One Word...just one

The trip to Maui in 2001 that began Jim's love affair

 with 

Hawaiian shirts

A month or so ago I asked on Facebook if everyone would share one word that best described who Jim was to them.  I was overwhelmed with how many responses I received.  So, if you contributed to my little ask, thank you. And bless the ones that could not limit themselves to just one word...it was a difficult task.

I've used some of those words to make something special for my kids.  I try to do a little something for them each year.  In 2011 it was quilts made out of his t-shirts/hawaiian shirts, last year it was scrapbooks on Father's Day of all the things he saved they had made or given to him.  I realize it probably causes sadness, these gifts, but my hope is as time continues to pass, these tangible reminders will bring smiles and memories.

My favorite word: Edie's!  (Thanks, CB) He was indeed mine as I was his for 30 years.  As we mark the 2nd year without him, I realize this year has other milestones: Jim's 50th birthday, and our 30th wedding anniversary.  (So much for my plans for a "trash the dress" photo shoot)  Milestones I get to mark without him.

Words that were repeated, multiple times:  KIND, HONEST, COMMITTED,  DISCIPLE, FAMILY, FAITHFUL.  Jim was kind (my word for him); honest, so incredibly committed, whether it be to his family, to our God, to work. Disciple & Faithful:  I got to watch Jim's faith grow as we grew up together.  He lead youth groups, he was an Elder, he was on Church Boards, he was a Stephen Minister, he learned to play bass guitar because he wanted to play in a band with his boy and the new church plant, well, they needed a bass player.  He was the ONLY person that without fail attended set up at St. Peter every Saturday night and without complaint.  He LOVED doing setup!  
In his death, he still is a disciple: I want to ensure I'm living my life with No Regrets and because he died, my faith has grown in the most incredible, deep ways! I'm now a Stephen Minister, God works in amazing ways when tragedy strikes, opening up doors you've never considered, inspiring in ways you never imagined.
I believe it could be ironic & funny that as I was going through Stephen Ministry training, I realized that Jim would use a lot of the skills he learned in his training on ME!  He was good at making me realize that my feelings were mine as his feelings were his, and whether they were the same or not, they were our own and worthy of being acknowledged and respected.  See, I use to feel that my feelings needed to be his, too...mine were the only ones that counted!  I had quite a laugh during class when I realized this.

Other words to describe Jim: Comfort, Musical, Fun, Loved, Family, Honorable, Dependable, Loyal, Truthful, Gentle, Devoted, Loving, Smiling, Steadfast, Steady, Strong, Baseball, Happy, Music, Friendly, Gentle, Sweet, Funny, Beloved, Christian, Caring, Easy Going, Truth, Talented, Friend, Calm, Loving, Solid, Rocks! Humble, Joyous...Daddy (for Elizabeth) & Father (for Austin). Those last two words, the most important to him! Such incredible words to describe a man I have loved for well over half my life!

It's year two.  I'm throwing a party, inviting those I love to share in this day. I need to be surrounded by people who loved Jim and/or love my kids and me, celebrating a life that was too short here on earth, but one that will never be forgotten.  
So raise a glass tonight, wear your best Hawaiian shirt and toast the man who still makes me want to be a better person each and every day!  As you remember him, do something nice, loving, happy, sweet, funny, (use one of those words) for someone in memory of Jim.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da Life Goes On...

La-La-La-La, Life Goes On: I'm ready to have some fun and start dating!  I'm practicing my flirting skills.
I had my first date this past Saturday -- at a Starbucks.  I was incredibly nervous...and it showed.  I could not make eye contact for any length of time! He commented that I seemed nervous. {Duh}  I told him the truth:  the last time I dated a person I did not know, I was 16 years old....that was 32 years ago...I'm a bit out of practice!  He quickly put me at ease and we chatted for 2 hours.

Shout out to friends and one of my sister's that checked on me via text during this date.  We had a bit of a chuckle 30 minutes in to our date when I got a text from my sister--I confessed to him that I had told a few people about our date, where I was going and they wanted to check on me, and ensure I was safe & OK.

I checked the time on my phone, and my screen lock is a picture of Jim & I.  He asked if that was my "ex" then quickly corrected himself to say husband.  Can you say: AWKWARD!
I've got to figure out how to balance that kind of awkward...a lot of my conversation in the "getting to know each other category" was me saying: when we were in Florida; when we were in Alaska, when we moved to Tennessee, our kids... I think I could be putting too much pressure on myself, it is what it is. 
For me, we will always exist.  That we shaped me into the person I am today...Jim and I grew up together and 30 years is a long time!  He will always be my husband. I suppose if it really bothers a guy, then he's not a guy for me?   This dating thing, while I think it could be fun, is rather complicated! At the age of 48, there's history, there's baggage.  I think I need Ann Landers or Miss Manners to offer up some advice.

That night I lost sleep wondering if I said too much, said too little, asked about him enough and allowed him to talk enough. Oh, my!  Teenager angst, again! I chatted with my daughter, who told me, "Yes, I was being a girl and it was cute!"  I must have done OK, we've talked on the phone a few times since.

I am pleased that I didn't automatically make comparisons between Jim and him.  I kind of worried that may happen.  What a relief to me that it didn't!

Life does go on, and this girl just wants to have some fun, finally!  So, if you know someone...