All Thoughts Lead to Jim

Over the last few weeks, I've been pondering in my head the fact that almost each and every thought I have makes me think of Jim.
Sometimes, it's a welcome thing...memories surface that make me smile.
Sometimes, it's not very welcome...it makes me sad, makes me angry, the tears overflow and the grief takes over.
I begin to wonder if I'm crazy and realize that grief is a weird journey...it's a solitary thing. Certainly, many experience grief, but the journey, is different for everyone, even as you grieve the same person. Here are some of my recent thoughts w/how they lead to Jim in italics.

• Putting up the Christmas decorations, I actually climbed a ladder and put lights up outside (ok, it was a just a 6 ft ladder, and only on the front of the house). Jim would have been impressed, he would of  laughed with me, as I failed to realize you should start hanging lights at the power source...not the opposite end, where you discover, too late, you are 4 ft short reaching the outlet. So, it took twice the time it would have...I had to redo it all!
• Jim's sister has met a wonderful man...Jim would really like this guy and be so very happy for her!
• My trip to Turks & Caicos: Jim would have LOVED the beach.  He would have hated the food. He would have LOVED the small, intimate hotel.  He would have gotten sea sick on the boat excursion. He would have sat on the beach while I snorkeled. We would have celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary, just the two of us.
• Austin is moving out, on his own.  I should NOT be a widow AND an empty nester...Jim should be here.  What FUN we had that fall in 2010 when we had 4 month's "practice" of having an empty nest. A preview of what life after kids would be.  I'm grateful for that time, as it ended up being the ONLY time to experience this "after kids" life. Jim would be so proud of his son!
• Elizabeth & Dwayne bought their first house, and it's wonderful to see how well they are doing! They've been married almost 5 years.  Jim would be so very proud, add to it that Elizabeth really likes her job, double proud!
• Getting stopped by a train. I always text or called Jim complaining about the darn train!
• Christmas memories: Christmas Eve services, late at POP, sleepy kids, Silent Night by candlelight, in German, the Church bell ringing in Christmas morning. Purdy, Elizabeth's first puppy, being delivered Christmas morning. Drums for Austin.  Concert tickets, so our kids could say their first concert was KISS and their parents took them! The one time we got a "real" tree, because I wanted the kids to experience a real tree. Staying up late on Christmas Eve, putting together toys, cuddling on the couch, music on softly, just enjoying the moment & gazing at our tree.
• The kid's and I celebrate Christmas together Saturday.  Jim should be here--he hands out the gifts, that's his job. I remember that last Christmas, look at the pictures and my heart breaks.  We miss him so much that ache just never goes away.
• The front yard is a mess! Jim would have never allowed the yard to look so bad, he took such pride in a beautiful yard. I'm doing the best I can--that's just not my specialty.
• Joining a new church. Jim would have asked lots of questions to understand the beliefs during the new member class.
• Driving to and from work -- it's a 38 mile commute for me and my thoughts wander to Jim every day. Today, it was that I miss his touch...that hug, the look, the ability to "melt" into him, hold his hand, kiss him, sit beside him, our thighs touching, snuggling up to his back early in the morning we were weren't quite awake. I miss sharing my day with my love. Hugs from family & friends, while appreciated, and please don't stop giving them, just aren't the same...I have a physical reaction to missing him like this, it's actually painful, my chest hurts, and you know how when you eat that sugary icky icing, your mouth feels all weird--that exact feeling goes all the way through my body.
• We pick up the tradition of celebrating Mom's birthday and her & John's anniversary on New Year's Eve (I couldn't do it last year).  It's different this year, no Stagecoach Inn...it's Inn on the Creek. I remember the many years of this tradition -- Jim always got chicken fried steak and he loved their hushpuppies. He would not like the menu at the Inn....it involves shellfish.
• I was in the Church's Christmas Musical!  I don't know if I would have done it, had he been here, but I did it...I even sang (no microphone).  Adam told me the Jim would have been so proud of me.  That thought, made me smile and cry. 
•  I think about the future, just a little.  I'm still learning to live in the moment, in the present. I always wonder what Jim would want me to do when I need to make decisions.

I'm not certain that I like this "new" normal. It's kind of like a new coat, it looked good when I tried it on, it felt good for those few minutes, but the longer I wear it, the more uncertain I am if I actually LIKE it.  Wearing a coat isn't normal for this Texas Gal.  "Wearing" my grief, that's not comfortable for me either...what if I'm doing it wrong? Where's the road map, dammit!  I'm so good at following processes & rules...
I currently feel lost.  I get comments that I seem to be doing so well.  I heard today, from my team, that they were so glad that I seemed to be enjoying the Christmas season this year.  I confessed to them that I don't really remember a whole lot about last Christmas.  I know I "went through the motions". And yes, it's different this year -- I've got the Christmas music playing, I didn't do that last year. Little steps towards my new normal.
By all outward appearances, I'm doing fine.  That's because when you see me, I'm busy, I'm focused on what I'm doing, what needs to be done.  It's those quiet times that are the worst.  When my mind wanders, my thoughts lead to Jim and it overwhelms me.  So I pray, I try to keep busy and yes, at times, I throw myself down, ask for mercy and let the tears and sobs overtake me.  I surrender to it, knowing that God has me in His loving arms, comforting me and hurting with me.
To end on a positive note, time does ease the pain. Memories bring more smiles than tears. I remain ever so humbled that God chose Jim for me.  I'm a better person because of him, I continue to focus on being the kind of person he was living a life with NO REGRETS because he truly was, my better half!
 

And life goes on

I've been thinking over the past few days that's it's been several weeks since I have taken the time to reflect and put into words all that is going on -- around me and in me.

• An amazing visit w/a childhood friend and the fun of putting together a gift for her of scarves and tiaras
• The Italian Car Show has come and gone, a great day spent w/my son 
• The wonderful celebration of a charter member of Prince of Peace, he's in heaven ringing the bell to bring all the saints to worship
• The Alliance Air Show has come and gone--another day, an extremely COLD day, spent w/my son  
• My birthday celebrated with two of my favorite gals then a wonderful birthday gift of dinner and seeing an amazing production of Fiddler on the Roof; actually, it was a wonderful day for me, so many wonderful wishes & gifts 
• An evening spent with my small group--Octoberfest dining at it's best
• I've taken the house off the market--while showings had kind of increased, there was only one offer and unfortunately, it would have cost me to sell the house. Frankly, I was tired of living like I don't live in my own home
• Time spent w/neighbors--call me Ms. Bartender...
• I'm officially a member of Fellowship UMC in Trophy Club
• Boss's day was Tuesday--I missed it for my boss, but my team, oh, my team--I got flowers, purple calla lilies, a bottle of wine & a cute set of flavored cocktail mixers and lunch
• My last day of working in Plano was today.  On October 22 my new work place is downtown Dallas--on the 5th floor of a very tall building in fancy, shiny, brand new digs
• Baking, I've discovered baking!  Dog biscuits, yeast dough pumpkin bread, cookies
• I continue to work out, and have seen my strength increase 20% since July

I'm in the midst of refinancing, so I'm at this house for several (5 to 10) more years.  We moved everything out of the storage place I was renting, and it's in my garage, just waiting to be unpacked and put away...exhausting just to think about, but, I'm very happy to have my "stuff" surrounding me again.  I get to redecorate! I get to put my pictures back up of the family, of Jim. I've discovered that I probably won't just put things back where they were before I put the house up for sale.  Kind of exciting, kind of sad as I realize, again {sigh} that nothing is the same as it was nor will it ever be that way again.  I'm all full of ideas of how to move things around and change it up.

I have a friend, who went to school w/my sister--she's on my mind alot, and I pray for her and her kids as they mourn the death of her husband---he graduated w/me, Class of '83.  While I didn't know him well, we kept up with each other on Facebook. I got the chance to talk w/her recently--I am amazed at her strength and faith, and I know that she has such dark days ahead, but she's going to walk that path, through the darkness and her faith will keep her going and light will soon dawn.

