Life moves forward and the holidays

Life moves forward and the holidays

on Saturday, December 3, 2011 at 8:31pm ·

Ke'anea Point, where we honored Jim.I realized it's been since 10/28 since I've posted a note.  That note, I moved to private--it was all about frustration, and as I read it, I didn't like it...it was all true, but I was obviously angry and bitter about the worldly items I had to deal with.

It's been 14 weeks and 4 days since Jim collapsed and died.  So much has happened!

• I don't "watch the clock" reliving Jim's collapse every Tuesday night anymore.  I am so thankful that time has allowed me to let go of that tragic memory!
• I have seen my daughter at a minimum every two to two and a half weeks since Jim died.
• I'm back to work, feeling a bit lost, things change so fast in the wireless world! I have a very patient boss and an incredible team leading the way for me.
• I've had to buy a new winter wardrobe -- my clothes are way too big..that's a good thing, really, just not how I go about it...I'm exercising more, but I tend to forget to eat 1 or 2 meals a day... (4 dress sizes in about 21 months)
• The medical expenses and funeral expenses have been paid in full.
• The life insurance policies are settled, still waiting for one to be complete, but its in process and there have not been any issues.
• The kids and I fulfilled Jim's last wish: it was a week of fun, laughter, remembrance, sadness and JOY

November brought many different "firsts":

• Jim's 47th birthday.  The kids and I spent that day at Putt Putt.  We played miniature golf, rode go carts, had batting practice, played video games and air hockey.  It was a day of family fun and we've all decided that will the best way to celebrate Jim's birthday every year!

• Our 28th wedding anniversary -- George & Diane Highsmith came and spent the day with me, as did Austin.  It was a very difficult day, made easier by their presence.  Lots of remembering, laughter and tears.  It just seemed weird.  I think I will go away for a few days around our anniversary.  Jim and I always celebrated with just the two of us, either together all day or going away for a weekend retreat. I'm going to try that next year.

• Austin's 20th birthday--Jim had preordered Austin's birthday gift back in July (the newest Call of Duty) and had actually made me buy a birthday card he thought was perfect back in July too. Thank you, Lord for that gift!

• Thanksgiving.  The Gulley's favorite!  We totally twisted it up by heading to Maui to fulfill Jim's last wish.  It was a GREAT vacation!  We had fun, we remembered our family trip in 2005, did some of the same things.  Did new things like a helicopter tour (Jim would NEVER!).  There was sadness as we honored Jim, but also jubilation! Weird, right? God made that time last week perfect for us, thank You!  Both kids want to move to Maui and live there now.

Now it's December.  I toyed with a tree, no tree, decorate the mantel, don't, the wreath on the door or not? What is going to be less upsetting?  I discovered that nothing is "less" upsetting...any decision is wrapped in grief right now, and the tears can come at the darnedest time, triggered by memories or something silly or even while brushing your teeth....

• I did put the wreath up and lighted garland around the front door.
• I did put up a tree (not the huge, normal one). I found a 4' lighted tree and put it on a table, in the office and picked just a few special ornaments to put on it.
• I DID put our stockings up on the mantel, but I used different garland, and I positioned the stockings in an entirely different manner.  Jim, as head of the household was always first, then me, then the kids in birth order, then the dog's.  Jim's stocking is in the center of the mantel, w/a picture of him from last Christmas on the stocking holder.  I like to think that our stockings surrounding his stocking represents how this family now surrounds his memory with our love, and how we always, always will surround his memory with our love!
• My sister, Kim gave me a fabulous idea for Christmas, but I can't tell, as I need to talk w/the kids first, but I think it will be a great, new Christmas tradition.
• Elizabeth's 25th birthday is the 6th.  Austin and I drive down to Waco tomorrow to celebrate.  I bought her a beautiful plumeria pendant while we were in Maui for her birthday.  I always was "in charge" of her birthday gifts, Jim always left that to me to arrange.  I've got a bit of a surprise for her..it's silly, but she'll like it! And she thinks the pendant is also for Christmas, but I've got something else up my sleeve....
• Christmas, Jesus' birthday!  I'm taking this holiday a day at a time, not stressing.  My shopping is done! Things are wrapped, I'm waiting for a few items to be shipped.  It's sad, bittersweet  but at the same time, I'm "awe-struck" that Jim is actually celebrating with the BIRTHDAY BOY...Jesus!
• Austin will be rocking it out at FUMC on Christmas Day!  My mom (and hopefully Pops) will be here with us.  Elizabeth, too, but I imagine since she was off Thanksgiving she will have to work, but I'll pray for that!
• We will celebrate w/the Gulley's on the 26th in Belton.

I find my solace and my strength in my Faith, my Family and my Friends!  It seems that the right words, the right bible verse, that hug, that card or that phone call happens at the most perfect time!  We are promised eternity in heaven with all the saints that go before us and with our Lord and Savior.  While we remain on this earth, it is my hope, my prayer for everyone to live each day with no regrets!  Merry Christmas!