One Word...just one

The trip to Maui in 2001 that began Jim's love affair

 with 

Hawaiian shirts

A month or so ago I asked on Facebook if everyone would share one word that best described who Jim was to them.  I was overwhelmed with how many responses I received.  So, if you contributed to my little ask, thank you. And bless the ones that could not limit themselves to just one word...it was a difficult task.

I've used some of those words to make something special for my kids.  I try to do a little something for them each year.  In 2011 it was quilts made out of his t-shirts/hawaiian shirts, last year it was scrapbooks on Father's Day of all the things he saved they had made or given to him.  I realize it probably causes sadness, these gifts, but my hope is as time continues to pass, these tangible reminders will bring smiles and memories.

My favorite word: Edie's!  (Thanks, CB) He was indeed mine as I was his for 30 years.  As we mark the 2nd year without him, I realize this year has other milestones: Jim's 50th birthday, and our 30th wedding anniversary.  (So much for my plans for a "trash the dress" photo shoot)  Milestones I get to mark without him.

Words that were repeated, multiple times:  KIND, HONEST, COMMITTED,  DISCIPLE, FAMILY, FAITHFUL.  Jim was kind (my word for him); honest, so incredibly committed, whether it be to his family, to our God, to work. Disciple & Faithful:  I got to watch Jim's faith grow as we grew up together.  He lead youth groups, he was an Elder, he was on Church Boards, he was a Stephen Minister, he learned to play bass guitar because he wanted to play in a band with his boy and the new church plant, well, they needed a bass player.  He was the ONLY person that without fail attended set up at St. Peter every Saturday night and without complaint.  He LOVED doing setup!  
In his death, he still is a disciple: I want to ensure I'm living my life with No Regrets and because he died, my faith has grown in the most incredible, deep ways! I'm now a Stephen Minister, God works in amazing ways when tragedy strikes, opening up doors you've never considered, inspiring in ways you never imagined.
I believe it could be ironic & funny that as I was going through Stephen Ministry training, I realized that Jim would use a lot of the skills he learned in his training on ME!  He was good at making me realize that my feelings were mine as his feelings were his, and whether they were the same or not, they were our own and worthy of being acknowledged and respected.  See, I use to feel that my feelings needed to be his, too...mine were the only ones that counted!  I had quite a laugh during class when I realized this.

Other words to describe Jim: Comfort, Musical, Fun, Loved, Family, Honorable, Dependable, Loyal, Truthful, Gentle, Devoted, Loving, Smiling, Steadfast, Steady, Strong, Baseball, Happy, Music, Friendly, Gentle, Sweet, Funny, Beloved, Christian, Caring, Easy Going, Truth, Talented, Friend, Calm, Loving, Solid, Rocks! Humble, Joyous...Daddy (for Elizabeth) & Father (for Austin). Those last two words, the most important to him! Such incredible words to describe a man I have loved for well over half my life!

It's year two.  I'm throwing a party, inviting those I love to share in this day. I need to be surrounded by people who loved Jim and/or love my kids and me, celebrating a life that was too short here on earth, but one that will never be forgotten.  
So raise a glass tonight, wear your best Hawaiian shirt and toast the man who still makes me want to be a better person each and every day!  As you remember him, do something nice, loving, happy, sweet, funny, (use one of those words) for someone in memory of Jim.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da Life Goes On...

La-La-La-La, Life Goes On: I'm ready to have some fun and start dating!  I'm practicing my flirting skills.
I had my first date this past Saturday -- at a Starbucks.  I was incredibly nervous...and it showed.  I could not make eye contact for any length of time! He commented that I seemed nervous. {Duh}  I told him the truth:  the last time I dated a person I did not know, I was 16 years old....that was 32 years ago...I'm a bit out of practice!  He quickly put me at ease and we chatted for 2 hours.

Shout out to friends and one of my sister's that checked on me via text during this date.  We had a bit of a chuckle 30 minutes in to our date when I got a text from my sister--I confessed to him that I had told a few people about our date, where I was going and they wanted to check on me, and ensure I was safe & OK.

I checked the time on my phone, and my screen lock is a picture of Jim & I.  He asked if that was my "ex" then quickly corrected himself to say husband.  Can you say: AWKWARD!
I've got to figure out how to balance that kind of awkward...a lot of my conversation in the "getting to know each other category" was me saying: when we were in Florida; when we were in Alaska, when we moved to Tennessee, our kids... I think I could be putting too much pressure on myself, it is what it is. 
For me, we will always exist.  That we shaped me into the person I am today...Jim and I grew up together and 30 years is a long time!  He will always be my husband. I suppose if it really bothers a guy, then he's not a guy for me?   This dating thing, while I think it could be fun, is rather complicated! At the age of 48, there's history, there's baggage.  I think I need Ann Landers or Miss Manners to offer up some advice.

