Sleepy & Weepy

I am sleepy.  I have spent this entire day weepy.  I'm tired.

The lack of sleep comes from a few things:  I did not take my handy dandy prescription for sleep (trying not to rely on it every night).  The explosion in West happened last night.  My daughter is a dispatcher for Waco PD, she was dispatching & handling 911 calls -- she (and her co-workers) were many, many people's lifeline in the late hours of yesterday and into the wee hours of this morning. Handling life & death situations, one right after another.  I was fervently praying for her, for the first responders, for the victims.
I felt much better after I talked with her this morning--I'm one proud Momma, she has a tough job, sometimes thankless, but she was a hero last night.
It was after 1am this morning when sleep finally came, then the storm blew in, so I was awake again at 3am.         Have I already said, "I'm tired?"

I got up and did what anyone else would do, shower & bake.  I had many errands today and the first one, at 7:15am (on my first day of VACATION) was an oil change & tire rotation.  I always bring breakfast for those wonderful guys at Alliance Auto--that shop is so good to me!

Here comes the weepy part.
I got the Mustang's vehicle registration renewal in the mail a few weeks ago.  It's due in May.  It has Jim's name on it.  My heart always does this weird leap when I see his name, especially on mail.  I hate it, it upsets me.  My solution is to get the car in my name only.  Today was my day to do this.
I was helped by a very nice lady named, Misti.  She told me that the title says James E OR Edith N, I didn't have to change it.
My head was screaming, "YES I DO!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, IT HURTS MY HEART WHEN I SEE HIS NAME ON MAIL!!" Mission accomplished.

On to more errands. I stopped at probably 6 other places, picking up odds and ends getting ready for my trip...I leave Saturday for Italy, lots to do.

Thank you Wendi, for interrupting my day with a lunch date!  I wasn't very hungry, but the company was great as was the carrot cake! No weepy-ness at all!  I also got to chat w/my mom and sisters today.  I love them so!

I stopped at Kroger--things to buy.  My Angel, Bennie, from Fred Meyer Jeweler's, was working.  (I blogged about in November 2011) I'm so glad she was there!  I needed a hug so very bad from someone "who gets it".  She held me tight for a few minutes, whispered to me that God's got this until I could stop my tears. We moved on to catching up, chit-chat and I felt better after I left her.

Tonight, I had Praise Moves, it's christian based yoga--the music is christian, the moves have amazing names: Mt. Zion, The Dove, The Cross, The Shawl and each move has a bible verse.  At the end of the session, it's quiet, relaxation & reflection time.  As the leader reads a devotion & prays, I'm laying on my mat, quiet, relaxed, listening. I was asking myself why, oh why is today so weepy for me, as tears roll down my face once again.
As I let the words I was hearing wash over me I realized that changing the car into my name only makes me feel like it's one more way Jim is being erased from ever existing.  Oh, I know he's in my memories, my heart, my head & I see him in my kids -- but his existence, in all things worldly, is disappearing, disappearing and one day, poof,  gone. So, that thought hit me hard.  BINGO: weeping!

I want so much at this very moment to be held, hugged and to be told that it's going to be alright, I'm strong but it's OK to cry, it's OK to be sad, there's not expiration date on grief.
I want to be held by Jim.
As time slips by, I still get so caught off guard by that rogue wave of grief and it just knocks me flat on my ass!

My prayer for me tonight (because I really need comfort) is for a restful sleep, for the memories of my husband to surround my heart and my mind. That the Lord wrap his loving arms around me, holds me tight & gives me the comfort I so desperately need!
I also pray for safe travels as I embark on an amazing trip.  Lord, open my eyes on this trip, let me see You as I travel make new friends, have new experiences and make new memories.

Amen