Is It Time....Move Forward

Is it time?

• to replace the carpet (did that)
• to get the oil changed
• to pay the bills
• to replace the filters in the HVAC (bought them)
• to  have new adventures (in progress)
• for Ranger baseball (it's time!)
• to re-grout the kitchen counter (evidently, it is...a professional told me so)
• to make that sun room/sitting room into my own personal, private space
• to buy groceries (I don't really cook, so no)
• to "move on with my life"....

That last one, is the kicker for me.  I read another Widow's comment about how she's being told "it's time to move on" and she isn't ready... That kind of pressure and expectation is
unrealistic for even the strongest willed person much less a person that is broken, grieving & temporarily lost.

Here's the deal.  In my head, I decided that good would come out of Jim's death. Whether it's me being open with discussing my journey of grief, discussing Jim's death, all the details NO ONE and I mean NO ONE ever wants to talk about or me providing support to others experiencing grief.
I'm determined to focus on being that person that is never afraid to talk about death and the details and share what my faith has done for me.

So today, my heart is telling me to offer up some of my thoughts about "moving on" and the timeline everyone seems to have in their head for grieving.

• I'm not going to "move on"...accept it
• The person I was before Jim died, well, she died too, the moment Jim did. (Only in the aftermath did I realize this)
• There is no timeline to grief...a loss of a loved one is a sadness that will be a part of that person forever, until the day they die and join those that have gone before.
• One of the very worst things you can tell a widow/er or anyone who's suffered a loss (like my kids) is that it's time to move on (or compare my loss to your divorce...that's for another blog)

Instead of focusing on a "grief is over timeline" just be there, be supportive, listen and when asked, offer up your thoughts!  Encourage moving forward!

• Today, a co-worker came up, hugged me and told me I looked amazing and that she had wanted to say something to me for awhile but didn't have the chance until now.
• I almost cried as I hugged her back--I am beginning to feel an amazing confidence that hasn't been there before, and she validated that for me!
•  And, while I'm not moving on, I am moving forward -- this is my year of discovery: the widda fog has lifted. 
• As I move forward I'm figuring out who I am, what do I like/dislike, who I want to hang with, what things I want to do, where I want to go, etc.  I have this amazing opportunity to re-invent myself and I'm gonna!

 My journey continues...

Discovery

The new year has started with quite the "bang" for me!  I attended a women's retreat, where the focus was on Heart Space.  One the amazing parts was choosing my WORD for the year 2013.  I love the idea of a word, kind of a compass for the year, a guide to bump up against as I make decisions.  Much better than a resolution.  Can you guess my word by reading this?

• I never have been on a women's retreat -- I loved it, want to go again next year
• It's weird and odd to be living by myself, but I'm OK with it
• I'm rearranging the house, again, the way I want it. I'm replacing furniture, carpet, changing up rooms, being selective about what I put on the walls
• I've discovered the most amazing metal artist who custom designed a guitar and ukelele holder so I can display Jim's guitars on the walls, which makes me smile when I see them.  I remember his love for music & playing (Iron Chinchilla check out his website or Facebook)
• I'm so in love with Patrick's work, I bought 3 nesting tables in the brightest turquoise & blue and now I'm redecorating my sitting room (my heart space) around these colors! Goodbye gold and burgundy, gold couch, big coffee table & end table!
• Work has sent me to Arkansas, San Antonio and next week, Atlanta--new places, new faces
• New forever friends: a trip to meet people I only knew from an online widda support group! A weekend in VEGAS!!

• I played the slots, won enough money to pay for my trip
• I laughed, I cried and re-discovered the absolute total JOY of having fun!

• I participated in a bible study on grief (Beyond the Broken Heart) and am so blessed to have these new friends in my life, we shared our deepest grief, our questions, our faith and on that last night, we shared the memories of our loved one through stories & pictures --- there was JOY in that room!
• Praise Moves -- christian based yoga....love it!
• I have  new confidence in myself:  I will tell my story in my words, my way.  I had been using words I don't like that are kinder/gentler to others and then apologizing for others reactions to my being widowed--as I tell my story.  I would feel bad for upsetting them.  I realize that I'm not responsible for their reaction. So goodbye "passed & lost" hello "he died, he's deceased"
• I've reached out to new widows, family members, whose spouses have died (both unexpectedly) and those are the hardest calls...ever! I know the journey ahead for them (I've gotten a head start on them), I know that not only did they lose the one they loved most, but they have also lost who they were before that death, because that person ceases to exist and a new person has to be discovered...so the rebuilding begins amongst the muck & ick of grief
• The Vegas trip, along w/my Turks & Caicos trip has shown me that yes, I can travel by myself and it's OK. This will be put to the test in April, I'm off the Italy for 9 days (traveling there alone, but it's a group tour once I'm there--Hello Tuscany). I'm excited about the new people I will meet, the places...the photographer inside me is SCREAMING let's go NOW!
• Got my CHL certification & am waiting on my license to arrive; I'm also a gun owner I have a Glock 17 Gen 4; I took a private handgun lesson, and practice session.  I'll continue to practice so I'm comfortable handling the gun.  But I LIKE shooting the gun, I'm kind of good at it and it's just FUN! (The old me, before Jim's death, was very anti-gun...NOT IN MY HOUSE)
• I'm training to be a Stephen Minister -- which is a trained lay person who can give Christian/Christ centered care to someone hurting due to divorce, death, lay off, etc. It's listening & helping people through their hard times keeping them focused on faith

My word for this year is DISCOVERY  

And once I figure out how to get out, I'm going to discover more!