That night I lost sleep wondering if I said too much, said too little, asked about him enough and allowed him to talk enough. Oh, my!  Teenager angst, again! I chatted with my daughter, who told me, "Yes, I was being a girl and it was cute!"  I must have done OK, we've talked on the phone a few times since.

I am pleased that I didn't automatically make comparisons between Jim and him.  I kind of worried that may happen.  What a relief to me that it didn't!

Life does go on, and this girl just wants to have some fun, finally!  So, if you know someone...

The Man and Wine

I figured the title would catch your attention...did it work?

The Man...

I don't like being "The Man" of the house.

•      Killing bugs/spiders
•      Taking care of the house:
•           What is wrong with the HVAC downstairs
•           I have a garage door that won't automatically close
•           Why is the ceiling fan making a funny noise
•           Trimming trees
•           The fence between my neighbor and I, well it needs to be replaced
•      The car needs new tires
•      Parts of the cable for the surround sound (which is far from perfectly done) is falling down

The Wine...Should actually be WHINE.

•  I hate killing bugs & spiders, they scare me and creep me out
• Thank goodness, the Air Conditioner seems to be working
• I'm clueless about the garage door, it's probably simple
• I don't know why the fan is noisy
• Trees, yard work--ewwww
• Nor do I want to have to figure out this fence thing
• I have NEVER, EVER purchased tires!  That was Jim's job. He would research and get the best tire for the the money we had to spend
• I really don't like climbing up and down a 6' ladder to fix my bumbled attempt to re-install the surround sound cables

I can feel myself sliding into a funk...I'm  8 weeks from the 2nd anniversary of Jim's death and I feel it in my head, in my heart, in my body -- the anticipation of "that day".  The significance of "that day". The dread of "that day".  TWO years, two years, and did I say, T-W-O years!

I've needed to replace my tires for at least the last 3 months.  I keep putting it off.  As I think about why I keep putting it off (other than the cost) -- it's this overwhelming feeling that I don't want to do for myself what Jim always did for me.  He'd take the car, drop it off, make the purchase...I just picked him up and dropped him off, the waiting rooms at these places stink! 
It's another piece of the never ending stuff that is this life of mine without Jim.  I am constantly reminded he's not here, he's never going to be here.  It hurts.

It makes me tremendously sad, it makes me cry, it makes me grieve all over again.  Jim's not here.  Jim's not here. Jim's not here.  It's overwhelming & lonely to me, right here, right now, in this moment.  I don't like it, I don't like it at all.

Contentment leads to Making it Happen!

I recently went to Italy.  It was a week of amazing adventures: the sites, sounds & tastes of the Tuscany region!  I put myself out there as never before.  I traveled alone, met up with a group tour (of 9) and had such a great time!  I believe Ireland is on my agenda for 2014 with two gals from Atlanta.

 Upon my return home, the unpacking, laundry, recreating amazing Italian food & enjoying my front porch & all things home, I realized how content I was feeling.  It was Tuesday, April 30.  I was standing in my living room and remember saying out loud, "I am so content right now, Thank you, Lord!"  An epiphany moment for me!


That contentment remains not only in my personal life, but my professional life as well.  Three weeks ago, on Monday, May 20, Moore, Oklahoma was devastated by a EF5 tornado.  AT&T went into disaster recovery mode.  The Business Continuity Manager normally handles this. Unfortunately, that position is open.  I volunteered to go, to be the project manager for AT&T's disaster recovery.  25 hours later I was in OKC plugged in and managing all the many parts and pieces of ensuring that everyone impacted by the devastation could remain connected with their friends & family and take care of business.






A few things to consider here:

1. I've never project managed anything like this before.
2. For the last 22 months, I've been about 80 to 90% "on my game" at work.  It's been difficult to find my way back to the employee who gave over 100% each and every day prior to Jim's death. I do my job and I'm good at it, but I haven't done anymore than necessary for such a long time.
3.  I did not consider my own safety when I went to OKC...sorry kids.  I just knew I had the skills necessary to "make it happen". My boss needed help & I volunteered!

