My Journey

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Giving Thanks, Again...

on Wednesday, October 12, 2011 at 11:29pm ·

I threw myself at God's mercy on Monday. Thank you most Gracious God for answering my prayer! God is Good!

I had been told by the medical examiner's (ME) office immediately after Jim's death that it would be 4 to 6 weeks for the toxicology and histology to come back for a cause of death. The autopsy was inconclusive.

On Monday I called the ME office and let them know it had been almost 7 weeks, what is the hold-up? I spoke to a very empathic secretary who explained they actually had 90 days...I was given wrong information.

I put into practice my homework, to focus on what I DO know and the present. Trying to push away the need to know, the concern over finances that all hinge on that death certificate. I went down on my knees and fervently prayed that it would not be 90 days...I asked for God to intercede and bring closure to what happened inside of Jim's body that he had to die, it's been difficult...all this waiting.

Tonight, while texting w/my Aunt Edda, she shared some news that was incredible: my 90 year old Uncle was getting married!!! My immediate thought was, oh, wait until I tell Jim! Then I remembered, I can no longer do that.

It's become my habit to check the ME's public access website a few times each day, to see if the cause of death gets updated from pending. So, after my memory lapse, and while Jim was so fresh on my mind, I checked one more time. Keep in mind, this was during the Ranger Game, tied, top of the 10th inning. I never have looked at that site after 5pm...

Prayers answered--cause of death was no longer PENDING! I was stunned, I was not expecting to see an update! Jim's cause of death: "small vessel cardiac disease" I phoned a friend, and asked what that was, it's so nice to know a Doctor! He explained it's the tiny arteries around the heart, there was a blockage or lesion--and it caused a massive heart attack. I took it one step further, googled, and discovered that this is a problem that cannot be found during a routine catheter lab visit, it's overall very difficult to diagnose---the cath lab looks at the heart and the large arteries, and only if symptoms persist, a Doctor "may" think to check the small vessels. This disease is mainly found in women, and women w/diabetes. There is no procedure that can fix it, it's all about not smoking, diet, exercise. The symptoms are angina, tired, mentally tired. Jim was very tired that night--it was the first day of school, 12 hour day....the tired he felt seemed like "normal" tired.

So, now we know and I feel relief. Jim's body did indeed break, and it broke in a way that there was no choice. God was there and escorted Jim to heaven (He didn't "take him"), and I know God's heart was heavy for the pain He knew Jim's family would have to work through.

In everything give thanks...

on Tuesday, October 11, 2011 at 9:08pm ·

In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. --1 Thessalonians 5:18
These are words I received today as part of a devotion a friend sent me. The devotion goes on and points out that that the passage says, "IN everything" not "FOR everything" be thankful.The art of successful living is to seek out thankfulness in all of life's events--to see meaning in every challenge and trust that God will work every adversity to our ultimate good.
This friend also sent me a devotion w/the wise words: But I trust in You, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in Your hands. --Psalm 31:14-15 This devotion speaks to why some people are healed, some are not, how His time is beyond our understanding.
Another verse that is helpful: Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you -- 1 Peter 5:7
These have been eye opening verses for me over the past 7 weeks. (I'm still counting....)
I'm seeing a therapist in addition to my Stephen Minister. She has given me homework, as I stand on the edge of the unknown:

Predict less (which is code for stop anticipating what will be and how I will feel in the future)
Be curious and wonder
Focus more on the present and what I do know

Interesting exercise -- as I'm a planner, I research, think it through, develop a plan then work the plan, and it usually includes anticipation of the future. I've discovered words like can't, won't, I'm stuck, cause me to feel anxious. I am learning to pay attention to my body's response to my words. When I use words like I need or I want or I feel--the anxiety goes away.
I put "predict less" to the test this weekend. I needed my Momma, I needed to be spoiled and cared for as only a mom can do. So I went home this past weekend. Started wondering about going to church on Sunday, and it's not just any church, it's the HOME church. Where Jim grew up, I was confirmed, we were married there, our kids baptized there, Elizabeth confirmed there and we were, for many years, extremely active w/the youth group. I began to predict how hard it would be....I decided to STOP that, and if I felt like going on Sunday, I would--anxiety averted!
I went, and while there were a few moments of sadness and a few tears, it was good! So good! I got hugs and words of encouragement and comfort from a "family" that's known me for most my life!
I also received a book: "Getting to the Other Side of Grief" from my Stephen Minister. She didn't expect me to read it right away--but I'm an avid reader--had to get it started. Here's a few things that were a-ha moments for me:

