I wonder...

...if the day will ever come when there won't be tears...
...when the memories will bring more laughter than sadness...
...when I will sleep and feel like it was a peaceful sleep and wake up rested...
...when songs on the radio will NOT make me cry...
...if the sense of loss eases over time... (I read that it does, I hear from those that have experienced death of a loved one that it does) I'm still waiting...
...if I'm providing the support my kids need as they mourn the death of their Daddy/Father...
...if Jim can really watch over us...
...when I will "move on", sometimes it seems that everyone around me has, but I'm still deep in grief...
...what to do to ease the pain of Father's day for my kids...
...when I won't feel lonely
...if people know that sometimes I get jealous and envy couples
...how can it already be 8 months
...if I will figure out how to handle that 1 year mark, is it alone, is it with the my kids, is it a quiet thing, is it a time meant to celebrate what was...because it's certainly not to celebrate what happened...
...what is in store for me each new day--I think more in the present than I ever have before...
...what God intends to do with me, how does He want me to be His hands & feet here on earth...

I know...

...there is eternal life after death and I will be reunited with Jim, someday
...there is HOPE
...that I no longer "sweat the small stuff"...and it's ALL small stuff
...I was given the gift of a stronger faith through Jim's death
...my eyes are open and I've slowed down to actually pay attention to what's going on around me
...I don't hurry and rush anymore
...I have FAITH
...I have a FAMILY that is so very supportive & loving--visiting both my sisters was priceless!
...I have FRIENDS that are amazing
...God provides exactly what I need, at exactly the right moment, even though I constantly question His timing
...Angels are everywhere, you just need to watch for them
...that I really, really appreciate when someone takes the time to reach out to me ask how I'm doing, and they really want to know--even if it's not the "standard" answer of good
...this is a journey, and it's long, it's rocky, it takes unexpected turns, and sometimes it's startling, sometimes it's surprising
...eventually, I'm going to be OK, Jim would expect nothing less

(he use to tell me that he knew, without a doubt, should anything ever happen to him, that I would be OK...I'd be able to take care of myself.  He's right, I can, I just sometimes wish I didn't have to)

The Sense of Smell

on Monday, April 16, 2012 at 9:00pm

Smell, its the strongest sense I have... I can smell a hyacinth in bloom and immediately be taken back to growing up in the gray house on the hill in Hot Springs.
I smell chocolate chip cookies baking and remember baking dozens of them for Austin & his friends.
I smell crayons and immediately think of Pastor John's VW bug.
Smell can be a powerful reminder of things past.

 I've refrained from spraying Jim's cologne--I made that "mistake" very early on after his death--it sent me into such a tail spin of grief, nothing good happened from that experiment. 

Tonight, I took out that bottle of Mary Kay's Domain and sprayed it on my pillow...and it took me immediately back into being enveloped in his arms...he had other cologne, but he wore this one, special, for me, as it was my absolute favorite. And while there is sadness (yes, some tears are being shed) that scent, tonight, it brings me comfort and memories that are so very precious! Just what I needed. The blessing of the sense of smell & memories...

Good Grief...

Good Grief...

on Sunday, April 15, 2012 at 5:34pm ·

I receive a daily email, from Grief Share, I had an angel suggest this website and signed up for their daily emails a few weeks after Jim died.  They get delivered very late at night, so it's always one of the first things I read each morning.  They have been very helpful, some deal with the loss of parents, the loss of a child, suicide, but most deal with loss of a spouse and just grief in general, and faith--faith and hope are what you need to cling to during these times.  They always have a biblical basis and end with a bible verse and prayer.  The last few days they have been about "Good Grief".  Here's today's:
 
Good Grief
Day 225 Good grief is accepting the fact that your loved one has died, accepting the sorrow and pain, and knowing there is more to come. Good grief is getting through the days, the months, and, eventually, through the years.

Dr. Erwin Lutzer says, "There was a young woman who saw me for counsel. She was madly in love with her husband, and he died unexpectedly. She was contemplating suicide. She said, 'I simply cannot live. I want to die, and I want to be with him. That's all that I care about.' So I explained to her that what she needed to do was to get through the first year. I promised her that the sun would shine again.

"She saw me several months later, and she said, 'You know, the sun is beginning to shine. I have now discovered I can make it without him.' And she's on her way. Grief takes time but you will find it gets better, and you must recognize that it is a period of transition to a brand-new kind of life for you."

Your life will never be the same again, but you will get through the grief. The grieving process is a transition into your new life.

"He will renew your life and sustain you in your old age" (Ruth 4:15).

Lord, I did not want a new life. I liked my old one just fine, but I understand that going back is not an option. Therefore, Lord, I will move forward. Teach me to seek You and embrace You and grow in this new life. Amen.

Over the last few weeks I've realized a few things.  It's been almost 8 months.  Most people in my life (and I knew this would happen, I read about it) assume that for the widow (ugh!) life is getting back to the new normal, and everyone kind of goes back to normal--no longer checking in, no longer dropping by, etc.  I've seen this happen.  That seems to be life and it's OK. There are still people uncomfortable -- please don't be.  It's OK to talk about Jim, share your memories and say his name...that's how we remember and memories are all we have now of that great guy!  To those friends who are so persistent...thank you for not giving up on spending time with me, calling me, sending me a quick note or text...you'll never know how many times I'm wallowing in my grief only to be lifted up by you--your timing is impeccable!

I struggle with the new normal, what is that exactly?  I am reading, a great book, thank you Donna L.  It's by Paula D'Arcy When People Grieve Guidance for Grievers and the Friends Who Care.  In her book she talks about how the person you were prior to the death of your loved one is never the person you will be again.  I realized just how true that statement is, and that while I am grieving Jim's death, I'm also grieving what was for me.  I will never be exactly the same person I was -- growth and change is all part of the aging process.  Death of a spouse, accelerates that change. So I also kind of grieve for who I was, I was Jim's wife, he was my best friend and we did everything together, I was happiest when I was with Jim, that's just how it was, we loved each other that much!

I was talking with one of my "kids" yesterday, bless you Sarah Grace, for calling and checking on me yesterday.  And I mentioned that I had been out with a group of women the night before, and it was so fun to be with these strong women, we laughed, and laughed.  I talked told her about getting very involved with a ministry in Haiti--I want go and help w/my hands! And I'm off to volunteer at an incredible art exhibit at the Dallas Arboretum next month...things I would have never done if Jim were here.  She asked me why?  I had to stop and think for a moment....the answer is simple really.  I was very content to spend every waking moment with Jim when I wasn't at work or teaching at church.  I didn't plan outings w/others that didn't include Jim, Jim wasn't into the arts so we didn't go, and frankly, we didn't really get involved in mission work. Again, I was so content just being with him, watching baseball, hanging out, going out as a couple.  Maybe that consuming focus on each other was God's way of helping me spend as much time with Jim as possible, as He knew Jim's time was limited here on earth...
So, along with grieving for Jim's death, I also find that I'm grieving the me I use to be and stumbling through discovering who I am to be now...what moves me forward, what excites me, what helps me feel that I'm being the very best person that God wants me to be.  I question what I do a lot these days.  I want everything I do to "mean something".   Things like my work, where I'm living, what can I do be a better Mom, a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better representative of God's hands and feet, here on earth...

I'm proud to say that I'm experiencing "Good Grief"...I know I cannot go backwards and have Jim back in my life, so I take this journey, this long, winding, rough, sometimes 1 step forward, 3 steps back kind of journey through grief, moving forward to a new me, to new adventures, new life with a faith so much richer and deeper than I ever knew before Jim's death...I take this journey a day at a time...OK, let's be real, sometimes it's minute by minute! But I"m moving forward, that's what matters most.