I'm making plans, well, short term plans:

• OU game this Saturday w/die hard OU fans and my son
• The 2nd annual Celebrate Jim day (11/10--his 49th birthday) with my kids..all of them, Elizabeth, Austin & Dwayne.  It will be another day filled with FUN, and I hope laser tag!
• Austin's 21st birthday, party coming up! Unbelievable that my baby will be 21
• I am heading to the island of Provo, part of the Turks and Caicos Islands for 4 days, by myself.  My first trip, totally solo and out of the country to boot!  I'm excited, I'm nervous and very thankful I can have this getaway, as I quietly celebrate what would have been our 29th wedding anniversary
• Then it's Thanksgiving, traditional style this year--at Mom's w/my sisters and my babies

So, you see, life does go on, new routines established.  I still have those moments of immense sadness, loneliness--for Jim.  I woke up at 3am the other morning and did not go back to sleep--I laid there and I should have gotten up, read or something and just when I finally dozed....you got it, the alarm went off!
I get angry he left me (like he had a choice, but when you are mad, you don't think rationally) when I have to make big decisions, or have to do "man stuff"...this refinancing, I needed him to help with that, what if I've made a terrible mistake?  The new member class at the church--I hardly asked any questions and realized for the first time since he died, that Jim truly was the spiritual leader in our household and he would have had many questions to ask! Replacing the HVAC filters, there's stuff I need to put in the attic, but the attic needs plywood laid down so it's safe--duh, girlfriend can't do that....I need some blinds on some windows, and I can measure, but it makes no sense to me, and as far as hanging them, I have a crooked eye, can't hang anything straight;  The surround sound needs to be put back up and the cable hung around the ceiling/top of the walls, I think I may have a roof leak. I throw away leftovers (when I cook), because Jim's not here to eat them.  This particular list could go on and on and some times I just want to throw myself down and have a good fit, but I don't, it's a waste of precious energy--something I've been lacking recently.
 
I'm reading the most amazing devotion book:  Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence
Small, daily reads w/bible verses.  I'd like to say I am diligent about reading everyday, but I'm not.  But, the one on 9/30 really spoke to me:  "I want you to live this day abundantly, seeing all there is to see, doing all there is to do.  Don't be distracted by future concerns.  Leave them to Me!
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34

Life goes on, and I'm living it--day by day in the best way I know. 

Reflection, Prayer & Renewal

One year, that Jim broke and God had to take him home.

The Pink House

I went away earlier this week -- I needed to spend some time alone, reflecting, praying.  I got a 48 hour prayer retreat packet from Pastor John along with his suggestion that I go to Three Mountain Retreat in Clifton, TX and take my camera.  Three Mountain Retreat is an amazing place, where I have been taking youth groups & Confirmation classes to on and off for 20 years.  It's about 100 miles southwest and its where you can really disconnect (cell phones too)...perfect, right! There was plenty of time to walk/hike and just "be".
I loved the structure of the prayer retreat--although, I'll be honest, it was difficult and the overachiever in me sometimes finished sooner then the time allotted. Then there's that part about being still and listening---so hard for me to do!
I also spent time re-reading cards, emails, blogs & notes that I had received when Jim died.  I have a scrapbook--and my goal was to better organize it.  Truthfully, it was to actually read all the love, prayers and amazing words.  You see, my mind was in a fog a year ago and frankly, I didn't remember most of what I read during that time.  I've mentioned before that shock and a foggy brain are great buffers for your mind and body when the grief is so deep and painful.  I was humbled, once again by everything I read and how so many others grieve for the loss of Jim.
Another reason for getting away, was to re-read the journal I began writing on the night Jim died.  I started the journal as a way to express my feelings each day. I had made a pact w/myself that I would go back and read it in a year.  I wanted to see where I've been and where I would be in a year.
I was apprehensive, and afraid.  I didn't know how I would react.  Needless to say, there were some tears, but at the same time I learned a few things about my journey over the last 12 months:

• I cry out to the Lord constantly
• I find solace & strength in The Word
• I am blessed w/an abundance of loving caring family, friends & co-workers
• I worry about my kids and pray for them without ceasing
• I struggled with anxiety and only wanted to be at the house for those first few months
• As I went through Jim's things, or stumbled upon stuff that was his, it was confirmed over and over how deeply & completely he loved and cherished me (and our kids)
• I had determination to push through this journey (which continues)
• I learned to thank God in ALL things
• I learned to live in the present and not to predict the future
• I make time for family, I've seen/talked to my kids, my mom, my sisters, Jim's family more then ever before
• HOPE, hope was always present in my journal; each and every day
• I am strong (stronger than I ever knew)
• I seem to have ADD when I was writing, my little 1/2 page to fill everyday -- the sentences were never connected by a common thread; my thoughts were all over the place
• I was each and every day: tired, lonely, not really liking my job (I did not like this about myself)
• I prayed everyday for my kids, for peace and a good night's sleep
• I can do a lot on my own, because I must...and I only got angry when I had to do something that I considered "Jim's responsibility"
• My faith, it never wavered--it grew! It's deeper, bigger, better
• I am more attentive: to those who hurt, to helping others, to Angels that are wonderfully placed in my life at just the right time
• Being the care receiver vs. the care giver is NOT a bad thing (I've always been a giver, to have the tables turned on me was rather uncomfortable)

I call this journal my very own book of Lamentations.  I actually could only read it for about 20 or 30 minutes at a time, I sounded so pathetic at times!  I only read up to the end of May--by then I had read enough to know that my journal served it's purpose.  I don't want to be that needy, whiny, tired lonely person anymore.... So, my journal days are over (I'm actually relieved) and it's on to my next self-improvement project: reading devotions, meditating on the word & prayer--the prayer journey was extremely powerful.  It's hard to describe what it was like to pray as I did--it was a conversation with God, one where I ranted, I cried, I was thankful, encouraged and I felt such an overwhelming sense of peace.  I left Three Mountain Retreat renewed and filled with a peace that I'm OK, I really am OK.

This past Sunday, Zamar remembered Jim by wearing hawaiian shirts and the flowers that day were in memory of him.  The sermon -- "Rejoice Always" included a few of the songs that were played at Jim's celebration.  Not planned by Jess, but certainly planned by God.  It was the perfect message and a great service!

The Hebert's

On Thursday (8/23), I was once again humbled and reminded that the kids and I are not the only ones that miss Jim.  There were Facebook posts, text messages, phone calls, hugs, cards, gifts.  There were also lots of people wearing hawaiian shirts to honor and remember Jim.  If they didn't have a hawaiian shirt, they were wearing Texas Ranger gear. Thanks to the Hebert's for starting that little spark of an idea--about the hawaiian shirts.  I LOVED seeing all the pictures! It did my heart good to know that Jim is not forgotten!

 My kids and I celebrated the life that was Jim with family & friends.  We did what Jim loved to do---we went to a Texas Rangers game and had a great time! It was the perfect way to remember Jim...thanks Elizabeth for that idea!  There was laughter, stories, hugs, love & just a few teary moments (at least for me), oh and a great game to watch.  I really was truly OK and that took me by surprise! I will always miss Jim (my forever love).  But, I know that I'm doing what he would want me to do: live life, love to the fullest, have fun and laugh!

 One of the Angels, placed in my life (well, it's actually a family of angels) gave the kids and I a lei, attached to it was a picture for each of us w/Jim.  Mine had the following on the back of the picture: "...be strong and courageous, Do not be terrified, for the Lord you God will be you wherever You go." Joshua 1:9  The Lord and Jim are with you every second of every day smiling upon you, protecting and guiding you.  Lovely words to end my blog. 

I love taking pictures!  And took quite a few while on my retreat--too many to post on Facebook.  Here's a video of those pictures.  Three Mountain Retreat

The Bitter and the Sweet

Bittersweet: the dictionary defines this word as producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure.

It's been 11 months <or> 48 weeks, 3 days <or> 338 days <or> 8,112 hours <or> 486,720 minutes since Jim died.  In 4 short weeks, it will be 1 year.

