on Wednesday, August 31, 2011 at 7:41pm
I'm learning to pace myself, can't do all and be all in the same day (the over achiever in me thinks that I should have all my thank you notes DONE)...
Sleeping pills aren't necessarily a bad thing--I finally asked for help sleeping last night, and my mind and body thank me. I was beginning to ache and I was all foggy--not a good combo.
I have so many friends and family and strangers (lots of prayer chains!) that are praying without ceasing for me--and I can actually FEEL it, and it sustains me!
It's OK to say I'm not doing good, it's ok to say, "I don't know what to say." You telling me that, means you care, because frankly, I don't know what to say either....
Crying--that's ok too, just don't freak out if it happens at a time you think is odd--something has triggered some sadness and it can be as ridiculous as taking a shower, pulling money out of my wallet.
My husband bought my bday gift (a Nook color) weeks ago...using his savings for lasik surgery money. He hid it, I found it exactly a week ago..he never ever bought nor planned gifts in advance, just wasn't his style. God placed it on his heart to plan in advance this time and I'm thankful.
My kids, O, my kids are my angels! They care so much for me! I got all sorts of Nook accessories from Austin, Elizabeth and Dwayne. Austin even took me out for lunch/supper and PAID! They made this day so very special for me despite our sadness. Their concern for me equals my own concern for them, funny how that works. Jim and I, we raised them "good"!
Hindsight is 20/20, I know that. And as each day passes, I get a thought or a memory that clearly allows me to see that God had been planning to call Jim home for quite awhile and he allowed Jim, the kids and I to make some incredibly special memories over the last 8 months or so. God has placed people in our lives to help ME, to help my kids because he knew the hurt and loss we would experience so He was "lining things up" so to speak. I'm thankful, grateful and a bit amazed. I also have a very wise sister that pointed that out to me last week ans as I think that through, it all makes sense. Thanks, Kim!
We were allowed truly celebrate not only our Lord and Savior, but the man that was Jim on Saturday---it was sad, but it was so much more joyous! The celebration was total selfishness--it was for me and my kids, and we invited many special family, friends, coworkers to participate/attend. That celebration was EXACTLY what we needed to say see ya later, and begin the process of moving on to life without Jim.
The sadness is now washing over me...I've been told by another wise friend to allow this to wash over me, accept it, swim in it then get up and do it again. It is very much like waves coming in--it is futile not to mention exhausting to fight against it. That's when I must lean on Him and my family/friends.
Yesterday was a very bad day---went to sleep crying on Monday night, woke up crying then continued on and off the entire day. Today, it's been better, a very tiny good day today.
My momma called me early early to be the first to wish me happy birthday (tradition, and woes to her should she forget). I've gotten wishes via text, telephone & Facebook (I love the connection I can have with so many via Facebook!
I have a friend that gave me a journal, for my birthday last year....I don't journal, so that beautiful book with wise words on each page, sat by my bed, unused. I've felt a pull I've never felt before to put down my thoughts since Jim's death. (Another gift...) So today, I found a cool pen, to use only for this journal and began to write. I started with Tuesday, August 23. The day of my darkest hour. It's only one page per day, so as I wrote for the 23rd through the 31st, I had to really focus on what to record--I can talk forever, you know. (Cathy--I did capture our shopping adventure...I'd apologize but Momma always if you don't mean it, don't say it, I wouldn't mean it...it was TOO FUNNY!)
The journal is beautiful! It's titled Dear God, I need to talk to you. Each day has a quote or scripture. The quote for the 23rd: Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time. --Oswald Chambers (kind of made me go: huh, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!)
Today's is an Irish blessing: May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you. And I have been cheered today, by all the bday wishes, the prayers and my precious children. Plus some crazy friends who made me laugh w/glee tonight! I'll post the pic and their names later!
I just wanted to share my feelings, some of the things I'm going through, read it if you like and if you don't that's ok too. I'm finding sharing my thoughts (ok, some of them) is healing, so I'm indulging myself.
Have I said thank you, I'm so blessed we're friends and family!
Edie
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