Grieving is a journey through a frightening land in order for you to discover a new life with some exciting possibilities on the other side of grief. Hang on to that thought!
Don't avoid the pain -- attack it. Don't endure the grief--manage it. (I like that one!)
Allow for the possibility that you will be happy again. God is gracious.
Does faith help in the grieving process? Yes and No. Faith will not insulate you from the pain of grief. It will not prevent the feelings of anger, regret or loneliness. Faith in Christ, however, will give you two essential things: strength to endure and hope.

Such great words from my friend, my therapist, the book from my Stephen Minister. This is a journey, it is a process, and the time frame is unknown to me.
What I do know:

I have the most amazing family & friends, providing me w/support, encouragement, laughter, love and their time.
I need to take the time to focus on this journey,on myself, so I can continue to support my kids as they grieve, and move through this valley grief--no one is ever mean't to stay in the valley--we are to walk through it.
I need to be the care receiver---that's always been uncomfortable to me. I'd rather take care of everyone else.
It's OK to say what I need, and for that need to be mine and mine alone.
The logistics of what's happened, the "stuff" I'm having to deal with (the house, finances, insurance, etc) can be somewhat overwhelming--I find that I have to constantly remind myself to focus on the now, and what I can control (which isn't much), the rest just doesn't matter and should not matter until it has to be dealt with -- no projecting!

I had a friend ask me, "So, Edie, what's it really like?" Thank you, for asking! I wasn't certain if he wanted an honest answer, but you can ask my kids --- they ask me anything, and I'm going to tell them the truth, and the truth is sometimes too much information...
My answer: it's sad, it's lonely, especially at night. I no longer have the one person who knew me like no one else did, could anticipate my needs, my mood, the one I told everything to. I miss the physical presence -- the hugs, the physical contact that was ours. I have to say goodbye to what I thought my future would be, the dreams "we" had, and move forward w/a new future, and "my" dreams...all part of this journey.
I am confident I can do this, as you all know by now, it's FAITH, FAMILY, FRIENDS that will guide me and help me on this journey. I am so thankful for each of you! Keep the prayers coming!!!

I seem to like to c-o-u-n-t...

on Tuesday, September 27, 2011 at 3:19pm ·

I try to not count, but I can't help it. I think that we all organize things by days, amounts, basically numbers so counting is normal (I'm hoping it's normal).
10, 000: On March 30 of this year, Jim and I celebrated our 10,000th day of marriage...weird, I know, but I was playing w/an iPhone app called "days old". So I marked it on the calendar and we had a tiny celebration.
5: Today, it's been 5 weeks since Jim died. The darkest day in my life.
1: There was always 1 chair to the left of me at Fellowship and 1 chair to the right of me at St. Peter--saved for when Jim came to sit with me during the sermon. I "mixed it up" this past Sunday and actually sat in the seat I normally saved for Jim...I didn't think it was a big deal, but Austin noticed and said something.
16: A quilt,stadium size, has 16 blocks, 15x15 each. On this past Sunday, the kids picked out hawaiian shirts/t-shirts that were Jim's so I could have a quilt made for each of them. So when they are missing their Daddy/Father (Elizabeth called Jim, Daddy. Austin called Jim, Father) they can wrap the quilt around them and have a little bit of him to hold on to.
232: Friends on Facebook, my friends have doubled over the past few weeks. WOW! I've re-connected with old friends, friends of Jim's -- who were on his FB but not mine. The words of comfort, the outpouring of prayers & thoughts via FB is truly amazing.
52: Thank you cards I have written and mailed. In response to food, flowers, gifts donated in Jim's name, gifts to me.
14: Plants that I have repotted (gifts) and working hard to keep alive--they are so beautiful!
78: Cards I've received expressing sorrow, offering up prayers for myself, the kids and Jim's family
3: Surprises at my front door at random times: the doorbell rings, I open the door, and there's balloons for my birthday, Ding Dongs, then almonds (since I can't eat Ding Dongs).
4: Fence pickets I bought yesterday, as there were a few pickets on our fence in the backyard that must be replaced...I thought I would figure out how to do it "later". My Daughter, phoned a friend, and while we were out yesterday afternoon, all four pickets were magically part of my fence...
A Bi-zillion: tears that have been cried, by me...
TO INFINITY & BEYOND: (I know, not a really number, but trust me, it's too high a number for even my OCD brain to count) The number of prayers and thoughts that have been said constantly, without ceasing from the moment Jim collapsed and they continue today. Those prayers lift me up, sustain me, keep them coming! And the HUGS, I've gotten too many to count, and hugs are so wonderful!
I remain humbled by the outpouring of Love and care for myself, my kids and Jim's family. He was so amazing! I truly thought I was probably the only one that knew that. I've realized over the last 5 weeks, everyone that knew Jim, whether for years, or just an interaction or two, thought he was amazing too!
I went back to work today -- I've been working from home over the past few weeks, but I made the commute to my office this morning. There were some cards waiting for me...again, such thoughtful people in my life. And one of the cards said, "Some days...it's tougher to hang in there than others." The personal note said that we were in their prayers and that my strength is amazing & my positive outlook is something this person admires.
Here's what allows me to focus on the positive: Philippians 4:13 "I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need."
Faith, Family, Friends! Faith, Family, Friends! Faith, Family, Friends! Faith, Family, Friends! Faith, Family, Friends!