SWEET:  I went to Houston and had the most relaxing week--hanging out with very special friends.  They have 2 boys and had just brought home their newborn daughter. I got to play w/the boys, visit with their parents and snuggle a newborn and worship with them.  I talked alot about Jim...I realized this and apologized, I discovered that I was comfortable talking to them about Jim and they were comfortable talking about him...and I seemed to have this need that they fulfilled.
BITTER:  Realizing that most people are uncomfortable talking about Jim with me...or even saying anything about Jim's death.
SWEET:  I got my new bedroom furniture, got my new drapes & bedding. It looks fabulous, and it's purely mine--I picked it out, I really like it.
BITTER:  I got new furniture because I wanted it to be mine...my "old" furniture and bedding was ours, we picked it out, together.  It's just me now and there's a need inside me to start making things mine.
SWEET:  The small group I belong to, Dining Disciples, met for dinner in July -- we didn't meet in June and I missed them! Hugs and fellowship, great food and just a great time.
BITTER:  The small group, is made up of 5 couples, and me. Most everyone I know and tend to hang out with is a couple (I try not to be jealous, but sometimes I can't pray away that feeling)

BHS Class of 1982 -- YAT YAS

 SWEET:  I attended the BHS, Class of 1982, 30th reunion.  Got lots of hugs, words of comfort and encouragement.  Saw some people I had not seen in many years! I was made to feel so welcome, even though it's not my class! Got to talk to someone who kind of shares the same experience, who shared words of comfort as only another widow can share. I got do it all again the next night at the annual BHS Alumni Bash, got to see even more familiar faces from years ago.  I hung out w/Jim's brother, Mike and my sister-in-law Pam, and some of their friends.  Heard some interesting stories, even a few about Jim.
BITTER:  Attending Jim's class reunion...alone, no Jim. Sitting w/Mike and Pam and feeling the overwhelming loss of Jim.  Hearing country music, songs we use to dance to when we had dates at Frank's or at the SPJST Hall and just sitting there--with only my memories.  Having to tell people who didn't know that Jim had died---it's become a normal thing for me to tell and I always feel so bad for anyone hearing about his death for the first time.
SWEET:  I got this idea to re-purpose our wedding rings...asked around, went to a jeweler and he redesigned the wedding bands and my solitaire into a family ring--incorporating our birthstones and an eternity band.  The design was finalized and I should have my new ring in a few days. This new ring will now symbolize our family, the love we shared and the amazing life we built.
BITTER:  I stopped wearing my wedding rings & Jim's wedding band in January.  It just hurt too much to see them everyday--they were a constant reminder of what was and never will be again...that whole "till death us do part" thing in our wedding vows we exchanged so many years ago (it would be 29 this year).  Which is strange, because I'm reminded everyday of what I no longer have, rings or not.
SWEET:  I see my baby girl, Elizabeth, more now than ever before, saw her just last Sunday.  We spent some time together and had lunch.  I had lunch with my Sister-in-Law, Dianne.  Again, spent time w/Mike & Pam.  Spent the weekend with my Mom recently.
BITTER: It took Jim dying to drive home how precious family is and that you have to make the effort to stay connected---pick up the phone, send a text, go to lunch, make that hours long drive, stop being "too busy" for family!
SWEET:   I've made one plan (thank you Elizabeth for the idea) for "that day", the one year mark of Jim's death.  I've rented a suite at the Texas Ranger game, my kids, my mom & pops, Mike, Pam & Dianne and few friends will join us as we acknowledge "that day".  I know the memory of  that night, the horror of Jim's collapse, the efforts to save him, the waiting at the hospital, those words that he didn't make it, will never go away.  It's my prayer that by celebrating Jim, remember him while we enjoy a great night at the Ballpark will ease those memories for this first year.  We'll be doing something he loved, we'll be together.
BITTER:  I'm doing this as a result of Jim's death...

SWEET: That's my boy and me at a Ranger's Game!

The sweetest of all:  I remain first and foremost, a woman with an incredible faith in God, whose faith has grown in the most amazing way over the past 11 months! I know that He has been the one that has, at times, carried me on this journey of grief and surrounded me with so many earthly angels!

Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Father's Day 2012

Today, Father's Day, probably one of the most difficult days for my kids in the continuing journey of grief.  I've been praying fervently that the Lord hold my babies tight and give them comfort!  I also give thanks to God, everyday, that they were given such an incredible Daddy/Father
Note:  Elizabeth called Jim, Daddy.  Austin called Jim, Father.
Jim set such a good example of what a Daddy/Father should be: kind, patient (most the time), funny, always there for them, a man of integrity, of great faith, a man who kept his promises and while he always put the Lord first, his family was next! The joke in our house was that Jim was the Gospel, I was the Law...it was true!  He was ever so much better in situations where patience and tact were necessary! We were a great parenting team, at least I like to think so.
While cleaning out the house in January, getting it ready to sell, I came across a box of Jim's stuff. OK, I came across many boxes of Jim's but this one in particular, oh, it was a treasure!  Jim had a box full of things the kids had either made him, colored for him or as they got older, the cards they bought for him, notes they wrote him, notebooks of baseball stats, band programs --- all things that were from his kids and all of it meant something special to him.
I put this box aside, and about a month ago I began working on a scrapbook for each of the kids.  I didn't want these precious things to stay in a box, hidden.  I wanted the kids to see how very much Jim treasured what they gave him. I put together the scrapbooks (with some help from a friend, thanks Lorianne) and wrote them each a letter.  As their Mom, it hurts my heart that they are grieving...I want to fix it, make it better, (like when I would kiss their owie and make it better) but I can't, not this time...I can only hold them, listen and pray.
I know that sharing these scrapbooks with the kids will probably bring even more sadness and tears to this day, this Father's Day.  At the same time, these are precious memories. I believe they each need a tangible, physical reminder of just how much Jim loved them.
It's my hope that they treasure these books!  I know today they may not see them as treasures, they will probably see them as painful. But, I also know, given time,  they will come to appreciate these scrapbooks and share them with their own families and friends--and talk about their Daddy/Father with laughter and smiles instead of tears and grief...
I also have a journal, that is specific to "Memories of Jim that make me smile" --- I will be asking the kids to share their memories with me so I can add their memories to this journal.  Another tangible, way to remember Jim, laugh and smile at all the good times we had as a family. 
If you'd like to see what I put together, I've made a video of each scrapbook, the links are below.
Elizabeth's Scrapbook
Austin's Scrapbook
Happy Father's Day to all the Dad's out there! Hug your kids, Dad's, make certain they know how much you love them!  For those whose Dad's are in heaven, I pray that today, of all days, you can spend some time remembering your Dad and that those memories fill your heart and make you smile!

A very special shout out to my niece, Jodi...she made me a scrapbook, pictures of Jim, and attached a note: " Aunt Edie, I made this scrapbook for you so you can have something to look at when you are sad or when you are thinking of Uncle Jim.  10,000 Reasons is a song and I put the lyrics in there.  I learned the song at camp.  I love you and miss you. Love, Jodi Bader   xoxo"

My Plans vs. His Plans

Isn't there a joke about how God just laughs and laughs as we humans, here on earth, make plans then get so upset when our plans are interrupted or don't happen as we had...planned?

I've had two encounters where I've made plans, only to be interrupted by God. I felt the need to share:

Back in March, I went Bluebonnet hunting. Had my new camera and was determined to have myself a pity party while out and about in Jim's mustang--top down, beautiful day, just me, crying and feeling so sorry for myself. I'm entitled...or so I thought. A random stop at a gas station: I NEVER drive west on 287 and I didn't really need gas, I could have gone a few more days. My carefully laid plan for the pity party went away when I "happened" to meet up with a very, very dear friend, Steve Spohn. He was getting gas for the mower and about to leave, he noticed Jim's car pull up..I didn't realize it was him right away, just assumed it was some crazy man in the truck trying to talk to me. We chatted for a bit, and then I followed him home to visit with his wife and family. Oh, it was a wonderful visit!! I love and adore that family! And, the pity party--never happened! I left their house feeling so much better, so much brighter! Hunted down some bluebonnets, got sunburned, had a great afternoon!

This past Tuesday, was a bit of a tough day. I needed Jim, I needed his calmness and wisdom w/an issue I had in my head. This need, only he could fill, made me miss him. So after a very restless and sleepless night, I decided to stay home, try to sleep some and well, yes, have myself another pity party.
I was primed and ready to spend the day in misery. I checked Facebook and read a post from a friend, about someone close to them who was dying. This lovely person was called home, later that evening, but prior to her death, she was sharing with those around her glimpses of heaven! It took my breath away to read what this woman was seeing of heaven as her life her on earth was ending! So amazing, so awesome, so comforting--as she was seeing those who had gone before, waiting, to welcome her Home!
I settled in for a really good round of pity. Lorianne called me, checking on me. She and Amelia had heard the song "God of this City" on the radio, it made them think of Jim, so they called. Lovely, lovely memory they shared with me, it made me smile to think of Jim playing in the praise band. So thoughtful, her calling me.
My Pops called, he was in town, and up the highway for the night. So I picked him up and we went to supper. I took him by the church to see Austin and talk w/him for a bit. Got wonderful hugs from the Bennett's. When I got home I went for a walk/jog. I believe the term is wogging I stopped to talk to my neighbor's that live behind me. They thought Jim had died, but weren't sure, so I confirmed it, and there were words of compassion and sorrow for me. I walked on home.  Austin had gotten home about 15 minutes before me. There was a police car parked in front of the house. As I walked in, I jokingly, jokingly asked him if the cops were here for him...and he told me YES! It was a case of mistaken identity---but I really was joking!
I write in a journal every night, and as I was writing down my thoughts for the day, I realized, God once again, blew up my plans for a pity party! It made me laugh, it made me smile as I realized this is twice that I've planned on feeling sorry for myself and twice that God thwarted my plans. I truly believe that because of Jim's death, I am so much more observant of God's hands working around me, through other people carefully placed in my path at just the right time.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

He certainly does, and in my case, evidently, pity parties are not part of His plan for me. Once again, I am thankful and humbled.