Love each and every one of you, thank you, thank you for your prayers, support, notes, calls, text messages, cards...keep them coming, I cherish them!

Spring forward...

on Friday, March 23, 2012 at 6:24pm ·

So, it's now been 30 weeks and 3 days since Jim died.  That would be 213 days, roughly 5,112 hours.  It's spring -- we really didn't have a winter and I know Jim would have enjoyed the warmer days this time around. As I think about spring, I can't help but think about re-birth, new growth, baby birds, lambs, etc, and hope...isn't that spring--the one word: hope as all things renew themselves? 
The trees are budding--they are almost fully leafed out.  The flowers are blooming, the birds are building nests.  Plants I thought had died, are amazingly coming back to life! Spring break has come and gone.
So much has happened, well, since his death, but really since the first of the year:

• Austin and I got the house ready to sell.  Austin's been amazing!! I was gone the first week the house was listed, and he did a great job keeping it "show" ready!! Even cleaning up the mess that happened on the porch due to the high winds/storms.
• Going over the paperwork with my good friend and realtor, Deb, there was an overwhelming moment of sadness.  Putting this house up for sale, although Jim and I talked about doing this before he died--is the first EXTREMELY huge decision that I feel I'm making on my own.  It's uncomfortable and feels so strange.  It's been listed for a week, we've had 2 showings...here's to a few more & a contract?
• We packed, sorted, gave away, threw away...had painters in to paint and do repairs, window cleaners, housecleaners, carpet cleaning....craziness! Dwayne & Elizabeth came up for a weekend to help with the garage & attic!
• I've redecorated a bit, and it was a bit odd to decorate based on my taste, what colors and things I enjoy...I always considered Jim and his taste (NOT bright bold colors or florals)...the dining room is not only bright and bold, but the dishes are.....floral!
• Elizabeth and Dwayne are buying a house!  It's being built as I type, and they will be moving in June 2.  I'm so very proud of both of them! (Jim would be, too!)
• I updated my own will, as the one I had was from 1988, and I needed to change it from Jim to the kids.  It's a fairly easy document...with the only hard piece being my last wishes--I put it in writing, as it's so very important to me that my kids understand exactly what I want, what to do--so they are not having to make those decisions at an incredibly emotional time. {{Please, if you've not drafted a will, do it NOW...you are never promised tomorrow, and having things in a legal document, eases the burden on those you love and leave behind...I know it's awful to think about, but what a wonderful gift to leave for those you love most}}
• For the first time in "forever" I did not take spring break off--that was always the week of our "big" family vacation, and over the last few years, not so much a big vacation, but just time to be together.  We'd do fun things like redo the flower beds, mow, trim, paint....ugh!
• I took a week off, actually 6 days and flew to S. Carolina to see my niece peform in her school's production of Cinderella and spend time w/my sister & brother-in-law.  It was wonderful! I did nothing really... as opposed to when I'm home, I find a million and one things to keep me busy. I promised my sister it would NOT be another 10 years before I visited again.
• On a whim, Austin and I fly to Phoenix tomorrow, going to a Ranger's spring training game against the LAA Angels then back home (all in one day)...something Jim always wanted to do but we just couldn't afford it.
• I go to Hot Springs next month, to visit with my other sister, Kim, for a few days.  Great time for us to catch up and spend some time together.  I have plans to see some friends I've known since I was 5!  I hope to see my father, maybe re-establish that broken relationship.
• I bought the camera I always wanted---a DSLR and it takes such amazing pictures!! I was so excited to use it in SC--at the botanical gardens in Orangeburg, Cathy's house, Charleston & Folly Beach.
•  I'm all caught up in an amazing ministry, Second Mile Ministry, Haiti.  I've never been so eager to help like this before. I encourage you to check them out, I've liked them on facebook and I follow their blogs...two young women who are not only helping children in Haiti, but also teaching the Moms in Haiti how to better care for their children --- God's hands and feet at work, here on earth.
• Austin and I are considering joining the church where he plays drums, amazing group of folks, again doing wonderful things in the community and the world -- another example of God's hands and feet at work. I find myself feeling more and more at home in this amazing church.

I guess what this post is all about is, life goes on...life renews itself, what use to be is eventually replaced with new or different things, whether it be routines, or travel, choices of where to eat, what to eat, what to do, what not to do, where to live...(that reminds me, I should figure out where I would like to live when this house sells...)
Making decisions now are mine, just mine and that is so strange to me.  I've never made decisions for just myself...it's always been a team event:  Jim and I, then Jim, the kids and I, back to Jim and I.  Really takes some getting use to...but I'm learning.
I find the tears not so quick to happen these days, and I'm grateful.  Although, sometimes, the strangest things will conjure up a memory and that wave of sorrow will knock me down and send me tumbling into sadness and tears.  I've learned to let it...and then I pick myself up and I'm a bit stronger, I do it all over again.
I find that I can smile (sometimes a sad smile) at memories..or laugh and talk about Jim when I'm reminded of something.  It's really OK for everyone around me to talk about him too...sometimes people aren't certain if it's ok--if what they'd like to share will bring tears or smiles....either one is OK.  I LOVE to hear "Jim stories, Jim memories"!!! He was an amazing man, I like to be reminded of that.
Happy spring!  HOPE -- it's that time of year.  The HOPE of new life, the HOPE of the resurrection, the HOPE of better things to come.

Misses...

Misses...

on Thursday, February 23, 2012 at 2:27pm ·

  Today marks 6 months...if you want to get technical and really play out the numbers, it's actually 26 weeks, 2 days or 184 days, or about 4,416 hours...since Jim's body broke so horribly bad that God had no choice but to take him home.  I think back to the book, "Why? Making Sense of God's Will"... where I learned a valuable lesson that helped heal my heart just a little: I couldn't fix Jim, neither could the EMTs or the Doctors, but God did and he now lives with Him, perfect!  Anyone else a bit envious of that?
I try to focus on the blessing that was Jim's life with me for 30 years.  I try to focus on the blessings, oh SO MANY blessings that have come my way in the last 6 months.  I try to focus on the Angels that have crossed my path, I try to focus on the way God uses others around me to answer my prayers.... but I also find myself focusing on all my "Misses":

• I miss his smile!
• I miss the way he could always make me laugh!
• I miss his physical presence
• I miss worshipping w/him, sinking into him during the sermon
• I miss holding his hand and praying after we took communion, together
• I miss sharing my day with him
• I miss watching him be the very best dad ever!
• I see Jim in our son, and in our daughter, the goodness that was Jim lives on in them, they will say or do somthing and I see Jim, I miss him
• I miss watching him worship, playing his guitar--that was his time w/the Lord and he always got lost in those moments
• I miss his cold feet and constant complaints about the cold
• I miss him always picking up after me...he was a better housekeeper than I was
• I miss watching our favorite TV shows and baseball together
• I miss that final text messaging at the end of the work day as we both left work and headed home, knowing that for the most part, we were going to be together
• I miss watching him prepare for rehearsals and Sunday service and that excitement he would get when he was working on some music that he didn't get---and then he finally "got" it
• I miss those lazy mornings, we didn't have to get up immediately and go our separate ways
• I miss how he would ask me what's wrong, I'd say nothing and he would pick and pick until he got the answer of what was really wrong---I should have learned to just give it up the first time he asked, but I never did...
• I miss texting him when I'm driving the Mustang with the top down...just the word, "TOPLESS"! He did that to me too when he drove w/the top down....