I cannot begin to share all the experiences I had while in OKC for 2 1/2 weeks!
I was in a conference room with a small group of people (which dwindled down to just me quickly). I was on the phone and on email constantly--coordinating, making it happen!
There were not enough hours in the day that first week!

My boss sent me an email with these words: "Whatever it takes...Make it Happen!"  I quickly wrote that on large chart paper and put it up on the wall.  I lived by that mantra every moment!
I added another:  Tactical & Assertive (T&A, if you will).  It was extremely important as I worked all the pieces of the recovery I was tactical and assertive when necessary to ensure that what needed to happen, happened.

I helped coordinate the network efforts, we lost one cell site to the tornado--so COWs and COLTs were quickly brought in (Cell on Wheels/Cell on Light Truck); generators; 11 charging stations were dispersed in the Moore area, including the Little Axe area that was hit by tornadoes on 5/19.
We brought in landlines and high speed internet to the shelters, the internet cafes and the Multi-Agency Relief Centers.
The mobile store was brought in, inventory was brought in and set up at the Moore Community Center.  Volunteers from Retail were coordinated to work the mobile store, work in our two stores directly impacted by the tornadoes (Moore & Shawnee).  We had volunteers at our charging stations -- located at Walmart, Best Buy, Red Cross Shelters, MARCs (Multi-Agency Relief Centers).  We worked to unload/load supplies, unpack & organize clothes, toys, groceries, served meals, provide phones, micro-cells & mifi's to local agencies, relief centers, churches to keep the workers connected.  We transported residents from the shelters to the MARCs or to do their laundry.
We went out into the devastated neighborhoods to offer charging of cell phones on the go, to help dig out and clean up.  We "adopted" Mr. Bob Cannaday and worked to help him clean up his 5 acres everyday!
I seem to have a knack for flirting with much older men, as in over 70 and men that were quite tipsy...(that's an adventure all in itself....)
I enjoy working with the "young-uns" (kids the ages of my kids). So much energy and an attitude of whatever you need, I'll do it!
I met some amazing construction guys from McKinney, TX, St. Louis & OKC who were awesome to work with! They were my "go to" guys moving around the charging stations, signs, generators, etc.
The team from St. Louis, even called and checked on me more than once.
I realized that the relationships you build while in crisis mode are intense & emotional.
I met a marine, Bryan West, home from Afghanistan, on leave who was in Moore helping before he headed back overseas, he worked without ceasing for 2 1/2 days.  There was an emotional flag ceremony I got to witness.
I met two guys from Wisconsin--who were on vacation and helping.  They helped Mr. Cannaday along with two blokes from Louisiana & our team. Angels, from Wisconsin!! THAT is an amazing story!

I met a young call center gal, Angela, new to AT&T.  I learned alot about her, her kids, her dogs & boyfriend as we rode out round two of tornadoes in Moore on May 31.  The closest I've ever been to a tornado--I felt the air pressure drop, there was damage to the Community Center roof, our Penske truck ended up on it's side and the Verizon mobile store rolled twice. Our mobile store & "ice cream" truck were fine...we remembered to set the parking brake!

I got to hold a precious 3-month old girl, Lily and chat with her momma while she charged her phone (they had been without electricity for over a week).

I got to "rock a hairnet" and serve food at the shelter.  That's not a job I'm very good at...ask me to run a multi-million dollar company and I'm in...ask me to serve food and I'm totally out of my element, not one of my talents!

So, now I'm back home, back to my normal job.  It's weird.  I'm so grateful and feel so blessed to be home, to be back to normal.
Matter-of-fact, when I got home Thursday evening, I sat on my porch for almost 2 hours (never going into my house) enjoying Chick-Fil-A and just being home, on my porch, listening to the birds, admiring the green grass, the leafy trees, the beautiful homes.  Soaking in "normal". After seeing so much devastation mile after mile...how blessed am I to be able to return to such beauty!

So yes, I'm content & I have discovered what I think I really want to do in my life, ultimately, help people and manage disaster relief...I totally rocked it, a nice surprise along this journey of Discovery....don't you think!

Sleepy & Weepy

I am sleepy.  I have spent this entire day weepy.  I'm tired.