Mother's Day & moving on

Today is Mother's Day. Another day of moving on in this journey of grief, another "first" holiday. There are not too many firsts left as its now been almost 9 months since Jim died.
This year, today, is different for me. Jim usually reminded me in the most romantic way what made me a mom (wink, wink). He also always had flowers for me (Byron Nelson HS floral class rocks) and he learned that jewelry was the perfect gift.
This year, I got flowers from my Baby Girl and our best friends, George & Diane. I got to spend time with my mom and my daughter over the weekend, and tonight it's dinner, out, Austin's treat! I got beautiful cards and Austin--the iTunes card, perfect!

My children are truly wonderful, what a blessing they are to me and to anyone that knows them...it's Mothers Day, I can brag! Jim and I, wow! God allowed us to do such great work, what a collaboration -- those two precious human beings are the very best of both of us!

It's bitter sweet, as before Jim died, this day was pretty much all about me, in a most selfish way.

Today, I remember those gone before me (thanks Mom for releasing balloons as a remembrance of Grandma, Huffer and Mildred, Jim's mom).

I pray for comfort to women (and men) whose Mom's are in heaven--a hole for them always here on earth! I pray for women I know who are struggling with infertility, they yearn to be Moms! I pray for women I know who have lost babies before they were born, women who are suffering or have suffered through the tragic death of a child. I pray for the Moms in Haiti, who so desperately want to care for their children but don't know how, who struggle to put food on the table, a roof over their heads, much less medicine and doctor's visits. These are things I am so blessed to take for granted.

I subscribe to a daily email, Grief Share Daily, an Angel sent me the link soon after Jim died. It's daily words of hope, encouragement all tied to continuing to have faith and to lean into God during this journey. This morning's message truly touched me and I wanted to share. I pray that for anyone hurting, it offers hope and gives you strength to move on. This grief, is a journey, you must continue to move on, move forward. Are there set backs, unexpected turns? Absolutely! But we are to press on, with His help. God demands it from us...so we should probably listen.

What It Means to Move On

Moving on does not mean . . .
• you forget the person.
• you never feel the pain of your loss.
• you believe that life is fair.

Moving on does mean . . .
• you experience a lessening of the pain.
• you can treasure your best memories of the person who has died.
• you can realistically accept the different aspects of your loss.
• you can form new relationships, try new things.

Moving on also means . . .
• you grow in grace and in your walk with God.
• you accept your loss and forgive others.
• you understand that both joy and loss are a part of life.
• you believe that God is good, even when life isn't.

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete" (John 15:11).

I wonder...

...if the day will ever come when there won't be tears...
...when the memories will bring more laughter than sadness...
...when I will sleep and feel like it was a peaceful sleep and wake up rested...
...when songs on the radio will NOT make me cry...
...if the sense of loss eases over time... (I read that it does, I hear from those that have experienced death of a loved one that it does) I'm still waiting...
...if I'm providing the support my kids need as they mourn the death of their Daddy/Father...
...if Jim can really watch over us...
...when I will "move on", sometimes it seems that everyone around me has, but I'm still deep in grief...
...what to do to ease the pain of Father's day for my kids...
...when I won't feel lonely
...if people know that sometimes I get jealous and envy couples
...how can it already be 8 months
...if I will figure out how to handle that 1 year mark, is it alone, is it with the my kids, is it a quiet thing, is it a time meant to celebrate what was...because it's certainly not to celebrate what happened...
...what is in store for me each new day--I think more in the present than I ever have before...
...what God intends to do with me, how does He want me to be His hands & feet here on earth...

I know...

...there is eternal life after death and I will be reunited with Jim, someday
...there is HOPE
...that I no longer "sweat the small stuff"...and it's ALL small stuff
...I was given the gift of a stronger faith through Jim's death
...my eyes are open and I've slowed down to actually pay attention to what's going on around me
...I don't hurry and rush anymore
...I have FAITH
...I have a FAMILY that is so very supportive & loving--visiting both my sisters was priceless!
...I have FRIENDS that are amazing
...God provides exactly what I need, at exactly the right moment, even though I constantly question His timing
...Angels are everywhere, you just need to watch for them
...that I really, really appreciate when someone takes the time to reach out to me ask how I'm doing, and they really want to know--even if it's not the "standard" answer of good
...this is a journey, and it's long, it's rocky, it takes unexpected turns, and sometimes it's startling, sometimes it's surprising
...eventually, I'm going to be OK, Jim would expect nothing less

(he use to tell me that he knew, without a doubt, should anything ever happen to him, that I would be OK...I'd be able to take care of myself.  He's right, I can, I just sometimes wish I didn't have to)

The Sense of Smell

on Monday, April 16, 2012 at 9:00pm

Smell, its the strongest sense I have... I can smell a hyacinth in bloom and immediately be taken back to growing up in the gray house on the hill in Hot Springs.
I smell chocolate chip cookies baking and remember baking dozens of them for Austin & his friends.
I smell crayons and immediately think of Pastor John's VW bug.
Smell can be a powerful reminder of things past.

 I've refrained from spraying Jim's cologne--I made that "mistake" very early on after his death--it sent me into such a tail spin of grief, nothing good happened from that experiment. 

Tonight, I took out that bottle of Mary Kay's Domain and sprayed it on my pillow...and it took me immediately back into being enveloped in his arms...he had other cologne, but he wore this one, special, for me, as it was my absolute favorite. And while there is sadness (yes, some tears are being shed) that scent, tonight, it brings me comfort and memories that are so very precious! Just what I needed. The blessing of the sense of smell & memories...

Good Grief...

Good Grief...

on Sunday, April 15, 2012 at 5:34pm ·

I receive a daily email, from Grief Share, I had an angel suggest this website and signed up for their daily emails a few weeks after Jim died.  They get delivered very late at night, so it's always one of the first things I read each morning.  They have been very helpful, some deal with the loss of parents, the loss of a child, suicide, but most deal with loss of a spouse and just grief in general, and faith--faith and hope are what you need to cling to during these times.  They always have a biblical basis and end with a bible verse and prayer.  The last few days they have been about "Good Grief".  Here's today's:
 
Good Grief
Day 225 Good grief is accepting the fact that your loved one has died, accepting the sorrow and pain, and knowing there is more to come. Good grief is getting through the days, the months, and, eventually, through the years.

Dr. Erwin Lutzer says, "There was a young woman who saw me for counsel. She was madly in love with her husband, and he died unexpectedly. She was contemplating suicide. She said, 'I simply cannot live. I want to die, and I want to be with him. That's all that I care about.' So I explained to her that what she needed to do was to get through the first year. I promised her that the sun would shine again.

"She saw me several months later, and she said, 'You know, the sun is beginning to shine. I have now discovered I can make it without him.' And she's on her way. Grief takes time but you will find it gets better, and you must recognize that it is a period of transition to a brand-new kind of life for you."

Your life will never be the same again, but you will get through the grief. The grieving process is a transition into your new life.

"He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age" (Ruth 4:15).

Lord, I did not want a new life. I liked my old one just fine, but I understand that going back is not an option. Therefore, Lord, I will move forward. Teach me to seek You and embrace You and grow in this new life. Amen.

Over the last few weeks I've realized a few things.  It's been almost 8 months.  Most people in my life (and I knew this would happen, I read about it) assume that for the widow (ugh!) life is getting back to the new normal, and everyone kind of goes back to normal--no longer checking in, no longer dropping by, etc.  I've seen this happen.  That seems to be life and it's OK. There are still people uncomfortable -- please don't be.  It's OK to talk about Jim, share your memories and say his name...that's how we remember and memories are all we have now of that great guy!  To those friends who are so persistent...thank you for not giving up on spending time with me, calling me, sending me a quick note or text...you'll never know how many times I'm wallowing in my grief only to be lifted up by you--your timing is impeccable!