The list could go on and on as each day something will happen, or I'll see something and be reminded of a "Miss".  The physical hurt is easing and I find myself smiling more at these Misses than crying at these misses.
The journey remains long and hard, but I am, as always sustained by Faith, Family & Friends.

Valentine's Day...How to kidnap the one you love

Valentine's Day...How to kidnap the one you love

on Friday, February 10, 2012 at 7:33pm ·

I've been getting the house ready to put on the market.  My Mom and I spent an entire weekend going through rooms and closets.  I discovered a few things:

1. My husband was a bit of a hoarder...he disliked throwing anything away he "thought" he might need or may reuse!
2. My husband kept everything, and it's kind of a blessing.  I didn't realize how bittersweet going through everything would be.  Touching things and discovering things I hadn't seen in a very long time, all sorts of memories.
3. I've found some stuff that will allow me to do something special for my kids. (shhh, that's a secret for another time)
4. Jim had a box in the closet marked, "Jim's keepsakes."  I haven't had the strength to actually go through it.  I'm afraid that along w/the joy of memories of what was, I also will get lost in what will never be.  I know I need to allow the grief to happen, but sometimes it sideswipes me and its so powerful, so painful.

I did peek into the box--you all know I can't resist at least a peek.  On the top, was my garter from 28 years ago, wrapped around 7 red envelopes.  Oh, the memories!

In October of 1998 I kidnapped my husband.  That was the year we celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary.  I was the store manager of AT&T in Temple, and my Assistant Store Manager, Nikki, helped me w/my notes.  We spent hours cutting words and letters out of newspapers and magazines to create my notes, spraying them w/my favorite perfume.

• 3 weeks in advance I planned...arranged for the kids to stay w/my Mom; talked to Jim's boss to arrange a lunchtime pickup and he wouldn't return.  Found a fabulous B&B in the Hill Country a few hours away.
• Jim left for work that Friday morning, we had plans for me to pick him up and take him to lunch (a date).
• I packed his bag after he left along with mine.
• I had created 6 "notes" each numbered and in a red envelope.
• I picked up Jim for lunch, never said a word--just handed him note #1 which instructed him that he was being kidnapped, ask no questions, gather you stuff, leave w/your wife, await further instructions (he would not stop asking questions, but I never gave in)
• Note #2 was delivered when we got in the car he was instructed: Go to lunch at Wendy's, get in the car, kiss your wife.
• Note #3 (delivered after the kiss) instructed: Travel IH-35 S; 190W to Killeen...to Lampasas, Hwy 281, STOP, kiss your wife.
• Note #4 (delivered after the kiss) instructed: Drive S on Hwy 281 to Marble Falls, STOP, kiss your wife.
• Note #5 (delivered, you got it, after a kiss) instructed: Continue S on 281 to Hwy 290, STOP, kiss your wife.
• Note #6 (after the kiss) instructed: Go W on 290 to hwy 16, STOP, Kiss your wife...
• after this kiss, I delivered my final red envelope, a letter:

My Darling Jim,
By now you realize that we are Fredericksburg.  I have kidnapped you for a romantic weekend -- just the two of us.  We are not expected back in Belton until Sunday afternoon.  I've had this secret for 3 weeks, can you believe it?!!
Ed gave me permission to "kidnap" you for the afternoon.  I asked days ago...Mom & Pops have the van, and they have the kids.  I hear that they will be heading to the Ft. Worth zoo tomorrow to meet Thomas, Rosie & Brooke.  I've got the dogs being fed.  Your Sunday school class is also covered.
The bags were packed--they are in the trunk.  You only have to get us to the reservation place we are staying, "A Little Waltz."
We talked one night, weeks ago and you made comment that started me thinking.  You said we never just talk anymore.  We discuss schedules, work, kids, church, school and such but we never visit anymore, we never have an opportunity to really, really focus on us--you and me, the couple we established almost 15 years ago.
YOU are the love of my life, my center, my foundation, you complete me.  We need this time to re-connect, and recapture that crazy time, long ago, when we were silly in love and oblivious to all that surrounded us.
So happy anniversary...early.  I'm looking forward to focusing on you, and me and putting us first, this entire weekend.
I love you, Edie

We had a tremendous weekend, and we did re-connect.  We had such fun! Wandering around the shops, eating terrific food.  That Saturday night, at an Italian restaurant, as we were eating, a lady approached our table and asked Jim if he was Anthony Edwards (Dr. Green from ER)....he said no, and I almost snotted tea out of my nose I was laughing so hard!

So, kidnap the one you love sometime!  It will create memories to be treasured always!

I thank God for revealing this precious memory around Valentine's Day -- just my little peek into Jim's keepsakes box that overwhelms me gave me such a strong feeling of Jim's love at just the right time... 

Last Day of 2011...I'm a party of One...

Last Day of 2011...I'm a party of One...

on Saturday, December 31, 2011 at 8:47pm

I spent this week out of town, I ran away from home.  I felt the need to be alone, be quiet, away from home. I don't know if you are like this, but if I'm home, I find a million things to keep me busy!
The alone part, I believe, I have mastered--as I'm now, always a "party of one".  The be quiet...not so much.  I'm thinking this time alone was a test for me to really do things alone:  eat out, alone; shop, alone; drive, alone; make decisions, alone; plan my schedule, alone.
I think patience may have also been part of what I was to focus on...difficult at best for me. I have always struggled with being patient. It's hard to be patient with myself, just when I think I've mastered something within this journey of grief, I haven't...I want (and prefer) timelines, schedules, deadlines... For this journey, there is no timeline, no deadline to meet and no schedule to keep--it's all dependent on each and every moment of the day, and it's almost a dance, sometimes it's two steps forward and 3 steps back.  Very frustrating to me...
I can honestly say there were moments of fun sprinkled in to my running away: nothing like running errands with the Innkeeper in a limo...developed a great appreciation for the Sweet Tea Martini...
I was made to feel so welcome each and every day by everyone at Inn on the Creek!
Met up with a guy I went to high school with and we talked for hours, catching up, he lives in MS, but was home for Christmas!!
Another angel, this one named Janice, crossed my path.  A spunky, friendly, octogenarian who was concerned I was dining alone last night, so she introduced herself and asked if I was OK.  When I explained, she offered me comfort and hope (she's 2 years into her 2nd marriage and she and her new husband had both been married once before for 50+ years!). It was cute to hear her go back to her table and tell her husband he was right about me!
So here it is, New Year's Eve.  I feel like I should say something profound, but I don't have anything.  I have spent some time reflecting on this year.  It was a year with one of the most shocking changes complete with ripple effects that will be felt forever.  There were gifts sprinkled in:

• wonderful, precious moments with Jim that I will treasure!
• I've reconnected with "old" friends and have many, many new friends!
• I have learned what it is to truly throw myself at the Lord's mercy, begging for Him to be strong for me because for right now, I'm not.
• The power of prayer sustains me.  So many prayers were said and still are said for myself, the kids, Jim's family.
• Humility -- I've been humbled by the effect Jim had those that knew him, even those that only knew "of" him. 
• My quiet, unassuming husband was such a witness for Christ and he touched so many people!
• I'm learning that the future I had envisioned, to be shared with Jim now has to be rewritten, and it's a future for "a party of one".  This makes it "all about me" and you'd think that would be kind of cool, except my life has NEVER been all about me.  It's always been Jim and I then Jim, the kids and I...well the kids are grown, Jim's gone and it's just me, the party of one...