Another Gift...

Another gift...

on Friday, September 16, 2011 at 5:43pm ·

Austin was given a letter, from the principal at Chisholm Trail Middle School today here's what it says:
Dear Austin and the entire Gulley Family,
While many of us at Chisholm Trail Middle School did not know your father personally, we knew what a great man he was and how instrumental he was in the student technology department of Northwest ISD. We were deeply saddened to learn of your family's loss. He was know for his kindness and support of others.

I wanted to let you know that the staff of Chisholm Trail has collected and contributed funds in his honor that will be used to provide scholarships for students needing assistance with technology support. Specifically, the funds will allow students to be part of the NISD "netbook" program and provide for students that would not otherwise be able to participate.

We hope that you and your family understand that we recognize what a valuable member your father was to the NISD team and that even now, his influence and passion for helping students with technology will continue.

On behalf of the staff at CTMS, our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Robert Thornell

***Jim's heart broke when he saw kids that couldn't afford to participate, or kids whose parents couldn't afford repairs, this is truly a great gift, he would be pleased....in that quiet way he had, of course. ***

Things I realized today, or "help" along the way

on Tuesday, September 13, 2011 at 8:50pm ·

I had the opportunity to help someone today, who is a recent widow (she's got a few month's on me...). I don't think I'm prepared to help--this journey is so new to me, so raw, but as I offered her words of encouragement over the phone, and followed up w/an email, I kind of realized how God is currently working in my life. I seem to have this need to journal, and to share. So here's what I realized:
I asked if she was seeing someone, professional, to help her through this journey of grief. She is not, I implored her to do this and will check in a few days to see if she's started this. Even gave her the phone number to call. I believe that there is no shame in asking for help, and getting professional counseling of some sort--it can give you perspective--it's a person you can talk to that has no emotional connection to you or your family. They will listen, ask questions and guide you as you basically talk outloud to yourself and give you a better understanding of the grief process... I received a call from the Stephen Minister that has been assigned to ME tonight. Our first meeting is Thursday. I need to talk to someone that is "outside" my incredible circle of family, friends, and this type of Ministry ensures everything is Christ centered. (See--taking my own advice, and listening to one of my great, awesome friends...)
Faith, Family, Friends! Faith, Family, Friends! Faith, Family, Friends! I got this piece of advice from a complete stranger, whose teenage daughter came home from school w/the news of Jim's death, she was compelled (it was a God thing) to share with me a package of poems that helped her & her book, Widowed And Young, that she wrote in 2003 about the death of her husband 16 yrs ago when she was 28, with a toddler and another on the way. She's since shared w/me websites, blogs & such great words of comfort, compassion, faith & pieces of her own journey of grief that I find helpful. We email every few days, and again, another gift from God, this connection w/a stranger to help me on this journey.
Everyone's journey in, thru and out of grief is unique, while there are some simaliarities, the journey is really as unique to each person as fingerprints! I've learned that there are many, many people praying for me and my family and Jim's family. I am sustained by these prayers, by the thoughts, by the quick text messages, the phone calls or the FB posts.
I journal every night. I began on my birthday, 8/31 and went back and wrote for everyday beginning w/my darkest day, 8/23 -- the day Jim died. I don't ever journal, I don't write things down like that, but I had this overwhelming need. I got the perfect gift from a friend last year for my birthday (I never touched it until now), it's a beautiful journal: Words with God, I need to talk to you! Each page is a day, w/the date and either a scripture or a quote--and each quote/scripture is so perfect for me, for that day! I do this before I turn out the light at night. I write words of encouragement I've received from friends/family, I write my feelings, the "normal" things that happened in the day. I find myself writing to God and even writing to Jim. Pouring out the emotion, pain and hurt. I write about the gifts, the gifts I am receiving from God and as a result of Jim's death...can you believe it, there are GIFTS!!! I want to write those gifts down and not forget the good that comes out of tragedy. It will be interesting to complete this 1 year journal, then go back and read where I am now, vs. in a year.