I struggle with the new normal, what is that exactly?  I am reading, a great book, thank you Donna L.  It's by Paula D'Arcy When People Grieve Guidance for Grievers and the Friends Who Care.  In her book she talks about how the person you were prior to the death of your loved one is never the person you will be again.  I realized just how true that statement is, and that while I am grieving Jim's death, I'm also grieving what was for me.  I will never be exactly the same person I was -- growth and change is all part of the aging process.  Death of a spouse, accelerates that change. So I also kind of grieve for who I was, I was Jim's wife, he was my best friend and we did everything together, I was happiest when I was with Jim, that's just how it was, we loved each other that much!

I was talking with one of my "kids" yesterday, bless you Sarah Grace, for calling and checking on me yesterday.  And I mentioned that I had been out with a group of women the night before, and it was so fun to be with these strong women, we laughed, and laughed.  I talked told her about getting very involved with a ministry in Haiti--I want go and help w/my hands! And I'm off to volunteer at an incredible art exhibit at the Dallas Arboretum next month...things I would have never done if Jim were here.  She asked me why?  I had to stop and think for a moment....the answer is simple really.  I was very content to spend every waking moment with Jim when I wasn't at work or teaching at church.  I didn't plan outings w/others that didn't include Jim, Jim wasn't into the arts so we didn't go, and frankly, we didn't really get involved in mission work. Again, I was so content just being with him, watching baseball, hanging out, going out as a couple.  Maybe that consuming focus on each other was God's way of helping me spend as much time with Jim as possible, as He knew Jim's time was limited here on earth...
So, along with grieving for Jim's death, I also find that I'm grieving the me I use to be and stumbling through discovering who I am to be now...what moves me forward, what excites me, what helps me feel that I'm being the very best person that God wants me to be.  I question what I do a lot these days.  I want everything I do to "mean something".   Things like my work, where I'm living, what can I do be a better Mom, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better representative of God's hands and feet, here on earth...

I'm proud to say that I'm experiencing "Good Grief"...I know I cannot go backwards and have Jim back in my life, so I take this journey, this long, winding, rough, sometimes 1 step forward, 3 steps back kind of journey through grief, moving forward to a new me, to new adventures, new life with a faith so much richer and deeper than I ever knew before Jim's death...I take this journey a day at a time...OK, let's be real, sometimes it's minute by minute! But I"m moving forward, that's what matters most.

Love each and every one of you, thank you, thank you for your prayers, support, notes, calls, text messages, cards...keep them coming, I cherish them!

Spring forward...

on Friday, March 23, 2012 at 6:24pm ·

So, it's now been 30 weeks and 3 days since Jim died.  That would be 213 days, roughly 5,112 hours.  It's spring -- we really didn't have a winter and I know Jim would have enjoyed the warmer days this time around. As I think about spring, I can't help but think about re-birth, new growth, baby birds, lambs, etc, and hope...isn't that spring--the one word: hope as all things renew themselves? 
The trees are budding--they are almost fully leafed out.  The flowers are blooming, the birds are building nests.  Plants I thought had died, are amazingly coming back to life! Spring break has come and gone.
So much has happened, well, since his death, but really since the first of the year:

• Austin and I got the house ready to sell.  Austin's been amazing!! I was gone the first week the house was listed, and he did a great job keeping it "show" ready!! Even cleaning up the mess that happened on the porch due to the high winds/storms.
• Going over the paperwork with my good friend and realtor, Deb, there was an overwhelming moment of sadness.  Putting this house up for sale, although Jim and I talked about doing this before he died--is the first EXTREMELY huge decision that I feel I'm making on my own.  It's uncomfortable and feels so strange.  It's been listed for a week, we've had 2 showings...here's to a few more & a contract?
• We packed, sorted, gave away, threw away...had painters in to paint and do repairs, window cleaners, housecleaners, carpet cleaning....craziness! Dwayne & Elizabeth came up for a weekend to help with the garage & attic!
• I've redecorated a bit, and it was a bit odd to decorate based on my taste, what colors and things I enjoy...I always considered Jim and his taste (NOT bright bold colors or florals)...the dining room is not only bright and bold, but the dishes are.....floral!
• Elizabeth and Dwayne are buying a house!  It's being built as I type, and they will be moving in June 2.  I'm so very proud of both of them! (Jim would be, too!)
• I updated my own will, as the one I had was from 1988, and I needed to change it from Jim to the kids.  It's a fairly easy document...with the only hard piece being my last wishes--I put it in writing, as it's so very important to me that my kids understand exactly what I want, what to do--so they are not having to make those decisions at an incredibly emotional time. {{Please, if you've not drafted a will, do it NOW...you are never promised tomorrow, and having things in a legal document, eases the burden on those you love and leave behind...I know it's awful to think about, but what a wonderful gift to leave for those you love most}}
• For the first time in "forever" I did not take spring break off--that was always the week of our "big" family vacation, and over the last few years, not so much a big vacation, but just time to be together.  We'd do fun things like redo the flower beds, mow, trim, paint....ugh!
• I took a week off, actually 6 days and flew to S. Carolina to see my niece peform in her school's production of Cinderella and spend time w/my sister & brother-in-law.  It was wonderful! I did nothing really... as opposed to when I'm home, I find a million and one things to keep me busy. I promised my sister it would NOT be another 10 years before I visited again.
• On a whim, Austin and I fly to Phoenix tomorrow, going to a Ranger's spring training game against the LAA Angels then back home (all in one day)...something Jim always wanted to do but we just couldn't afford it.
• I go to Hot Springs next month, to visit with my other sister, Kim, for a few days.  Great time for us to catch up and spend some time together.  I have plans to see some friends I've known since I was 5!  I hope to see my father, maybe re-establish that broken relationship.
• I bought the camera I always wanted---a DSLR and it takes such amazing pictures!! I was so excited to use it in SC--at the botanical gardens in Orangeburg, Cathy's house, Charleston & Folly Beach.
•  I'm all caught up in an amazing ministry, Second Mile Ministry, Haiti.  I've never been so eager to help like this before. I encourage you to check them out, I've liked them on facebook and I follow their blogs...two young women who are not only helping children in Haiti, but also teaching the Moms in Haiti how to better care for their children --- God's hands and feet at work, here on earth.
• Austin and I are considering joining the church where he plays drums, amazing group of folks, again doing wonderful things in the community and the world -- another example of God's hands and feet at work. I find myself feeling more and more at home in this amazing church.

I guess what this post is all about is, life goes on...life renews itself, what use to be is eventually replaced with new or different things, whether it be routines, or travel, choices of where to eat, what to eat, what to do, what not to do, where to live...(that reminds me, I should figure out where I would like to live when this house sells...)
Making decisions now are mine, just mine and that is so strange to me.  I've never made decisions for just myself...it's always been a team event:  Jim and I, then Jim, the kids and I, back to Jim and I.  Really takes some getting use to...but I'm learning.
I find the tears not so quick to happen these days, and I'm grateful.  Although, sometimes, the strangest things will conjure up a memory and that wave of sorrow will knock me down and send me tumbling into sadness and tears.  I've learned to let it...and then I pick myself up and I'm a bit stronger, I do it all over again.
I find that I can smile (sometimes a sad smile) at memories..or laugh and talk about Jim when I'm reminded of something.  It's really OK for everyone around me to talk about him too...sometimes people aren't certain if it's ok--if what they'd like to share will bring tears or smiles....either one is OK.  I LOVE to hear "Jim stories, Jim memories"!!! He was an amazing man, I like to be reminded of that.
Happy spring!  HOPE -- it's that time of year.  The HOPE of new life, the HOPE of the resurrection, the HOPE of better things to come.

Misses...