I've had to pause (stop actually) and rethink my priorities which is currently ongoing:  I'm rethinking my career, where I live, what kind of life I truly want to live that will be pleasing to God.
For the New Year, it's customary to think about what you want the year to be, set a resolution or two.  I won't be doing that.  To plan or wish for certain things over an entire year is too much for me these days.  I'm focusing on the present, I want to do that each and every day and work to make each day count as we are not promised tomorrow.

The journal I continue to write in every night says the following for today (author unknown):
"Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song.
As the burdens press, and the cares distress
And the way grows weary and long?
Does Jesus care when my way is dark
With a nameless dread and fear?
As the daylight fades into deep night shades,
Does He care enough to be near?
Does Jesus care when I've tried and failed
To resist some temptations strong;
When for my deep grief there is no relief,
Though my tears flow all the night long?
Does Jesus care when I've said "goodbye"
To the dearest on earth to me,
And my sad heart aches till it nearly breaks,
Is it aught to Him? Does He see?
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares."

Happy New Year! My prayer is for the Lord to watch over you, protect and comfort you, give you peace. And that you will live each day of 2012 like there will be no tomorrow, with no regrets!  

I had a "wobbly" moment then an ANGEL appeared...

I had a "wobbly" moment then an ANGEL appeared...

on Thursday, December 15, 2011 at 3:53pm ·

I had a lunch date today with a very dear friend, thanks Lorianne! Your company at lunch (thanks for the invite) was exactly what I needed.  I forgot about  my wobbly moment!
Before meeting Lorianne for lunch, I needed to pick up a few items from the grocery store.  And at the Kroger, there's a jewelry store. There's also a Starbucks, furniture store, baby store, toy store, sushi bar, olive bar,  but that's another blog, some other time!
I have a gold watch that has needed a battery for over a year, and I wanted to wear gold today, (I do like to accessorize) so I thought I'd pop in there, get a battery then grab my stuff.
A very nice lady, named Bennie helped me.  She asked if I had replaced a battery here before, I told her no.  She said if I filled out some information, the battery would be free!  OK!  She gives me the form, it asks the normal stuff, then there was a section for my spouse's information...
...my eyes filled with tears, she interjected that was so email reminders of special days could be sent.
...I then used "that" word for the very first time, outloud to a perfect stranger, "I'm a widow".
...and tears overflow my eyes, in front of a stranger, just doing her job.
...Bennie turned into an Angel!  She took my hands in her's, asked me how long...16 weeks and 2 days (but who's counting)
...Bennie the Angel then asked if it was sudden, and I answered yes, and so very unexpected...his heart
....Bennie the Angel told me that she too is a widow, 4 years, her husband went out for his daily walk and did not return home, he collapsed and died of a heart attack.
...Bennie the Angel, witnessed to me, offered me comfort and told me that anytime I needed to talk with someone that "had been there" to come by and see her, and if it was break time, she'd be more than happy to walk with me around the store, or grab a cup of coffee.
The "wobbly" moment was from saying out loud the word WIDOW, it places such a bad taste in my mouth and makes me sick to my stomach....which reminds me I am also unable to say "Jim passed" or "I lost my husband"....#1 I didn't lose Jim, I know exactly where he is and it's not lost! #2  Passed, he didn't pass, Jim died and it's OK to use the word died, passed makes it sound like he was a kidney stone or something (in my mind anyway).
So, if you live locally, and you need to a new battery, jewelry repair or want to purchase jewelry, there's an angel at Fred Meyer Jewelry inside the Kroger Market Place at Alliance Town Center, her name is Bennie.  Give her your business and tell her a very thankful widow referred you to her!
And if you work in retail, and you sense the customer you are assisting is hurting, take a moment, be an angel to them by saying a kind word, showing compassion.  You may think it's no big deal -- trust me, to the person you are kind to, it means so very much!
This is a moment that will live in my heart forever, the compassion of a stranger, of an Angel! Isn't that what Mary & Joseph relied on all those years ago as they traveled home and searched for a place to have their baby--the compassion of strangers, the kindness of strangers.
It's all about Faith, Family, Friends...and strangers who become Angels right before your very eyes!

My First Christmas in Heaven

My First Christmas in Heaven

on Tuesday, December 6, 2011 at 4:03pm ·

My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees
     Around the world below.
With tiny lights like Heaven's stars
     reflecting on the snow,
The sight is so spectacular
     please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with
     Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs
     that people hold so dear,
But the sound of music cannot compare
     with the Christmas choir up here,
I have no words to tell you
     The joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description
     to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me
     I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away
     We really aren't apart
So be happy for me dear ones
     You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I am spending Christmas
     with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift
     from my heavenly home above,
I send you each a memory
     Of my undying love,
After all love is a gift more
     precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the
     stories that Jesus told.
Please love each other as
     The Father said to do,
For I cannot count the blessings
     or love He has for you,
So have a Merry Christmas
     and wipe away that tear,
Remember I am spending Christmas
     with Jesus Christ this year.

I received this beautiful poem from Lucas Funeral Home today...I've been in awe at the thought that Jim is in heaven and gets to celebrate Jesus' birthday with Jesus!  It's overwhelming to think about and I can't help but be so happy for him...I do wish he was here, with me, the kids, the family, but goodness--how awesome! I wonder if they sing Happy Birthday to the "birthday boy"....

Life moves forward and the holidays

Life moves forward and the holidays

on Saturday, December 3, 2011 at 8:31pm ·

Ke'anea Point, where we honored Jim.I realized it's been since 10/28 since I've posted a note.  That note, I moved to private--it was all about frustration, and as I read it, I didn't like it...it was all true, but I was obviously angry and bitter about the worldly items I had to deal with.

It's been 14 weeks and 4 days since Jim collapsed and died.  So much has happened!

• I don't "watch the clock" reliving Jim's collapse every Tuesday night anymore.  I am so thankful that time has allowed me to let go of that tragic memory!
• I have seen my daughter at a minimum every two to two and a half weeks since Jim died.
• I'm back to work, feeling a bit lost, things change so fast in the wireless world! I have a very patient boss and an incredible team leading the way for me.
• I've had to buy a new winter wardrobe -- my clothes are way too big..that's a good thing, really, just not how I go about it...I'm exercising more, but I tend to forget to eat 1 or 2 meals a day... (4 dress sizes in about 21 months)
• The medical expenses and funeral expenses have been paid in full.
• The life insurance policies are settled, still waiting for one to be complete, but its in process and there have not been any issues.
• The kids and I fulfilled Jim's last wish: it was a week of fun, laughter, remembrance, sadness and JOY

November brought many different "firsts":

• Jim's 47th birthday.  The kids and I spent that day at Putt Putt.  We played miniature golf, rode go carts, had batting practice, played video games and air hockey.  It was a day of family fun and we've all decided that will the best way to celebrate Jim's birthday every year!

• Our 28th wedding anniversary -- George & Diane Highsmith came and spent the day with me, as did Austin.  It was a very difficult day, made easier by their presence.  Lots of remembering, laughter and tears.  It just seemed weird.  I think I will go away for a few days around our anniversary.  Jim and I always celebrated with just the two of us, either together all day or going away for a weekend retreat. I'm going to try that next year.

• Austin's 20th birthday--Jim had preordered Austin's birthday gift back in July (the newest Call of Duty) and had actually made me buy a birthday card he thought was perfect back in July too. Thank you, Lord for that gift!

