I
receive a daily email, from Grief Share, I had an angel suggest this
website and signed up for their daily emails a few weeks after Jim
died. They get delivered very late at night, so it's always one of the
first things I read each morning. They have been very helpful, some
deal with the loss of parents, the loss of a child, suicide, but most
deal with loss of a spouse and just grief in general, and faith--faith
and hope are what you need to cling to during these times. They always
have a biblical basis and end with a bible verse and prayer. The last
few days they have been about "Good Grief". Here's today's:
Good Grief
Day 225 Good grief is accepting the fact that your loved one has died,
accepting the sorrow and pain, and knowing there is more to come. Good
grief is getting through the days, the months, and, eventually,
through the years.
Dr. Erwin Lutzer says,
"There was a young woman who saw me for counsel. She was madly in love
with her husband, and he died unexpectedly. She was contemplating
suicide. She said, 'I simply cannot live. I want to die, and I want to
be with him. That's all that I care about.' So I explained to her that
what she needed to do was to get through the first year. I promised her
that the sun would shine again.
"She saw me
several months later, and she said, 'You know, the sun is beginning to
shine. I have now discovered I can make it without him.' And she's on
her way. Grief takes time but you will find it gets better, and you
must recognize that it is a period of transition to a brand-new kind of
life for you."
Your life will never be the
same again, but you will get through the grief. The grieving process is
a transition into your new life.
"He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age" (Ruth 4:15).
Lord, I did not want a new life. I liked my old one just fine, but I
understand that going back is not an option. Therefore, Lord, I will
move forward. Teach me to seek You and embrace You and grow in this new
life. Amen.
Over the last few weeks I've realized a
few things. It's been almost 8 months. Most people in my life (and I
knew this would happen, I read about it) assume that for the widow
(ugh!) life is getting back to the new normal, and everyone kind of goes
back to normal--no longer checking in, no longer dropping by, etc.
I've seen this happen. That seems to be life and it's OK. There are
still people uncomfortable -- please don't be. It's OK to talk about
Jim, share your memories and say his name...that's how we remember and
memories are all we have now of that great guy! To those friends who
are so persistent...thank you for not giving up on spending time with
me, calling me, sending me a quick note or text...you'll never know how
many times I'm wallowing in my grief only to be lifted up by you--your
timing is impeccable!
I struggle with the new normal, what is that exactly? I am reading, a great book, thank you Donna L. It's by Paula D'Arcy
When People Grieve Guidance for Grievers and the Friends Who Care.
In her book she talks about how the person you were prior to the death
of your loved one is never the person you will be again. I realized
just how true that statement is, and that while I am grieving Jim's
death, I'm also grieving what was for me. I will never be exactly the
same person I was -- growth and change is all part of the aging
process. Death of a spouse, accelerates that change. So I also kind of
grieve for who I was, I was Jim's wife, he was my best friend and we did
everything together, I was happiest when I was with Jim, that's just
how it was, we loved each other that much!
I was talking
with one of my "kids" yesterday, bless you Sarah Grace, for calling and
checking on me yesterday. And I mentioned that I had been out with a
group of women the night before, and it was so fun to be with these
strong women, we laughed, and laughed. I talked told her about getting
very involved with a ministry in Haiti--I want go and help w/my hands!
And I'm off to volunteer at an incredible art exhibit at the Dallas
Arboretum next month...things I would have never done if Jim were here.
She asked me why? I had to stop and think for a moment....the answer
is simple really. I was very content to spend every waking moment with
Jim when I wasn't at work or teaching at church. I didn't plan outings
w/others that didn't include Jim, Jim wasn't into the arts so we didn't
go, and frankly, we didn't really get involved in mission work. Again, I
was so content just being with him, watching baseball, hanging out,
going out as a couple. Maybe that consuming focus on each other was
God's way of helping me spend as much time with Jim as possible, as He
knew Jim's time was limited here on earth...
So, along with
grieving for Jim's death, I also find that I'm grieving the me I use to
be and stumbling through discovering who I am to be now...what moves me
forward, what excites me, what helps me feel that I'm being the very
best person that God wants me to be. I question what I do a lot these
days. I want everything I do to "mean something". Things like my
work, where I'm living, what can I do be a better Mom, a better friend, a
better daughter, a better sister, a better representative of God's
hands and feet, here on earth...
I'm proud to say that I'm
experiencing "Good Grief"...I know I cannot go backwards and have Jim
back in my life, so I take this journey, this long, winding, rough,
sometimes 1 step forward, 3 steps back kind of journey through grief,
moving forward to a new me, to new adventures, new life with a faith so
much richer and deeper than I ever knew before Jim's death...I take this
journey a day at a time...OK, let's be real, sometimes it's minute by
minute! But I"m moving forward, that's what matters most.
Love
each and every one of you, thank you, thank you for your prayers,
support, notes, calls, text messages, cards...keep them coming, I
cherish them!
