The Man and Wine

I figured the title would catch your attention...did it work?

The Man...

I don't like being "The Man" of the house.

•      Killing bugs/spiders
•      Taking care of the house:
•           What is wrong with the HVAC downstairs
•           I have a garage door that won't automatically close
•           Why is the ceiling fan making a funny noise
•           Trimming trees
•           The fence between my neighbor and I, well it needs to be replaced
•      The car needs new tires
•      Parts of the cable for the surround sound (which is far from perfectly done) is falling down

The Wine...Should actually be WHINE.

•  I hate killing bugs & spiders, they scare me and creep me out
• Thank goodness, the Air Conditioner seems to be working
• I'm clueless about the garage door, it's probably simple
• I don't know why the fan is noisy
• Trees, yard work--ewwww
• Nor do I want to have to figure out this fence thing
• I have NEVER, EVER purchased tires!  That was Jim's job. He would research and get the best tire for the the money we had to spend
• I really don't like climbing up and down a 6' ladder to fix my bumbled attempt to re-install the surround sound cables

I can feel myself sliding into a funk...I'm  8 weeks from the 2nd anniversary of Jim's death and I feel it in my head, in my heart, in my body -- the anticipation of "that day".  The significance of "that day". The dread of "that day".  TWO years, two years, and did I say, T-W-O years!

I've needed to replace my tires for at least the last 3 months.  I keep putting it off.  As I think about why I keep putting it off (other than the cost) -- it's this overwhelming feeling that I don't want to do for myself what Jim always did for me.  He'd take the car, drop it off, make the purchase...I just picked him up and dropped him off, the waiting rooms at these places stink! 
It's another piece of the never ending stuff that is this life of mine without Jim.  I am constantly reminded he's not here, he's never going to be here.  It hurts.

It makes me tremendously sad, it makes me cry, it makes me grieve all over again.  Jim's not here.  Jim's not here. Jim's not here.  It's overwhelming & lonely to me, right here, right now, in this moment.  I don't like it, I don't like it at all.