• Thanksgiving.  The Gulley's favorite!  We totally twisted it up by heading to Maui to fulfill Jim's last wish.  It was a GREAT vacation!  We had fun, we remembered our family trip in 2005, did some of the same things.  Did new things like a helicopter tour (Jim would NEVER!).  There was sadness as we honored Jim, but also jubilation! Weird, right? God made that time last week perfect for us, thank You!  Both kids want to move to Maui and live there now.

Now it's December.  I toyed with a tree, no tree, decorate the mantel, don't, the wreath on the door or not? What is going to be less upsetting?  I discovered that nothing is "less" upsetting...any decision is wrapped in grief right now, and the tears can come at the darnedest time, triggered by memories or something silly or even while brushing your teeth....

• I did put the wreath up and lighted garland around the front door.
• I did put up a tree (not the huge, normal one). I found a 4' lighted tree and put it on a table, in the office and picked just a few special ornaments to put on it.
• I DID put our stockings up on the mantel, but I used different garland, and I positioned the stockings in an entirely different manner.  Jim, as head of the household was always first, then me, then the kids in birth order, then the dog's.  Jim's stocking is in the center of the mantel, w/a picture of him from last Christmas on the stocking holder.  I like to think that our stockings surrounding his stocking represents how this family now surrounds his memory with our love, and how we always, always will surround his memory with our love!
• My sister, Kim gave me a fabulous idea for Christmas, but I can't tell, as I need to talk w/the kids first, but I think it will be a great, new Christmas tradition.
• Elizabeth's 25th birthday is the 6th.  Austin and I drive down to Waco tomorrow to celebrate.  I bought her a beautiful plumeria pendant while we were in Maui for her birthday.  I always was "in charge" of her birthday gifts, Jim always left that to me to arrange.  I've got a bit of a surprise for her..it's silly, but she'll like it! And she thinks the pendant is also for Christmas, but I've got something else up my sleeve....
• Christmas, Jesus' birthday!  I'm taking this holiday a day at a time, not stressing.  My shopping is done! Things are wrapped, I'm waiting for a few items to be shipped.  It's sad, bittersweet  but at the same time, I'm "awe-struck" that Jim is actually celebrating with the BIRTHDAY BOY...Jesus!
• Austin will be rocking it out at FUMC on Christmas Day!  My mom (and hopefully Pops) will be here with us.  Elizabeth, too, but I imagine since she was off Thanksgiving she will have to work, but I'll pray for that!
• We will celebrate w/the Gulley's on the 26th in Belton.

I find my solace and my strength in my Faith, my Family and my Friends!  It seems that the right words, the right bible verse, that hug, that card or that phone call happens at the most perfect time!  We are promised eternity in heaven with all the saints that go before us and with our Lord and Savior.  While we remain on this earth, it is my hope, my prayer for everyone to live each day with no regrets!  Merry Christmas!

Frustrated & Lonely

Frustrated & Lonely

(warning--this blog is a rant, I was rather angry)

on Friday, October 28, 2011 at 10:49am

Frustrated:  the dictionary defines this word as "feeling or expressing distress & annoyance, especially because of an inability to charge or achieve something."

• The credit union where Jim has banked since he was 9, and I've been on the account for 29 years is a source of frustration.  This CU is in Belton/Killeen, so when I was down at mom's 3 weeks ago, I stopped by to see what I needed to do since Jim died.  I was told HIS assets would be frozen, they needed a death certificate.  Hmmmm, my name is on the account, there are NO survivor benefits, the $$$ is actually mine! It should not be this difficult!  **FYI: the Social Security office was so, so easy!**
• One of the life insurance companies received the death certificate, 6 days later I get a letter informing me the certificate was 'pending' they needed a completed one....if the processor had LOOKED at the ADDENDUM to the certificate, towards the bottom 1/2 of the document, they would have seen it.  I called: "oops, sorry, we will process this, but it will be tomorrow, our systems are down."  I realize this is "just a job" for these people, but for the survivors--it's an emotional, distressing time and these tasks, when there are road bumps--make it worse...
• The short term disability I am trying to get---probably won't happen, since I'm not 'so severely disabled' I can't function....I suppose if I said I was a danger to myself or others, I'd get it...I have an amazing boss and I'm certain she will work with me.  I truly just need this time to focus on grieving and reinventing myself--as one person, instead of the two I've always been.

WHERE is the practical "how to" or "what to expect" book for widows/widowers that guides a person through the practical aspects of the death of a husband/wife? I can only imagine what doing taxes and things like that are going to be like... Where's the compassion?  The sensitivity that people need to have when they are dealing with customers that have experienced a severe loss?

Lonely: the dictionary defines this word as "being without company, sad from being alone, producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation."

• This is the emotion/feeling I'm having the strongest right now.  I noticed it  week ago, and actually talked it through w/my therapist this week. And it's something I have to make room for in my body and experience, (I tend to hold my breath to keep the grief inside--lessen the tears) it's all part of that walk through the valley of grief---the goal is to get to the other side, for me it is the struggle of not having a set timeline--I do not know how long the emotions will be so strong, nor do I know when the emotion is going to double me over with grief, I am unable to control it at this point.
•  I can be in a crowd, with family or friends and I feel so overwhelmingly lonely.  We went to the Alliance Air Show on Saturday-- Austin, Christi and I and as we walked around and sat and watched the airshow I realized I don't have that "someone" anymore who gets my jokes, I can share my thoughts with, discuss what's happening, laugh with, hold hands, share private jokes, melt into...
• Watching the Ranger games--I have this warped sense of humor about some of the baseball players names (Pujols is my current favorite...)--I'll pronounce them wrong on purpose, or sing a little ditty. Jim always commented that it was 'so different' watching sports w/me, I always kept it interesting.  I miss that...
• I had a friend tell me how blessed I am that I have my kids, my family, my friends, my church(s).  I tried to tell him, yes, I'm blessed by those that love me but it's just not the same! And to be FRANK (Kim/Susan), I'd rather have my husband back!
• Jim's physical presence is what I miss most...his touch, his arms, his hugs, the kisses, his warmth, the way he had of just sharing a look..sometimes that just said so much. No one, no one knew me like he did--and I doubt anyone will ever again.

I have a note I've carried in my wallet for many years, I think he dropped it off while riding his bike when we lived in Alaska, while I was at work:  "I just wanted to leave you a note to say that I love you & be careful driving home, I'm thinking about you! I love you so much. Be careful Honey, see you when you get home.  Love you, Jim".
I was going through his wallet, shredding credit cards that no longer will be used.  I found a note I had written him and left in the car for him to see, I don't remember when I wrote it, but it was fairly recent: "When I see you, my heart jumps & I'm so full of love for you!  You are my Joy! Be Careful! Love you! Edie :)"  He carried that in his wallet along w/a Happy Valentine's day heart sticker...that note is now in my wallet.

The bible, when I searched for lonely brought up this verse: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5 (this was one of Elizabeth's verses when she was a toddler, so cute!)
I will trust in Him, and I am leaning on Him, but all of this hurts, and I don't like it, I don't like it at all--too bad a temper tantrum will not change anything because I believe I could conjure up a really good one right now!

Giving Thanks, Again...

Giving Thanks, Again...

on Wednesday, October 12, 2011 at 11:29pm ·

I threw myself at God's mercy on Monday. Thank you most Gracious God for answering my prayer! God is Good!

I had been told by the medical examiner's (ME) office immediately after Jim's death that it would be 4 to 6 weeks for the toxicology and histology to come back for a cause of death. The autopsy was inconclusive.

On Monday I called the ME office and let them know it had been almost 7 weeks, what is the hold-up? I spoke to a very empathic secretary who explained they actually had 90 days...I was given wrong information.