Misses...

on Thursday, February 23, 2012 at 2:27pm ·

  Today marks 6 months...if you want to get technical and really play out the numbers, it's actually 26 weeks, 2 days or 184 days, or about 4,416 hours...since Jim's body broke so horribly bad that God had no choice but to take him home.  I think back to the book, "Why? Making Sense of God's Will"... where I learned a valuable lesson that helped heal my heart just a little: I couldn't fix Jim, neither could the EMTs or the Doctors, but God did and he now lives with Him, perfect!  Anyone else a bit envious of that?
I try to focus on the blessing that was Jim's life with me for 30 years.  I try to focus on the blessings, oh SO MANY blessings that have come my way in the last 6 months.  I try to focus on the Angels that have crossed my path, I try to focus on the way God uses others around me to answer my prayers.... but I also find myself focusing on all my "Misses":

• I miss his smile!
• I miss the way he could always make me laugh!
• I miss his physical presence
• I miss worshipping w/him, sinking into him during the sermon
• I miss holding his hand and praying after we took communion, together
• I miss sharing my day with him
• I miss watching him be the very best dad ever!
• I see Jim in our son, and in our daughter, the goodness that was Jim lives on in them, they will say or do somthing and I see Jim, I miss him
• I miss watching him worship, playing his guitar--that was his time w/the Lord and he always got lost in those moments
• I miss his cold feet and constant complaints about the cold
• I miss him always picking up after me...he was a better housekeeper than I was
• I miss watching our favorite TV shows and baseball together
• I miss that final text messaging at the end of the work day as we both left work and headed home, knowing that for the most part, we were going to be together
• I miss watching him prepare for rehearsals and Sunday service and that excitement he would get when he was working on some music that he didn't get---and then he finally "got" it
• I miss those lazy mornings, we didn't have to get up immediately and go our separate ways
• I miss how he would ask me what's wrong, I'd say nothing and he would pick and pick until he got the answer of what was really wrong---I should have learned to just give it up the first time he asked, but I never did...
• I miss texting him when I'm driving the Mustang with the top down...just the word, "TOPLESS"! He did that to me too when he drove w/the top down....

The list could go on and on as each day something will happen, or I'll see something and be reminded of a "Miss".  The physical hurt is easing and I find myself smiling more at these Misses than crying at these misses.
The journey remains long and hard, but I am, as always sustained by Faith, Family & Friends.

Valentine's Day...How to kidnap the one you love

Valentine's Day...How to kidnap the one you love

on Friday, February 10, 2012 at 7:33pm ·

I've been getting the house ready to put on the market.  My Mom and I spent an entire weekend going through rooms and closets.  I discovered a few things:

1. My husband was a bit of a hoarder...he disliked throwing anything away he "thought" he might need or may reuse!
2. My husband kept everything, and it's kind of a blessing.  I didn't realize how bittersweet going through everything would be.  Touching things and discovering things I hadn't seen in a very long time, all sorts of memories.
3. I've found some stuff that will allow me to do something special for my kids. (shhh, that's a secret for another time)
4. Jim had a box in the closet marked, "Jim's keepsakes."  I haven't had the strength to actually go through it.  I'm afraid that along w/the joy of memories of what was, I also will get lost in what will never be.  I know I need to allow the grief to happen, but sometimes it sideswipes me and its so powerful, so painful.

I did peek into the box--you all know I can't resist at least a peek.  On the top, was my garter from 28 years ago, wrapped around 7 red envelopes.  Oh, the memories!

In October of 1998 I kidnapped my husband.  That was the year we celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary.  I was the store manager of AT&T in Temple, and my Assistant Store Manager, Nikki, helped me w/my notes.  We spent hours cutting words and letters out of newspapers and magazines to create my notes, spraying them w/my favorite perfume.

• 3 weeks in advance I planned...arranged for the kids to stay w/my Mom; talked to Jim's boss to arrange a lunchtime pickup and he wouldn't return.  Found a fabulous B&B in the Hill Country a few hours away.
• Jim left for work that Friday morning, we had plans for me to pick him up and take him to lunch (a date).
• I packed his bag after he left along with mine.
• I had created 6 "notes" each numbered and in a red envelope.
• I picked up Jim for lunch, never said a word--just handed him note #1 which instructed him that he was being kidnapped, ask no questions, gather you stuff, leave w/your wife, await further instructions (he would not stop asking questions, but I never gave in)
• Note #2 was delivered when we got in the car he was instructed: Go to lunch at Wendy's, get in the car, kiss your wife.
• Note #3 (delivered after the kiss) instructed: Travel IH-35 S; 190W to Killeen...to Lampasas, Hwy 281, STOP, kiss your wife.
• Note #4 (delivered after the kiss) instructed: Drive S on Hwy 281 to Marble Falls, STOP, kiss your wife.
• Note #5 (delivered, you got it, after a kiss) instructed: Continue S on 281 to Hwy 290, STOP, kiss your wife.
• Note #6 (after the kiss) instructed: Go W on 290 to hwy 16, STOP, Kiss your wife...
• after this kiss, I delivered my final red envelope, a letter:

My Darling Jim,
By now you realize that we are Fredericksburg.  I have kidnapped you for a romantic weekend -- just the two of us.  We are not expected back in Belton until Sunday afternoon.  I've had this secret for 3 weeks, can you believe it?!!
Ed gave me permission to "kidnap" you for the afternoon.  I asked days ago...Mom & Pops have the van, and they have the kids.  I hear that they will be heading to the Ft. Worth zoo tomorrow to meet Thomas, Rosie & Brooke.  I've got the dogs being fed.  Your Sunday school class is also covered.
The bags were packed--they are in the trunk.  You only have to get us to the reservation place we are staying, "A Little Waltz."
We talked one night, weeks ago and you made comment that started me thinking.  You said we never just talk anymore.  We discuss schedules, work, kids, church, school and such but we never visit anymore, we never have an opportunity to really, really focus on us--you and me, the couple we established almost 15 years ago.
YOU are the love of my life, my center, my foundation, you complete me.  We need this time to re-connect, and recapture that crazy time, long ago, when we were silly in love and oblivious to all that surrounded us.
So happy anniversary...early.  I'm looking forward to focusing on you, and me and putting us first, this entire weekend.
I love you, Edie

We had a tremendous weekend, and we did re-connect.  We had such fun! Wandering around the shops, eating terrific food.  That Saturday night, at an Italian restaurant, as we were eating, a lady approached our table and asked Jim if he was Anthony Edwards (Dr. Green from ER)....he said no, and I almost snotted tea out of my nose I was laughing so hard!

So, kidnap the one you love sometime!  It will create memories to be treasured always!

I thank God for revealing this precious memory around Valentine's Day -- just my little peek into Jim's keepsakes box that overwhelms me gave me such a strong feeling of Jim's love at just the right time... 

Last Day of 2011...I'm a party of One...

Last Day of 2011...I'm a party of One...

on Saturday, December 31, 2011 at 8:47pm

I spent this week out of town, I ran away from home.  I felt the need to be alone, be quiet, away from home. I don't know if you are like this, but if I'm home, I find a million things to keep me busy!
The alone part, I believe, I have mastered--as I'm now, always a "party of one".  The be quiet...not so much.  I'm thinking this time alone was a test for me to really do things alone:  eat out, alone; shop, alone; drive, alone; make decisions, alone; plan my schedule, alone.
I think patience may have also been part of what I was to focus on...difficult at best for me. I have always struggled with being patient. It's hard to be patient with myself, just when I think I've mastered something within this journey of grief, I haven't...I want (and prefer) timelines, schedules, deadlines... For this journey, there is no timeline, no deadline to meet and no schedule to keep--it's all dependent on each and every moment of the day, and it's almost a dance, sometimes it's two steps forward and 3 steps back.  Very frustrating to me...
I can honestly say there were moments of fun sprinkled in to my running away: nothing like running errands with the Innkeeper in a limo...developed a great appreciation for the Sweet Tea Martini...
I was made to feel so welcome each and every day by everyone at Inn on the Creek!
Met up with a guy I went to high school with and we talked for hours, catching up, he lives in MS, but was home for Christmas!!
Another angel, this one named Janice, crossed my path.  A spunky, friendly, octogenarian who was concerned I was dining alone last night, so she introduced herself and asked if I was OK.  When I explained, she offered me comfort and hope (she's 2 years into her 2nd marriage and she and her new husband had both been married once before for 50+ years!). It was cute to hear her go back to her table and tell her husband he was right about me!
So here it is, New Year's Eve.  I feel like I should say something profound, but I don't have anything.  I have spent some time reflecting on this year.  It was a year with one of the most shocking changes complete with ripple effects that will be felt forever.  There were gifts sprinkled in:

• wonderful, precious moments with Jim that I will treasure!
• I've reconnected with "old" friends and have many, many new friends!
• I have learned what it is to truly throw myself at the Lord's mercy, begging for Him to be strong for me because for right now, I'm not.
• The power of prayer sustains me.  So many prayers were said and still are said for myself, the kids, Jim's family.
• Humility -- I've been humbled by the effect Jim had those that knew him, even those that only knew "of" him. 
• My quiet, unassuming husband was such a witness for Christ and he touched so many people!
• I'm learning that the future I had envisioned, to be shared with Jim now has to be rewritten, and it's a future for "a party of one".  This makes it "all about me" and you'd think that would be kind of cool, except my life has NEVER been all about me.  It's always been Jim and I then Jim, the kids and I...well the kids are grown, Jim's gone and it's just me, the party of one...