Music....oh, music has always been a part of our lives and contemporary, Christian music is a big part of my life. The words of some songs, that I always sang along to mean more, the words are profound. Jim's celebration was a reflection of not only the music he loved and played to worship our God, but also it reflected the strong message that you must live for today! No regrets! Show your love, say it, live it...because this life on earth is short!
My "anthem" has become a song by Matthew West: "Strong Enough" -- it's based on his favorite bible verse: Philippans 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." It's about surrendering to God and letting Him be strong enough because I just can't be right now. God delivered that message to me a week ago, in such a profound way, I had no choice but to surrender. *And we all know, that Edie can do anything better, easier and with better results....myself....(not this time!) God knew I hadn't given it all to Him...he pretty much whopped me upside the head...another gift!
Yes it's hard. I didn't realize how much of each of my days were spent w/Jim! What a blessing it was! I struggle through worship on Sunday's--we did that together, and when he was playing, he was worshipping and it was amazing to see, then sitting close, close close during the sermon, commenting to each other, flirting (yes during church...)! Blessing the food before a meal, we always did that and had "mini-arguments" about whose turn it was, and silly bets on whether Austin would pull out his "standard" prayer or not. Blessing the food brings me to tears!!!
So, it's OK to have a bad day, it's OK to have a good day and it's OK to be honest when someone asks me how I'm doing. It's OK to say, "I don't know what to say..." (I don't know what to say either about all this) It's OK to cry "outloud" -- in public places, emotions hit at the oddest times, triggered by some of the oddest things...
I also shared w/this other person, grieving over the loss of her husband -- that we both KNOW where our husbands are...they are in heaven, worshiping, in person, w/our God! They are whole, perfect, happy, reunited w/the ones that have gone before. They are reaping the reward of heaven, that is promised to us while we are on this earth! My husband was a godly man on this earth, and he's now in the presence of God! And while I would have chosen to still have him here w/me (I'm human after all)...I can't help but smile, a sad smile, but a smile just the same for this promise, for His promise being fulfilled for Jim.
Whew! I feel better, and if I've helped one person feel better, or understand what a person goes through---then I guess that would be "another gift, from God to me, to YOU!"
Blessings to you! My love to you--as I've chosen to be friends w/each of you, and you each mean something special to me!!

He is the resurrection and the life!

One Month to Live...

One Month to Live....

on Sunday, September 4, 2011 at 12:49pm

Fellowship Methodist Church, Trophy Club is the church where Austin plays drums and Jim joined him to play bass. The praise team, Zamar, is amazing, talented and such a blessing! Adam Bennett, the lead, male vocal, works for Northwest ISD, and he and Jim (Austin, too) worked together.
A few weeks ago, Daniel, the Pastor, began a sermon series: "One Month to Live" it's a book, a bible study and the music during the contemporary worship is all about the themes of the series. On Sunday, August 28, the message was "LIVING PASSIONATELY".
The Friday before, Daniel called me and asked if he could use Jim's life as an example of how a person can live with passion. I never even considered saying no, even though, once again, Jim would have been so uncomfortable with all the attention.
I sat in church, with my children, Austin, Elizabeth and Dwayne, surrounded by people that were mourning the loss of Jim right along w/my family and I. My tears flowing and I heard the most amazing sermon and service.
One of the songs Zamar sang was "I Hope You Dance". That's the very song Jim was transposing from 6 pages to 1 when he collapased on August 23rd. (He never liked flipping multiple pages when he played, so he would condense the guitar chords as much as possible)
It was joyful, mournful, comforting and peaceful all at once. If you are so inclined, take some time and listen --- it is so important that everyone live like you're dying and with no regrets. I HOPE YOU DANCE!