I put into practice my homework, to focus on what I DO know and the present.  Trying to push away the need to know, the concern over finances that all hinge on that death certificate.  I went down on my knees and fervently prayed that it would not be 90 days...I asked for God to intercede and bring closure to what happened inside of Jim's body that he had to die, it's been difficult...all this waiting.

Tonight, while texting w/my Aunt Edda, she shared some news that was incredible: my 90 year old Uncle was getting married!!!  My immediate thought was, oh, wait until I tell Jim!  Then I remembered, I can no longer do that.

It's become my habit to check the ME's public access website a few times each day, to see if the cause of death gets updated from pending.  So, after my memory lapse, and while Jim was so fresh on my mind, I checked one more time.  Keep in mind, this was during the Ranger Game, tied, top of the 10th inning. I never have looked at that site after 5pm...

Prayers answered--cause of death was no longer PENDING! I was stunned, I was not expecting to see an update!  Jim's cause of death: "small vessel cardiac disease"  I  phoned a friend, and asked what that was, it's so nice to know a Doctor!  He explained it's the tiny arteries around the heart, there was a blockage or lesion--and it caused a massive heart attack.  I took it one step further, googled, and discovered that this is a problem that cannot be found during a routine catheter lab visit, it's overall very difficult to diagnose---the cath lab looks at the heart and the large arteries, and only if symptoms persist, a Doctor "may" think to check the small vessels.  This disease is mainly found in women, and women w/diabetes.  There is no procedure that can fix it, it's all about not smoking, diet, exercise.  The symptoms are angina, tired, mentally tired.  Jim was very tired that night--it was the first day of school, 12 hour day....the tired he felt seemed like "normal" tired.

So, now we know and I feel relief.  Jim's  body did indeed break, and it broke in a way that there was no choice.  God was there and escorted Jim to heaven (He didn't "take him"), and I know God's heart was heavy for the pain He knew Jim's family would have to work through.

In everything give thanks...

In everything give thanks...

on Tuesday, October 11, 2011 at 9:08pm ·

In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  --1 Thessalonians 5:18
These are words I received today as part of a devotion a friend sent me.  The devotion goes on and points out that that the passage says, "IN everything" not "FOR everything" be thankful.The art of successful living is to seek out thankfulness in all of life's events--to see meaning in every challenge and trust that God will work every adversity to our ultimate good.
This friend also sent me a devotion w/the wise words: But I trust in You, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in Your hands. --Psalm 31:14-15  This devotion speaks to why some people are healed, some are not, how His time is beyond our understanding.
Another verse that is helpful: Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you -- 1 Peter 5:7
These have been eye opening verses for me over the past 7 weeks. (I'm still counting....)
I'm  seeing a therapist in addition to my Stephen Minister.  She has given me homework, as I stand on the edge of the unknown:

• Predict less (which is code for stop anticipating what will be and how I will feel in the future)
• Be curious and wonder
• Focus more on the present and what I do know

Interesting exercise -- as I'm a planner, I research, think it through, develop a plan then work the plan, and it usually includes anticipation of the future.  I've discovered words like can't, won't, I'm stuck, cause me to feel anxious.  I am learning to pay attention to my body's response to my words.   When I use words like I need or I want or I feel--the anxiety goes away.
I put "predict less" to the test this weekend.  I needed my Momma, I needed to be spoiled and cared for as only a mom can do.  So I went home this past weekend.  Started wondering about going to church on Sunday, and it's not just any church, it's the HOME church.  Where Jim grew up, I was confirmed, we were married there, our kids baptized there, Elizabeth confirmed there and we were, for many years, extremely active w/the youth group.  I began to predict how hard it would be....I decided to STOP that, and if I felt like going on Sunday, I would--anxiety averted!
I went, and while there were a few moments of sadness and a few tears, it was good!  So good!  I got hugs and words of encouragement and comfort from a "family" that's known me for most my life!
I also received a book: "Getting to the Other Side of Grief" from my Stephen Minister.  She didn't expect me to read it right away--but I'm an avid reader--had to get it started. Here's a few things that were a-ha moments for me:

• Grieving is a journey through a frightening land in order for you to discover a new life with some exciting possibilities on the other side of grief.  Hang on to that thought!
• Don't avoid the pain -- attack it.  Don't endure the grief--manage it. (I like that one!)
• Allow for the possibility that you will be happy again.  God is gracious.
• Does faith help in the grieving process?  Yes and No. Faith will not insulate you from the pain of grief.  It will not prevent the feelings of anger, regret or loneliness.  Faith in Christ, however, will give you two essential things: strength to endure and hope.

Such great words from my friend, my therapist, the book from my Stephen Minister.  This is a journey, it is a process, and the time frame is unknown to me.
What I do know:

• I have the most amazing family & friends, providing me w/support, encouragement, laughter, love and their time.
• I need to take the time to focus on this journey,on myself, so I can continue to support my kids as they grieve, and move through this valley grief--no one is ever mean't to stay in the valley--we are to walk through it.
• I need to be the care receiver---that's always been uncomfortable to me.  I'd rather take care of everyone else.
• It's OK to say what I need, and for that need to be mine and mine alone.
• The logistics of what's happened, the "stuff" I'm having to deal with (the house, finances, insurance, etc) can be somewhat overwhelming--I find that I have to constantly remind  myself to focus on the now, and what I can control (which isn't much), the rest just doesn't matter and should not matter until it has to be dealt with -- no projecting!

I had a friend ask me, "So, Edie, what's it really like?"  Thank you, for asking!  I wasn't certain if he wanted an honest answer, but you can ask my kids --- they ask me anything, and I'm going to tell them the truth, and the truth is sometimes too much information...
My answer:  it's sad, it's lonely, especially at night.  I no longer have the one person who knew me like no one else did, could anticipate my needs, my mood, the one I told everything to.  I miss the physical presence -- the hugs, the physical contact that was ours. I have to say goodbye to what I thought my future would be, the dreams "we" had, and move forward w/a new future, and "my" dreams...all part of this journey.
I am confident I can do this, as you all know by now, it's FAITH, FAMILY, FRIENDS that will guide me and help me on this journey.  I am so thankful for each of you! Keep the prayers coming!!!

I seem to like to c-o-u-n-t...

I seem to like to c-o-u-n-t...