I've had to pause (stop actually) and rethink my priorities which is currently ongoing:  I'm rethinking my career, where I live, what kind of life I truly want to live that will be pleasing to God.
For the New Year, it's customary to think about what you want the year to be, set a resolution or two.  I won't be doing that.  To plan or wish for certain things over an entire year is too much for me these days.  I'm focusing on the present, I want to do that each and every day and work to make each day count as we are not promised tomorrow.

The journal I continue to write in every night says the following for today (author unknown):
"Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song.
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Does Jesus care when I've tried and failed
To resist some temptations strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?
Does Jesus care when I've said "goodbye"
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares."

Happy New Year! My prayer is for the Lord to watch over you, protect and comfort you, give you peace. And that you will live each day of 2012 like there will be no tomorrow, with no regrets!  

I had a "wobbly" moment then an ANGEL appeared...

I had a "wobbly" moment then an ANGEL appeared...

on Thursday, December 15, 2011 at 3:53pm ·

I had a lunch date today with a very dear friend, thanks Lorianne! Your company at lunch (thanks for the invite) was exactly what I needed.  I forgot about  my wobbly moment!
Before meeting Lorianne for lunch, I needed to pick up a few items from the grocery store.  And at the Kroger, there's a jewelry store. There's also a Starbucks, furniture store, baby store, toy store, sushi bar, olive bar,  but that's another blog, some other time!
I have a gold watch that has needed a battery for over a year, and I wanted to wear gold today, (I do like to accessorize) so I thought I'd pop in there, get a battery then grab my stuff.
A very nice lady, named Bennie helped me.  She asked if I had replaced a battery here before, I told her no.  She said if I filled out some information, the battery would be free!  OK!  She gives me the form, it asks the normal stuff, then there was a section for my spouse's information...
...my eyes filled with tears, she interjected that was so email reminders of special days could be sent.
...I then used "that" word for the very first time, outloud to a perfect stranger, "I'm a widow".
...and tears overflow my eyes, in front of a stranger, just doing her job.
...Bennie turned into an Angel!  She took my hands in her's, asked me how long...16 weeks and 2 days (but who's counting)
...Bennie the Angel then asked if it was sudden, and I answered yes, and so very unexpected...his heart
....Bennie the Angel told me that she too is a widow, 4 years, her husband went out for his daily walk and did not return home, he collapsed and died of a heart attack.
...Bennie the Angel, witnessed to me, offered me comfort and told me that anytime I needed to talk with someone that "had been there" to come by and see her, and if it was break time, she'd be more than happy to walk with me around the store, or grab a cup of coffee.
The "wobbly" moment was from saying out loud the word WIDOW, it places such a bad taste in my mouth and makes me sick to my stomach....which reminds me I am also unable to say "Jim passed" or "I lost my husband"....#1 I didn't lose Jim, I know exactly where he is and it's not lost! #2  Passed, he didn't pass, Jim died and it's OK to use the word died, passed makes it sound like he was a kidney stone or something (in my mind anyway).
So, if you live locally, and you need to a new battery, jewelry repair or want to purchase jewelry, there's an angel at Fred Meyer Jewelry inside the Kroger Market Place at Alliance Town Center, her name is Bennie.  Give her your business and tell her a very thankful widow referred you to her!
And if you work in retail, and you sense the customer you are assisting is hurting, take a moment, be an angel to them by saying a kind word, showing compassion.  You may think it's no big deal -- trust me, to the person you are kind to, it means so very much!
This is a moment that will live in my heart forever, the compassion of a stranger, of an Angel! Isn't that what Mary & Joseph relied on all those years ago as they traveled home and searched for a place to have their baby--the compassion of strangers, the kindness of strangers.
It's all about Faith, Family, Friends...and strangers who become Angels right before your very eyes!

My First Christmas in Heaven

My First Christmas in Heaven

on Tuesday, December 6, 2011 at 4:03pm ·

My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees
     Around the world below.
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars
     reflecting on the snow,
The sight is so spectacular
     please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with
     Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
     that people hold so dear,
But the sound of music cannot compare
     with the Christmas choir up here,
I have no words to tell you
     The joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description
     to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me
     I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away
     We really aren't apart
So be happy for me dear ones
     You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I am spending Christmas
     with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift
     from my heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory
     Of my undying love,
After all love is a gift more
     precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the
     stories that Jesus told.
Please love each other as
     The Father said to do,
For I cannot count the blessings
     or love He has for you,
So have a Merry Christmas
     and wipe away that tear,
Remember I am spending Christmas
     with Jesus Christ this year.

I received this beautiful poem from Lucas Funeral Home today...I've been in awe at the thought that Jim is in heaven and gets to celebrate Jesus' birthday with Jesus!  It's overwhelming to think about and I can't help but be so happy for him...I do wish he was here, with me, the kids, the family, but goodness--how awesome! I wonder if they sing Happy Birthday to the "birthday boy"....

Life moves forward and the holidays

Life moves forward and the holidays

on Saturday, December 3, 2011 at 8:31pm ·

Ke'anea Point, where we honored Jim.I realized it's been since 10/28 since I've posted a note.  That note, I moved to private--it was all about frustration, and as I read it, I didn't like it...it was all true, but I was obviously angry and bitter about the worldly items I had to deal with.

It's been 14 weeks and 4 days since Jim collapsed and died.  So much has happened!

• I don't "watch the clock" reliving Jim's collapse every Tuesday night anymore.  I am so thankful that time has allowed me to let go of that tragic memory!
• I have seen my daughter at a minimum every two to two and a half weeks since Jim died.
• I'm back to work, feeling a bit lost, things change so fast in the wireless world! I have a very patient boss and an incredible team leading the way for me.
• I've had to buy a new winter wardrobe -- my clothes are way too big..that's a good thing, really, just not how I go about it...I'm exercising more, but I tend to forget to eat 1 or 2 meals a day... (4 dress sizes in about 21 months)
• The medical expenses and funeral expenses have been paid in full.
• The life insurance policies are settled, still waiting for one to be complete, but its in process and there have not been any issues.
• The kids and I fulfilled Jim's last wish: it was a week of fun, laughter, remembrance, sadness and JOY

November brought many different "firsts":

• Jim's 47th birthday.  The kids and I spent that day at Putt Putt.  We played miniature golf, rode go carts, had batting practice, played video games and air hockey.  It was a day of family fun and we've all decided that will the best way to celebrate Jim's birthday every year!

• Our 28th wedding anniversary -- George & Diane Highsmith came and spent the day with me, as did Austin.  It was a very difficult day, made easier by their presence.  Lots of remembering, laughter and tears.  It just seemed weird.  I think I will go away for a few days around our anniversary.  Jim and I always celebrated with just the two of us, either together all day or going away for a weekend retreat. I'm going to try that next year.

• Austin's 20th birthday--Jim had preordered Austin's birthday gift back in July (the newest Call of Duty) and had actually made me buy a birthday card he thought was perfect back in July too. Thank you, Lord for that gift!

• Thanksgiving.  The Gulley's favorite!  We totally twisted it up by heading to Maui to fulfill Jim's last wish.  It was a GREAT vacation!  We had fun, we remembered our family trip in 2005, did some of the same things.  Did new things like a helicopter tour (Jim would NEVER!).  There was sadness as we honored Jim, but also jubilation! Weird, right? God made that time last week perfect for us, thank You!  Both kids want to move to Maui and live there now.

Now it's December.  I toyed with a tree, no tree, decorate the mantel, don't, the wreath on the door or not? What is going to be less upsetting?  I discovered that nothing is "less" upsetting...any decision is wrapped in grief right now, and the tears can come at the darnedest time, triggered by memories or something silly or even while brushing your teeth....

