Over the last few weeks, I've been pondering in my head the fact that almost each and every thought I have makes me think of Jim.Sometimes, it's a welcome thing...memories surface that make me smile.
Sometimes, it's not very welcome...it makes me sad, makes me angry, the tears overflow and the grief takes over.
I begin to wonder if I'm crazy and realize that grief is a weird journey...it's a solitary thing. Certainly, many experience grief, but the journey, is different for everyone, even as you grieve the same person. Here are some of my recent thoughts w/how they lead to Jim in italics.
- Putting up the Christmas decorations, I actually climbed a ladder and put lights up outside (ok, it was a just a 6 ft ladder, and only on the front of the house). Jim would have been impressed, he would of laughed with me, as I failed to realize you should start hanging lights at the power source...not the opposite end, where you discover, too late, you are 4 ft short reaching the outlet. So, it took twice the time it would have...I had to redo it all!
- Jim's sister has met a wonderful man...Jim would really like this guy and be so very happy for her!
- My trip to Turks & Caicos: Jim would have LOVED the beach. He would have hated the food. He would have LOVED the small, intimate hotel. He would have gotten sea sick on the boat excursion. He would have sat on the beach while I snorkeled. We would have celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary, just the two of us.
- Austin is moving out, on his own. I should NOT be a widow AND an empty nester...Jim should be here. What FUN we had that fall in 2010 when we had 4 month's "practice" of having an empty nest. A preview of what life after kids would be. I'm grateful for that time, as it ended up being the ONLY time to experience this "after kids" life. Jim would be so proud of his son!
- Elizabeth & Dwayne bought their first house, and it's wonderful to see how well they are doing! They've been married almost 5 years. Jim would be so very proud, add to it that Elizabeth really likes her job, double proud!
- Getting stopped by a train. I always text or called Jim complaining about the darn train!
- Christmas memories: Christmas Eve services, late at POP, sleepy kids, Silent Night by candlelight, in German, the Church bell ringing in Christmas morning. Purdy, Elizabeth's first puppy, being delivered Christmas morning. Drums for Austin. Concert tickets, so our kids could say their first concert was KISS and their parents took them! The one time we got a "real" tree, because I wanted the kids to experience a real tree. Staying up late on Christmas Eve, putting together toys, cuddling on the couch, music on softly, just enjoying the moment & gazing at our tree.
- The kid's and I celebrate Christmas together Saturday. Jim should be here--he hands out the gifts, that's his job. I remember that last Christmas, look at the pictures and my heart breaks. We miss him so much that ache just never goes away.
- The front yard is a mess! Jim would have never allowed the yard to look so bad, he took such pride in a beautiful yard. I'm doing the best I can--that's just not my specialty.
- Joining a new church. Jim would have asked lots of questions to understand the beliefs during the new member class.
- Driving to and from work -- it's a 38 mile commute for me and my thoughts wander to Jim every day. Today, it was that I miss his touch...that hug, the look, the ability to "melt" into him, hold his hand, kiss him, sit beside him, our thighs touching, snuggling up to his back early in the morning we were weren't quite awake. I miss sharing my day with my love. Hugs from family & friends, while appreciated, and please don't stop giving them, just aren't the same...I have a physical reaction to missing him like this, it's actually painful, my chest hurts, and you know how when you eat that sugary icky icing, your mouth feels all weird--that exact feeling goes all the way through my body.
- We pick up the tradition of celebrating Mom's birthday and her & John's anniversary on New Year's Eve (I couldn't do it last year). It's different this year, no Stagecoach Inn...it's Inn on the Creek. I remember the many years of this tradition -- Jim always got chicken fried steak and he loved their hushpuppies. He would not like the menu at the Inn....it involves shellfish.
- I was in the Church's Christmas Musical! I don't know if I would have done it, had he been here, but I did it...I even sang (no microphone). Adam told me the Jim would have been so proud of me. That thought, made me smile and cry.
- I think about the future, just a little. I'm still learning to live in the moment, in the present. I always wonder what Jim would want me to do when I need to make decisions.
I currently feel lost. I get comments that I seem to be doing so well. I heard today, from my team, that they were so glad that I seemed to be enjoying the Christmas season this year. I confessed to them that I don't really remember a whole lot about last Christmas. I know I "went through the motions". And yes, it's different this year -- I've got the Christmas music playing, I didn't do that last year. Little steps towards my new normal.
By all outward appearances, I'm doing fine. That's because when you see me, I'm busy, I'm focused on what I'm doing, what needs to be done. It's those quiet times that are the worst. When my mind wanders, my thoughts lead to Jim and it overwhelms me. So I pray, I try to keep busy and yes, at times, I throw myself down, ask for mercy and let the tears and sobs overtake me. I surrender to it, knowing that God has me in His loving arms, comforting me and hurting with me.
To end on a positive note, time does ease the pain. Memories bring more smiles than tears. I remain ever so humbled that God chose Jim for me. I'm a better person because of him, I continue to focus on being the kind of person he was living a life with NO REGRETS because he truly was, my better half!