The lack of sleep comes from a few things:  I did not take my handy dandy prescription for sleep (trying not to rely on it every night).  The explosion in West happened last night.  My daughter is a dispatcher for Waco PD, she was dispatching & handling 911 calls -- she (and her co-workers) were many, many people's lifeline in the late hours of yesterday and into the wee hours of this morning. Handling life & death situations, one right after another.  I was fervently praying for her, for the first responders, for the victims.
I felt much better after I talked with her this morning--I'm one proud Momma, she has a tough job, sometimes thankless, but she was a hero last night.
It was after 1am this morning when sleep finally came, then the storm blew in, so I was awake again at 3am.         Have I already said, "I'm tired?"

I got up and did what anyone else would do, shower & bake.  I had many errands today and the first one, at 7:15am (on my first day of VACATION) was an oil change & tire rotation.  I always bring breakfast for those wonderful guys at Alliance Auto--that shop is so good to me!

Here comes the weepy part.
I got the Mustang's vehicle registration renewal in the mail a few weeks ago.  It's due in May.  It has Jim's name on it.  My heart always does this weird leap when I see his name, especially on mail.  I hate it, it upsets me.  My solution is to get the car in my name only.  Today was my day to do this.
I was helped by a very nice lady named, Misti.  She told me that the title says James E OR Edith N, I didn't have to change it.
My head was screaming, "YES I DO!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, IT HURTS MY HEART WHEN I SEE HIS NAME ON MAIL!!" Mission accomplished.

On to more errands. I stopped at probably 6 other places, picking up odds and ends getting ready for my trip...I leave Saturday for Italy, lots to do.

Thank you Wendi, for interrupting my day with a lunch date!  I wasn't very hungry, but the company was great as was the carrot cake! No weepy-ness at all!  I also got to chat w/my mom and sisters today.  I love them so!

I stopped at Kroger--things to buy.  My Angel, Bennie, from Fred Meyer Jeweler's, was working.  (I blogged about in November 2011) I'm so glad she was there!  I needed a hug so very bad from someone "who gets it".  She held me tight for a few minutes, whispered to me that God's got this until I could stop my tears. We moved on to catching up, chit-chat and I felt better after I left her.

Tonight, I had Praise Moves, it's christian based yoga--the music is christian, the moves have amazing names: Mt. Zion, The Dove, The Cross, The Shawl and each move has a bible verse.  At the end of the session, it's quiet, relaxation & reflection time.  As the leader reads a devotion & prays, I'm laying on my mat, quiet, relaxed, listening. I was asking myself why, oh why is today so weepy for me, as tears roll down my face once again.
As I let the words I was hearing wash over me I realized that changing the car into my name only makes me feel like it's one more way Jim is being erased from ever existing.  Oh, I know he's in my memories, my heart, my head & I see him in my kids -- but his existence, in all things worldly, is disappearing, disappearing and one day, poof,  gone. So, that thought hit me hard.  BINGO: weeping!

I want so much at this very moment to be held, hugged and to be told that it's going to be alright, I'm strong but it's OK to cry, it's OK to be sad, there's not expiration date on grief.
I want to be held by Jim.
As time slips by, I still get so caught off guard by that rogue wave of grief and it just knocks me flat on my ass!

My prayer for me tonight (because I really need comfort) is for a restful sleep, for the memories of my husband to surround my heart and my mind. That the Lord wrap his loving arms around me, holds me tight & gives me the comfort I so desperately need!
I also pray for safe travels as I embark on an amazing trip.  Lord, open my eyes on this trip, let me see You as I travel make new friends, have new experiences and make new memories.

Amen

Is It Time....Move Forward

Is it time?

• to replace the carpet (did that)
• to get the oil changed
• to pay the bills
• to replace the filters in the HVAC (bought them)
• to  have new adventures (in progress)
• for Ranger baseball (it's time!)
• to re-grout the kitchen counter (evidently, it is...a professional told me so)
• to make that sun room/sitting room into my own personal, private space
• to buy groceries (I don't really cook, so no)
• to "move on with my life"....

That last one, is the kicker for me.  I read another Widow's comment about how she's being told "it's time to move on" and she isn't ready... That kind of pressure and expectation is
unrealistic for even the strongest willed person much less a person that is broken, grieving & temporarily lost.

Here's the deal.  In my head, I decided that good would come out of Jim's death. Whether it's me being open with discussing my journey of grief, discussing Jim's death, all the details NO ONE and I mean NO ONE ever wants to talk about or me providing support to others experiencing grief.
I'm determined to focus on being that person that is never afraid to talk about death and the details and share what my faith has done for me.

So today, my heart is telling me to offer up some of my thoughts about "moving on" and the timeline everyone seems to have in their head for grieving.