• I did put the wreath up and lighted garland around the front door.
• I did put up a tree (not the huge, normal one). I found a 4' lighted tree and put it on a table, in the office and picked just a few special ornaments to put on it.
• I DID put our stockings up on the mantel, but I used different garland, and I positioned the stockings in an entirely different manner.  Jim, as head of the household was always first, then me, then the kids in birth order, then the dog's.  Jim's stocking is in the center of the mantel, w/a picture of him from last Christmas on the stocking holder.  I like to think that our stockings surrounding his stocking represents how this family now surrounds his memory with our love, and how we always, always will surround his memory with our love!
• My sister, Kim gave me a fabulous idea for Christmas, but I can't tell, as I need to talk w/the kids first, but I think it will be a great, new Christmas tradition.
• Elizabeth's 25th birthday is the 6th.  Austin and I drive down to Waco tomorrow to celebrate.  I bought her a beautiful plumeria pendant while we were in Maui for her birthday.  I always was "in charge" of her birthday gifts, Jim always left that to me to arrange.  I've got a bit of a surprise for her..it's silly, but she'll like it! And she thinks the pendant is also for Christmas, but I've got something else up my sleeve....
• Christmas, Jesus' birthday!  I'm taking this holiday a day at a time, not stressing.  My shopping is done! Things are wrapped, I'm waiting for a few items to be shipped.  It's sad, bittersweet  but at the same time, I'm "awe-struck" that Jim is actually celebrating with the BIRTHDAY BOY...Jesus!
• Austin will be rocking it out at FUMC on Christmas Day!  My mom (and hopefully Pops) will be here with us.  Elizabeth, too, but I imagine since she was off Thanksgiving she will have to work, but I'll pray for that!
• We will celebrate w/the Gulley's on the 26th in Belton.

I find my solace and my strength in my Faith, my Family and my Friends!  It seems that the right words, the right bible verse, that hug, that card or that phone call happens at the most perfect time!  We are promised eternity in heaven with all the saints that go before us and with our Lord and Savior.  While we remain on this earth, it is my hope, my prayer for everyone to live each day with no regrets!  Merry Christmas!

Frustrated & Lonely

Frustrated & Lonely

(warning--this blog is a rant, I was rather angry)

on Friday, October 28, 2011 at 10:49am

Frustrated:  the dictionary defines this word as "feeling or expressing distress & annoyance, especially because of an inability to charge or achieve something."

• The credit union where Jim has banked since he was 9, and I've been on the account for 29 years is a source of frustration.  This CU is in Belton/Killeen, so when I was down at mom's 3 weeks ago, I stopped by to see what I needed to do since Jim died.  I was told HIS assets would be frozen, they needed a death certificate.  Hmmmm, my name is on the account, there are NO survivor benefits, the $$$ is actually mine! It should not be this difficult!  **FYI: the Social Security office was so, so easy!**
• One of the life insurance companies received the death certificate, 6 days later I get a letter informing me the certificate was 'pending' they needed a completed one....if the processor had LOOKED at the ADDENDUM to the certificate, towards the bottom 1/2 of the document, they would have seen it.  I called: "oops, sorry, we will process this, but it will be tomorrow, our systems are down."  I realize this is "just a job" for these people, but for the survivors--it's an emotional, distressing time and these tasks, when there are road bumps--make it worse...
• The short term disability I am trying to get---probably won't happen, since I'm not 'so severely disabled' I can't function....I suppose if I said I was a danger to myself or others, I'd get it...I have an amazing boss and I'm certain she will work with me.  I truly just need this time to focus on grieving and reinventing myself--as one person, instead of the two I've always been.

WHERE is the practical "how to" or "what to expect" book for widows/widowers that guides a person through the practical aspects of the death of a husband/wife? I can only imagine what doing taxes and things like that are going to be like... Where's the compassion?  The sensitivity that people need to have when they are dealing with customers that have experienced a severe loss?

Lonely: the dictionary defines this word as "being without company, sad from being alone, producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation."

• This is the emotion/feeling I'm having the strongest right now.  I noticed it  week ago, and actually talked it through w/my therapist this week. And it's something I have to make room for in my body and experience, (I tend to hold my breath to keep the grief inside--lessen the tears) it's all part of that walk through the valley of grief---the goal is to get to the other side, for me it is the struggle of not having a set timeline--I do not know how long the emotions will be so strong, nor do I know when the emotion is going to double me over with grief, I am unable to control it at this point.
•  I can be in a crowd, with family or friends and I feel so overwhelmingly lonely.  We went to the Alliance Air Show on Saturday-- Austin, Christi and I and as we walked around and sat and watched the airshow I realized I don't have that "someone" anymore who gets my jokes, I can share my thoughts with, discuss what's happening, laugh with, hold hands, share private jokes, melt into...
• Watching the Ranger games--I have this warped sense of humor about some of the baseball players names (Pujols is my current favorite...)--I'll pronounce them wrong on purpose, or sing a little ditty. Jim always commented that it was 'so different' watching sports w/me, I always kept it interesting.  I miss that...
• I had a friend tell me how blessed I am that I have my kids, my family, my friends, my church(s).  I tried to tell him, yes, I'm blessed by those that love me but it's just not the same! And to be FRANK (Kim/Susan), I'd rather have my husband back!
• Jim's physical presence is what I miss most...his touch, his arms, his hugs, the kisses, his warmth, the way he had of just sharing a look..sometimes that just said so much. No one, no one knew me like he did--and I doubt anyone will ever again.

I have a note I've carried in my wallet for many years, I think he dropped it off while riding his bike when we lived in Alaska, while I was at work:  "I just wanted to leave you a note to say that I love you & be careful driving home, I'm thinking about you! I love you so much. Be careful Honey, see you when you get home.  Love you, Jim".
I was going through his wallet, shredding credit cards that no longer will be used.  I found a note I had written him and left in the car for him to see, I don't remember when I wrote it, but it was fairly recent: "When I see you, my heart jumps & I'm so full of love for you!  You are my Joy! Be Careful! Love you! Edie :)"  He carried that in his wallet along w/a Happy Valentine's day heart sticker...that note is now in my wallet.

The bible, when I searched for lonely brought up this verse: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5 (this was one of Elizabeth's verses when she was a toddler, so cute!)
I will trust in Him, and I am leaning on Him, but all of this hurts, and I don't like it, I don't like it at all--too bad a temper tantrum will not change anything because I believe I could conjure up a really good one right now!

Giving Thanks, Again...

Giving Thanks, Again...

on Wednesday, October 12, 2011 at 11:29pm ·

I threw myself at God's mercy on Monday. Thank you most Gracious God for answering my prayer! God is Good!

I had been told by the medical examiner's (ME) office immediately after Jim's death that it would be 4 to 6 weeks for the toxicology and histology to come back for a cause of death. The autopsy was inconclusive.

On Monday I called the ME office and let them know it had been almost 7 weeks, what is the hold-up? I spoke to a very empathic secretary who explained they actually had 90 days...I was given wrong information.

I put into practice my homework, to focus on what I DO know and the present.  Trying to push away the need to know, the concern over finances that all hinge on that death certificate.  I went down on my knees and fervently prayed that it would not be 90 days...I asked for God to intercede and bring closure to what happened inside of Jim's body that he had to die, it's been difficult...all this waiting.

Tonight, while texting w/my Aunt Edda, she shared some news that was incredible: my 90 year old Uncle was getting married!!!  My immediate thought was, oh, wait until I tell Jim!  Then I remembered, I can no longer do that.

It's become my habit to check the ME's public access website a few times each day, to see if the cause of death gets updated from pending.  So, after my memory lapse, and while Jim was so fresh on my mind, I checked one more time.  Keep in mind, this was during the Ranger Game, tied, top of the 10th inning. I never have looked at that site after 5pm...

Prayers answered--cause of death was no longer PENDING! I was stunned, I was not expecting to see an update!  Jim's cause of death: "small vessel cardiac disease"  I  phoned a friend, and asked what that was, it's so nice to know a Doctor!  He explained it's the tiny arteries around the heart, there was a blockage or lesion--and it caused a massive heart attack.  I took it one step further, googled, and discovered that this is a problem that cannot be found during a routine catheter lab visit, it's overall very difficult to diagnose---the cath lab looks at the heart and the large arteries, and only if symptoms persist, a Doctor "may" think to check the small vessels.  This disease is mainly found in women, and women w/diabetes.  There is no procedure that can fix it, it's all about not smoking, diet, exercise.  The symptoms are angina, tired, mentally tired.  Jim was very tired that night--it was the first day of school, 12 hour day....the tired he felt seemed like "normal" tired.

So, now we know and I feel relief.  Jim's  body did indeed break, and it broke in a way that there was no choice.  God was there and escorted Jim to heaven (He didn't "take him"), and I know God's heart was heavy for the pain He knew Jim's family would have to work through.