will treasure!
• I've reconnected with "old" friends and have many, many new friends!
• I have learned what it is to truly throw myself at the Lord's mercy, begging for Him to be strong for me because for right now, I'm not.
• The power of prayer sustains me.  So many prayers were said and still are said for myself, the kids, Jim's family.
• Humility -- I've been humbled by the effect Jim had those that knew him, even those that only knew "of" him. 
• My quiet, unassuming husband was such a witness for Christ and he touched so many people!
• I'm learning that the future I had envisioned, to be shared with Jim now has to be rewritten, and it's a future for "a party of one".  This makes it "all about me" and you'd think that would be kind of cool, except my life has NEVER been all about me.  It's always been Jim and I then Jim, the kids and I...well the kids are grown, Jim's gone and it's just me, the party of one...

I've had to pause (stop actually) and rethink my priorities which is currently ongoing:  I'm rethinking my career, where I live, what kind of life I truly want to live that will be pleasing to God.
For the New Year, it's customary to think about what you want the year to be, set a resolution or two.  I won't be doing that.  To plan or wish for certain things over an entire year is too much for me these days.  I'm focusing on the present, I want to do that each and every day and work to make each day count as we are not promised tomorrow.

The journal I continue to write in every night says the following for today (author unknown):
"Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song.
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Does Jesus care when I've tried and failed
To resist some temptations strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?
Does Jesus care when I've said "goodbye"
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares."

Happy New Year! My prayer is for the Lord to watch over you, protect and comfort you, give you peace. And that you will live each day of 2012 like there will be no tomorrow, with no regrets!