Spring forward...

on Friday, March 23, 2012 at 6:24pm ·

So, it's now been 30 weeks and 3 days since Jim died.  That would be 213 days, roughly 5,112 hours.  It's spring -- we really didn't have a winter and I know Jim would have enjoyed the warmer days this time around. As I think about spring, I can't help but think about re-birth, new growth, baby birds, lambs, etc, and hope...isn't that spring--the one word: hope as all things renew themselves? 
The trees are budding--they are almost fully leafed out.  The flowers are blooming, the birds are building nests.  Plants I thought had died, are amazingly coming back to life! Spring break has come and gone.
So much has happened, well, since his death, but really since the first of the year:

• Austin and I got the house ready to sell.  Austin's been amazing!! I was gone the first week the house was listed, and he did a great job keeping it "show" ready!! Even cleaning up the mess that happened on the porch due to the high winds/storms.
• Going over the paperwork with my good friend and realtor, Deb, there was an overwhelming moment of sadness.  Putting this house up for sale, although Jim and I talked about doing this before he died--is the first EXTREMELY huge decision that I feel I'm making on my own.  It's uncomfortable and feels so strange.  It's been listed for a week, we've had 2 showings...here's to a few more & a contract?
• We packed, sorted, gave away, threw away...had painters in to paint and do repairs, window cleaners, housecleaners, carpet cleaning....craziness! Dwayne & Elizabeth came up for a weekend to help with the garage & attic!
• I've redecorated a bit, and it was a bit odd to decorate based on my taste, what colors and things I enjoy...I always considered Jim and his taste (NOT bright bold colors or florals)...the dining room is not only bright and bold, but the dishes are.....floral!
• Elizabeth and Dwayne are buying a house!  It's being built as I type, and they will be moving in June 2.  I'm so very proud of both of them! (Jim would be, too!)
• I updated my own will, as the one I had was from 1988, and I needed to change it from Jim to the kids.  It's a fairly easy document...with the only hard piece being my last wishes--I put it in writing, as it's so very important to me that my kids understand exactly what I want, what to do--so they are not having to make those decisions at an incredibly emotional time. {{Please, if you've not drafted a will, do it NOW...you are never promised tomorrow, and having things in a legal document, eases the burden on those you love and leave behind...I know it's awful to think about, but what a wonderful gift to leave for those you love most}}
• For the first time in "forever" I did not take spring break off--that was always the week of our "big" family vacation, and over the last few years, not so much a big vacation, but just time to be together.  We'd do fun things like redo the flower beds, mow, trim, paint....ugh!
• I took a week off, actually 6 days and flew to S. Carolina to see my niece peform in her school's production of Cinderella and spend time w/my sister & brother-in-law.  It was wonderful! I did nothing really... as opposed to when I'm home, I find a million and one things to keep me busy. I promised my sister it would NOT be another 10 years before I visited again.
• On a whim, Austin and I fly to Phoenix tomorrow, going to a Ranger's spring training game against the LAA Angels then back home (all in one day)...something Jim always wanted to do but we just couldn't afford it.
• I go to Hot Springs next month, to visit with my other sister, Kim, for a few days.  Great time for us to catch up and spend some time together.  I have plans to see some friends I've known since I was 5!  I hope to see my father, maybe re-establish that broken relationship.
• I bought the camera I always wanted---a DSLR and it takes such amazing pictures!! I was so excited to use it in SC--at the botanical gardens in Orangeburg, Cathy's house, Charleston & Folly Beach.
•  I'm all caught up in an amazing ministry, Second Mile Ministry, Haiti.  I've never been so eager to help like this before. I encourage you to check them out, I've liked them on facebook and I follow their blogs...two young women who are not only helping children in Haiti, but also teaching the Moms in Haiti how to better care for their children --- God's hands and feet at work, here on earth.
• Austin and I are considering joining the church where he plays drums, amazing group of folks, again doing wonderful things in the community and the world -- another example of God's hands and feet at work. I find myself feeling more and more at home in this amazing church.

I guess what this post is all about is, life goes on...life renews itself, what use to be is eventually replaced with new or different things, whether it be routines, or travel, choices of where to eat, what to eat, what to do, what not to do, where to live...(that reminds me, I should figure out where I would like to live when this house sells...)
Making decisions now are mine, just mine and that is so strange to me.  I've never made decisions for just myself...it's always been a team event:  Jim and I, then Jim, the kids and I, back to Jim and I.  Really takes some getting use to...but I'm learning.
I find the tears not so quick to happen these days, and I'm grateful.  Although, sometimes, the strangest things will conjure up a memory and that wave of sorrow will knock me down and send me tumbling into sadness and tears.  I've learned to let it...and then I pick myself up and I'm a bit stronger, I do it all over again.
I find that I can smile (sometimes a sad smile) at memories..or laugh and talk about Jim when I'm reminded of something.  It's really OK for everyone around me to talk about him too...sometimes people aren't certain if it's ok--if what they'd like to share will bring tears or smiles....either one is OK.  I LOVE to hear "Jim stories, Jim memories"!!! He was an amazing man, I like to be reminded of that.
Happy spring!  HOPE -- it's that time of year.  The HOPE of new life, the HOPE of the resurrection, the HOPE of better things to come.