on Tuesday, September 27, 2011 at 3:19pm ·

I try to not count, but I can't help it.  I think that we all organize things by days, amounts, basically numbers so counting is normal (I'm hoping it's normal).
10, 000:  On March 30 of this year, Jim and I celebrated our 10,000th day of marriage...weird, I know, but I was playing w/an iPhone app called "days old".  So I marked it on the calendar and we had a tiny celebration.
5:  Today, it's been 5 weeks since Jim died.  The darkest day in my life.
1:  There was always 1 chair to the left of me at Fellowship and 1 chair to the right of me at St. Peter--saved for when Jim came to sit with me during the sermon. I "mixed it up" this past Sunday and actually sat in the seat I normally saved for Jim...I didn't think it was a big deal, but Austin noticed and said something.
16:  A quilt,stadium size, has 16 blocks, 15x15 each.  On this past Sunday, the kids picked out hawaiian shirts/t-shirts that were Jim's so I could have a quilt made for each of them.  So when they are missing their Daddy/Father (Elizabeth called Jim, Daddy. Austin called Jim, Father) they can wrap the quilt around them and have a little bit of him to hold on to.
232: Friends on Facebook, my friends have doubled over the past few weeks.  WOW! I've re-connected with old friends, friends of Jim's -- who were on his FB but not mine. The words of comfort, the outpouring of prayers & thoughts via FB is truly amazing.
52:  Thank you cards I have written and mailed.  In response to food, flowers, gifts donated in Jim's name, gifts to me.
14: Plants that I have repotted (gifts) and working hard to keep alive--they are so beautiful!
78: Cards I've received expressing sorrow, offering up prayers for myself, the kids and Jim's family
3: Surprises at my front door at random times: the doorbell rings, I open the door, and there's balloons for my birthday, Ding Dongs, then almonds (since I can't eat Ding Dongs).
4: Fence pickets I bought yesterday, as there were a few pickets on our fence in the backyard that must be replaced...I thought I would figure out how to do it "later".  My Daughter, phoned a friend, and while we were out yesterday afternoon, all four pickets were magically part of my fence...
A Bi-zillion:  tears that have been cried, by me...
TO INFINITY & BEYOND: (I know, not a really number, but trust me, it's too high a number for even my OCD brain to count)  The number of prayers and thoughts that have been said constantly, without ceasing from the moment Jim collapsed and they continue today.  Those prayers lift me up, sustain me, keep them coming!  And the HUGS, I've gotten too many to count, and hugs are so wonderful!
I remain humbled by the outpouring of Love and care for myself, my kids and Jim's family.  He was so amazing!   I truly thought I was probably the only one that knew that.  I've realized over the last 5 weeks, everyone that knew Jim, whether for years, or just an interaction or two, thought he was amazing too!
I went back to work today -- I've been working from home over the past few weeks, but I made the commute to my office this morning.  There were some cards waiting for me...again, such thoughtful people in my life.  And one of the cards  said, "Some days...it's tougher to hang in there than others."  The personal note said that we were in their prayers and that my strength is amazing & my positive outlook is something this person admires.
Here's what allows me to focus on the positive:  Philippians 4:13 "I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need."
Faith, Family, Friends!  Faith, Family, Friends!  Faith, Family, Friends!  Faith, Family, Friends!  Faith, Family, Friends!

Another Gift...

Another gift...

on Friday, September 16, 2011 at 5:43pm ·

Austin was given a letter, from the principal at Chisholm Trail Middle School today here's what it says:
Dear Austin and the entire Gulley Family,
While many of us at Chisholm Trail Middle School did not know your father personally, we knew what a great man he was and how instrumental he was in the student technology department of Northwest ISD.  We were deeply saddened to learn of your family's loss.  He was know for his kindness and support of others.

I wanted to let you know that the staff of Chisholm Trail has collected and contributed funds in his honor that will be used to provide scholarships for students needing assistance with technology support. Specifically, the funds will allow students to be part of the NISD "netbook" program and provide for students that would not otherwise be able to participate.

We hope that you and your family understand that we recognize what a valuable member your father was to the NISD team and that even now, his influence and passion for helping students with technology will continue.

On behalf of the staff at CTMS, our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Robert Thornell

***Jim's heart broke when he saw kids that couldn't afford to participate, or kids whose parents couldn't afford repairs, this is truly a great gift, he would be pleased....in that quiet way he had, of course. ***

Things I realized today, or "help" along the way

Things I realized today, or "help" along the way

on Tuesday, September 13, 2011 at 8:50pm ·

I had the opportunity to help someone today, who is a recent widow (she's got a few month's on me...).  I don't think I'm prepared to help--this journey is so new to me, so raw, but as I offered her words of encouragement over the phone, and followed up w/an email, I kind of realized how God is currently working in my life.  I seem to have this need to journal, and to share.  So here's what I realized:
I asked if she was seeing someone, professional, to help her through this journey of grief.  She is not, I implored her to do this and will check in a few days to see if she's started this.  Even gave her the phone number to call.  I believe that there is no shame in asking for help, and getting professional counseling of some sort--it can give you perspective--it's a person you can talk to that has no emotional connection to you or your family.  They will listen, ask questions and guide you as you basically talk outloud to yourself and give you a better understanding of the grief process... I received a call from the Stephen Minister that has been assigned to ME tonight.  Our first meeting is Thursday.  I need to talk to someone that is "outside" my incredible circle of family, friends, and this type of Ministry ensures everything is Christ centered. (See--taking my own advice, and listening to one of my great, awesome friends...)
Faith, Family, Friends! Faith, Family, Friends! Faith, Family, Friends!  I got this piece of advice from a complete stranger, whose teenage daughter came home from school w/the news of Jim's death, she was compelled (it was a God thing) to share with me a package of poems that helped her & her book, Widowed And Young, that she wrote in 2003 about the death of her husband 16 yrs ago when she was 28, with a toddler and another on the way.  She's since shared w/me websites, blogs & such great words of comfort, compassion, faith & pieces of her own journey of grief that I find helpful. We email every few days, and again, another gift from God, this connection w/a stranger to help me on this journey.
Everyone's journey in, thru and out of grief is unique, while there are some simaliarities, the journey is really as unique to each person as fingerprints!  I've learned that there are many, many people praying for me and my family and Jim's family.  I am sustained by these prayers, by the thoughts, by the quick text messages, the phone calls or the FB posts.
I journal every night.  I began on my birthday, 8/31 and went back and wrote for everyday beginning w/my darkest day, 8/23 -- the day Jim died.  I don't ever journal, I don't write things down like that, but I had this overwhelming need.  I got the perfect gift from a friend last year for my birthday (I never touched it until now), it's a beautiful journal: Words with God, I need to talk to you!  Each page is a day, w/the date and either a scripture or a quote--and each quote/scripture is so perfect for me, for that day!  I do this before I turn out the light at night.  I write words of encouragement I've received from friends/family, I write my feelings, the "normal" things that happened in the day.  I find myself writing to God and even writing to Jim. Pouring out the emotion, pain and hurt.  I write about the gifts, the gifts I am receiving from God and as a result of Jim's death...can you believe it, there are GIFTS!!!  I want to write those gifts down and not forget the good that comes out of tragedy.  It will be interesting to complete this 1 year journal, then go back and read where I am now, vs. in a year.
Music....oh, music has always been a part of our lives and contemporary, Christian music is a big part of my life. The words of some songs, that I always sang along to mean more, the words are profound.  Jim's celebration was a reflection of not only the music he loved and played to worship our God, but also it reflected the strong message that you must live for today!  No regrets!  Show your love, say it, live it...because this life on earth is short!
My "anthem" has become a song by Matthew West: "Strong Enough" -- it's based on his favorite bible verse: Philippans 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."  It's about surrendering to God and letting Him be strong enough because I just can't be right now. God delivered that message to me a week ago, in such a profound way, I had no choice but to surrender.  *And we all know, that Edie can do anything better, easier and with better results....myself....(not this time!) God knew I hadn't given it all to Him...he pretty much whopped me upside the head...another gift!
Yes it's hard.  I didn't realize how much of each of my days were spent w/Jim!  What a blessing it was!  I struggle through worship on Sunday's--we did that together, and when he was playing, he was worshipping and it was amazing to see, then sitting close, close close during the sermon, commenting to each other, flirting (yes during church...)! Blessing the food before a meal, we always did that and had "mini-arguments" about whose turn it was, and silly bets on whether Austin would pull out his "standard" prayer or not.  Blessing the food brings me to tears!!!
So, it's OK to have a bad day, it's OK to have a good day and it's OK to be honest when someone asks me how I'm doing.  It's OK to say, "I don't know what to say..." (I don't know what to say either about all this)  It's OK to cry "outloud" -- in public places, emotions hit at the oddest times, triggered by some of the oddest things...
I also shared w/this other person, grieving over the loss of her husband -- that we both KNOW where our husbands are...they are in heaven, worshiping, in person, w/our God!  They are whole, perfect, happy, reunited w/the ones that have gone before.  They are reaping the reward of heaven, that is promised to us while we are on this earth! My husband was a godly man on this earth, and he's now in the presence of God!  And while I would have chosen to still have him here w/me (I'm human after all)...I can't help but smile, a sad smile, but a smile just the same for this promise, for His promise being fulfilled for Jim.
Whew! I feel better, and if I've helped one person feel better, or understand what a person goes through---then I guess that would be "another gift, from God to me, to YOU!"
Blessings to you!  My love to you--as I've chosen to be friends w/each of you, and you each mean something special to me!!