• I'm not going to "move on"...accept it
• The person I was before Jim died, well, she died too, the moment Jim did. (Only in the aftermath did I realize this)
• There is no timeline to grief...a loss of a loved one is a sadness that will be a part of that person forever, until the day they die and join those that have gone before.
• One of the very worst things you can tell a widow/er or anyone who's suffered a loss (like my kids) is that it's time to move on (or compare my loss to your divorce...that's for another blog)

Instead of focusing on a "grief is over timeline" just be there, be supportive, listen and when asked, offer up your thoughts!  Encourage moving forward!

• Today, a co-worker came up, hugged me and told me I looked amazing and that she had wanted to say something to me for awhile but didn't have the chance until now.
• I almost cried as I hugged her back--I am beginning to feel an amazing confidence that hasn't been there before, and she validated that for me!
•  And, while I'm not moving on, I am moving forward -- this is my year of discovery: the widda fog has lifted. 
• As I move forward I'm figuring out who I am, what do I like/dislike, who I want to hang with, what things I want to do, where I want to go, etc.  I have this amazing opportunity to re-invent myself and I'm gonna!

 My journey continues...

Discovery

The new year has started with quite the "bang" for me!  I attended a women's retreat, where the focus was on Heart Space.  One the amazing parts was choosing my WORD for the year 2013.  I love the idea of a word, kind of a compass for the year, a guide to bump up against as I make decisions.  Much better than a resolution.  Can you guess my word by reading this?

• I never have been on a women's retreat -- I loved it, want to go again next year
• It's weird and odd to be living by myself, but I'm OK with it
• I'm rearranging the house, again, the way I want it. I'm replacing furniture, carpet, changing up rooms, being selective about what I put on the walls
• I've discovered the most amazing metal artist who custom designed a guitar and ukelele holder so I can display Jim's guitars on the walls, which makes me smile when I see them.  I remember his love for music & playing (Iron Chinchilla check out his website or Facebook)
• I'm so in love with Patrick's work, I bought 3 nesting tables in the brightest turquoise & blue and now I'm redecorating my sitting room (my heart space) around these colors! Goodbye gold and burgundy, gold couch, big coffee table & end table!
• Work has sent me to Arkansas, San Antonio and next week, Atlanta--new places, new faces
• New forever friends: a trip to meet people I only knew from an online widda support group! A weekend in VEGAS!!

• I played the slots, won enough money to pay for my trip
• I laughed, I cried and re-discovered the absolute total JOY of having fun!

• I participated in a bible study on grief (Beyond the Broken Heart) and am so blessed to have these new friends in my life, we shared our deepest grief, our questions, our faith and on that last night, we shared the memories of our loved one through stories & pictures --- there was JOY in that room!
• Praise Moves -- christian based yoga....love it!
• I have  new confidence in myself:  I will tell my story in my words, my way.  I had been using words I don't like that are kinder/gentler to others and then apologizing for others reactions to my being widowed--as I tell my story.  I would feel bad for upsetting them.  I realize that I'm not responsible for their reaction. So goodbye "passed & lost" hello "he died, he's deceased"
• I've reached out to new widows, family members, whose spouses have died (both unexpectedly) and those are the hardest calls...ever! I know the journey ahead for them (I've gotten a head start on them), I know that not only did they lose the one they loved most, but they have also lost who they were before that death, because that person ceases to exist and a new person has to be discovered...so the rebuilding begins amongst the muck & ick of grief
• The Vegas trip, along w/my Turks & Caicos trip has shown me that yes, I can travel by myself and it's OK. This will be put to the test in April, I'm off the Italy for 9 days (traveling there alone, but it's a group tour once I'm there--Hello Tuscany). I'm excited about the new people I will meet, the places...the photographer inside me is SCREAMING let's go NOW!
• Got my CHL certification & am waiting on my license to arrive; I'm also a gun owner I have a Glock 17 Gen 4; I took a private handgun lesson, and practice session.  I'll continue to practice so I'm comfortable handling the gun.  But I LIKE shooting the gun, I'm kind of good at it and it's just FUN! (The old me, before Jim's death, was very anti-gun...NOT IN MY HOUSE)
• I'm training to be a Stephen Minister -- which is a trained lay person who can give Christian/Christ centered care to someone hurting due to divorce, death, lay off, etc. It's listening & helping people through their hard times keeping them focused on faith

My word for this year is DISCOVERY  

And once I figure out how to get out, I'm going to discover more!