Link to the sermon: http://www.fumctc.com/media_player.asp?messageID=101398
Link to the Church's website: http://www.fumctc.com/

Today's my birthday...

on Wednesday, August 31, 2011 at 7:41pm

I'm learning something new each and every day!
I'm learning to pace myself, can't do all and be all in the same day (the over achiever in me thinks that I should have all my thank you notes DONE)...
Sleeping pills aren't necessarily a bad thing--I finally asked for help sleeping last night, and my mind and body thank me. I was beginning to ache and I was all foggy--not a good combo.
I have so many friends and family and strangers (lots of prayer chains!) that are praying without ceasing for me--and I can actually FEEL it, and it sustains me!
It's OK to say I'm not doing good, it's ok to say, "I don't know what to say." You telling me that, means you care, because frankly, I don't know what to say either....
Crying--that's ok too, just don't freak out if it happens at a time you think is odd--something has triggered some sadness and it can be as ridiculous as taking a shower, pulling money out of my wallet.
My husband bought my bday gift (a Nook color) weeks ago...using his savings for lasik surgery money. He hid it, I found it exactly a week ago..he never ever bought nor planned gifts in advance, just wasn't his style. God placed it on his heart to plan in advance this time and I'm thankful.
My kids, O, my kids are my angels! They care so much for me! I got all sorts of Nook accessories from Austin, Elizabeth and Dwayne. Austin even took me out for lunch/supper and PAID! They made this day so very special for me despite our sadness. Their concern for me equals my own concern for them, funny how that works. Jim and I, we raised them "good"!
Hindsight is 20/20, I know that. And as each day passes, I get a thought or a memory that clearly allows me to see that God had been planning to call Jim home for quite awhile and he allowed Jim, the kids and I to make some incredibly special memories over the last 8 months or so. God has placed people in our lives to help ME, to help my kids because he knew the hurt and loss we would experience so He was "lining things up" so to speak. I'm thankful, grateful and a bit amazed. I also have a very wise sister that pointed that out to me last week ans as I think that through, it all makes sense. Thanks, Kim!
We were allowed truly celebrate not only our Lord and Savior, but the man that was Jim on Saturday---it was sad, but it was so much more joyous! The celebration was total selfishness--it was for me and my kids, and we invited many special family, friends, coworkers to participate/attend. That celebration was EXACTLY what we needed to say see ya later, and begin the process of moving on to life without Jim.
The sadness is now washing over me...I've been told by another wise friend to allow this to wash over me, accept it, swim in it then get up and do it again. It is very much like waves coming in--it is futile not to mention exhausting to fight against it. That's when I must lean on Him and my family/friends.
Yesterday was a very bad day---went to sleep crying on Monday night, woke up crying then continued on and off the entire day. Today, it's been better, a very tiny good day today.
My momma called me early early to be the first to wish me happy birthday (tradition, and woes to her should she forget). I've gotten wishes via text, telephone & Facebook (I love the connection I can have with so many via Facebook!
I have a friend that gave me a journal, for my birthday last year....I don't journal, so that beautiful book with wise words on each page, sat by my bed, unused. I've felt a pull I've never felt before to put down my thoughts since Jim's death. (Another gift...) So today, I found a cool pen, to use only for this journal and began to write. I started with Tuesday, August 23. The day of my darkest hour. It's only one page per day, so as I wrote for the 23rd through the 31st, I had to really focus on what to record--I can talk forever, you know. (Cathy--I did capture our shopping adventure...I'd apologize but Momma always if you don't mean it, don't say it, I wouldn't mean it...it was TOO FUNNY!)
The journal is beautiful! It's titled Dear God, I need to talk to you. Each day has a quote or scripture. The quote for the 23rd: Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time. --Oswald Chambers (kind of made me go: huh, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!)
Today's is an Irish blessing: May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you. And I have been cheered today, by all the bday wishes, the prayers and my precious children. Plus some crazy friends who made me laugh w/glee tonight! I'll post the pic and their names later!
I just wanted to share my feelings, some of the things I'm going through, read it if you like and if you don't that's ok too. I'm finding sharing my thoughts (ok, some of them) is healing, so I'm indulging myself.
Have I said thank you, I'm so blessed we're friends and family!
Edie