 
He is the resurrection and the life!

One Month to Live...

One Month to Live....

on Sunday, September 4, 2011 at 12:49pm

Fellowship Methodist Church, Trophy Club is the church where Austin plays drums and Jim joined him to play bass.  The praise team, Zamar, is amazing, talented and such a blessing!  Adam Bennett, the lead, male vocal,  works for Northwest ISD, and he and Jim (Austin, too) worked together.
A few weeks ago, Daniel, the Pastor, began a sermon series: "One Month to Live"  it's a book, a bible study and the music during the contemporary worship is all about the themes of the series.  On Sunday, August 28, the message was "LIVING PASSIONATELY".
The Friday before, Daniel called me and asked if he could use Jim's life as an example of how a person can live with passion.  I never even considered saying no, even though, once again, Jim would have been so uncomfortable with all the attention.
I sat in church, with my children, Austin, Elizabeth and Dwayne, surrounded by people that were mourning the loss of Jim right along w/my family and I.  My tears flowing and I heard the most amazing sermon and service.
One of the songs Zamar sang was "I Hope You Dance".  That's the very song Jim was transposing from 6 pages to 1 when he collapased on August 23rd.  (He never liked flipping multiple pages when he played, so he would condense the guitar chords as much as possible)
It was joyful, mournful, comforting and peaceful all at once.  If you are so inclined, take some time and listen --- it is so important that everyone live like you're dying and with no regrets.  I HOPE YOU DANCE! 

Link to the sermon: http://www.fumctc.com/media_player.asp?messageID=101398
Link to the Church's website:  http://www.fumctc.com/

Today's my birthday...

on Wednesday, August 31, 2011 at 7:41pm

I'm learning something new each and every day!
I'm learning to pace myself, can't do all and be all in the same day (the over achiever in me thinks that I should have all my thank you notes DONE)...
Sleeping pills aren't necessarily a bad thing--I finally asked for help sleeping last night, and my mind and body thank me.  I was beginning to ache and I was all foggy--not a good combo.
I have so many friends and family and strangers (lots of prayer chains!) that are praying without ceasing for me--and I can actually FEEL it, and it sustains me!
It's OK to say I'm not doing good, it's ok to say, "I don't know what to say." You telling me that, means you care, because frankly, I don't know what to say either....
Crying--that's ok too, just don't freak out if it happens at a time you think is odd--something has triggered some sadness and it can be as ridiculous as taking a shower, pulling money out of my wallet.
My husband bought my bday gift (a Nook color) weeks ago...using his savings for lasik surgery money.  He hid it, I found it exactly a week ago..he never ever bought nor planned gifts in advance, just wasn't his style.  God placed it on his heart to plan in advance this time and I'm thankful.
My kids, O, my kids are my angels! They care so much for me!  I got all sorts of Nook accessories from Austin, Elizabeth and Dwayne.  Austin even took me out for lunch/supper and PAID!  They made this day so very special for me despite our sadness. Their concern for me equals my own concern for them, funny how that works. Jim and I, we raised them "good"!
Hindsight is 20/20, I know that.  And as each day passes, I get a thought or a memory that clearly allows me to see that God had been planning to call Jim home for quite awhile and he allowed Jim, the kids and I to make some incredibly special memories over the last 8 months or so.  God has placed people in our lives to help ME, to help my kids because he knew the hurt and loss we would experience so He was "lining things up" so to speak.  I'm thankful, grateful and a bit amazed. I also have a very wise sister that pointed that out to me last week ans as I think that through, it all makes sense.  Thanks, Kim!
We were allowed truly celebrate not only our Lord and Savior, but the man that was Jim on Saturday---it was sad, but it was so much more joyous! The celebration was total selfishness--it was for me and my kids, and we invited many special family, friends, coworkers to participate/attend.  That celebration was EXACTLY what we needed to say see ya later, and begin the process of moving on to life without Jim.
The sadness is now washing over me...I've been told by another wise friend to allow this to wash over me, accept it, swim in it then get up and do it again.  It is very much like waves coming in--it is futile not to mention exhausting to fight against it.  That's when I must lean on Him and my family/friends.
Yesterday was a very bad day---went to sleep crying on Monday night, woke up crying then continued on and off the entire day.  Today, it's been better, a very tiny good day today.
My momma called me early early to be the first to wish me happy birthday (tradition, and woes to her should she forget).  I've gotten wishes via text, telephone & Facebook (I love the connection I can have with so many via Facebook!
I have a friend that gave me a journal, for my birthday last year....I don't journal, so that beautiful book with wise words on each page, sat by my bed, unused.  I've felt a pull I've never felt before to put down my thoughts since Jim's death.  (Another gift...) So today, I found a cool pen, to use only for this journal and began to write.  I started with Tuesday, August 23.  The day of my darkest hour.  It's only one page per day, so as I wrote for the 23rd through the 31st, I had to really focus on what to record--I can talk forever, you know.  (Cathy--I did capture our shopping adventure...I'd apologize but Momma always if you don't mean it, don't say it, I wouldn't mean it...it was TOO FUNNY!)
The journal is beautiful!  It's titled Dear God, I need to talk to you.  Each day has a quote or scripture.  The quote for the 23rd: Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.  --Oswald Chambers   (kind of made me go: huh, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!)
Today's is an Irish blessing: May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.  And I have been cheered today, by all the bday wishes, the prayers and my precious children.  Plus some crazy friends who made me laugh w/glee tonight!  I'll post the pic and their names later!
I just wanted to share my feelings, some of the things I'm going through, read it if you like and if you don't that's ok too.  I'm finding sharing my thoughts (ok, some of them) is healing, so I'm indulging myself.
Have I said thank you, I'm so blessed we're friends and family!
Edie

To Remember Me: Jim's gift of LIFE after his death...

on Sunday, August 28, 2011 at 12:26pm

The kids and I made a decision after Jim had died to allow his tissues to be harvested and donated.  Jim's body has the ability to help up to 75 individuals!  I received a packet in the mail yesterday, the day we Celebrated our God and my Jim from the Community Tissue Services of Fort Worth.  Inside was this poem, by Robert N. Test:
The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and dying.  At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped.  When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine.  And don't call this my deathbed.  Let it be called the Bed of Life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives.
  GIVE my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eyes of a woman.
  GIVE my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing by endless days of pain.
  GIVE my blood to the teen-ager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he may live to see his grandchildren play.
  GIVE my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week.
  TAKE my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.
  EXPLORE every corner of my brain.  Take my cells if necessary, and let them grow so that, someday a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her window.
  BURN what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow.
  IF you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses and all prejudice against my fellow man.
  GIVE my sins to the devil.
  GIVE my soul to God.
  IF, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you.
  IF you do all I have asked, I will live forever.

 
That's me again, w/that guy I love..